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*sigh* (poss trigger)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, May 19, 2007.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    My heads so screwed :sad: so many doubts :sad: so much paranoia. Think i got shit worked out then it just gets all messed up again. It's doing my head in :mad: Finally i think i've worked it out then .... BANG .... its all there again :mad:

    Argh, why the hell can't me head shut up for 5 fucking minutes!! Last 2 nights i been having some crazy dreams, some i wake up panicking and not knowing what to do :cry:

    Got a lecture while out at lunch today :sad: fuck sake. YES!! i know i need to get a job. But you think if they wanted me to get a job that badly they've actually try HELP??! not sit there and have a fucking go. How the hell am i meant to concentrate on getting a job when everyday i'm cutting myself every day, wanting to pop pills, some days even popping pills for the sake of it and wanting to go up the the train station and throw myself under a train. How the hell am i meant to think about the future, when the WHOLE of my life i've felt like i've had no fucking future. The other day i just felt like screaming at my mum that i've been cutting and then show her my arms. I was seriously considering tell her, fuck know why because its not me

    I can't take this no more. I can't talk to anyone. Theres one person in my family that i CAN tell stuff, i want to so badly, want to tell her that i am very suicidal and have been since i started with the pill popping last year. I scare myself at times. Everyday hoping to get hit by a car when walking a cross the road. Thinking about all the innocent kids that die. People that don't deserve to die. People that don't want to die. Why them and not me?? Little kids murdered for no fucking reason, their whole lives a head of them. Why the FUCK can't i take their place?!?! give them a fucking chance!!!

    Grrrrrrrr!!! my heads so fucked :mad:

  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    vikki darling,
    im sorry you are feeling so bad. i think i know what the paranoia is about, and if im right im so so sorry. you dont deserve any of this. you deserve happyness, love, hugs, all the BEST things this world has to offer. and you'll get them eventually if i have anything to do with it. and you DO have someone to talk to. you can talk to me. ANYTIME, and about ANYTHING. i love you and ill do anything to help you through this :hug:
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    fucking hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck YOU!!!! Fuck this shit. Fuck this life. Fuck all the fucking CRAP!!

    looool knew what i fucking wanted. Knew how i felt. Fucking KNEW. Means fuck all don't it? mans jack SHIT!!

    I'm done. I'm so fucking DONE!!

    Don't want me to die eh? Well tuff fucking luck. Im sick of this. Sick of this bloody crap. Should of done this a fucking long time ago.

    looooool all sorted. All fucking done. All planned. loool hell here i come!
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    aimed at me?
    no, i dont want u dead, and if i thought it would have ANY impact i would talk u out of this, but we both know it wont. please let ester tlak u out of this
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    FUCK SAKE. seriously? that bit werent aimed at u so get that straight. if u let me fucking explain to u what the hell was wrong then maybe we'd get some where. i know ur feeling crap hence why i didnt wanna bring that subject up again. Went to PM u in chat but logged out before u got it. Trying to protect you from my crap cos it fucks up ur head even more. But hey what the fuck does that matter. dont meant shit does it.

    I know EXACTLY what i want. I know. Have done for ages. Won't bother explaining it to u eh?

    *shuts up*
  6. lost_soul

    lost_soul Staff Alumni

    :bighug: you need it vikki
    don't really know what to say, except we're here.:bighug:
  7. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: We're here for you Vikki ...

    Keep fighting hun :)
  8. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    I'm sitting here thinking, hoping for something to say that might be of use. Thing is I don't wanna say to you that you got no future, i really hope that you do. Also don't wanna tell you anything along the lines of 'things will get better soon' and all that.

    I'm not sure it would be a good idea to tell your Mum, but I really hope you can speak to this family member, hopefully in confidence. If you need any support on this particular matter PLEASE tell us.

    I understand your last paragraph and yeah it can feel kinda wrong when you're still alive yet feel almost dead inside whereas other people die in the circumstances you mentioned. I think you're a strong person, and that the real you is a real nice, caring person. Would of course be great if you could discover and realise that, but as you know it's not easy. Argh. It's not good to see you in pain like this.

  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I hope you're feeling better now Viks :hug:
  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    yup, im fine. Heads messed up pretty bad but im fine.

    Andy, will get back to you in that PM. Heads pretty messed up and have nothing of interest to say right now :laugh: So will get back to ya when i've kinda calmed down. Thanks for being there :hug:

    :hug:'s to all
  11. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    Okay mate that's fine :)
  12. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Happy you are feeling better vikks :arms:
    Keep fighting hun :hug: