Please note I do not encourage anyone and this is simply MY story NO one elses Well I'm up late again and this weekend has been nothing but a confirmation of the path I've now chosen for myself. I'm so tired and tired all the time, my drive feels sucked right from me, and now the week is about to start. In other words it's time for me to put on my fake, plastic mask and act my way through the motions. Time for me to go to my meetings and my volunteer job and work to make sure no one notices. Because I can't stand it if someone notices and I just can't bear the thought of possibly(however remotely) being robbed of my chance. To anyone who may have paid attention to my other posts I mentioned that I was holding out for the posiibility of one thing. Well that possibility is gone now and honestly I'm actually relieved, truly so. You see about two weeks before xmas I had a date(my first actually, my other 'relationships' just happened) with a truly amazing young woman. Hell she was perfect for me, I even was completely honest about being a recovering drug addict(ha now just a failure at that though), my mental illness, my self-harm issues, and even my daughter(she's adopted and I havent seen her since she was born and never will either). And the amazing thing was she didn't even flinch at any of it! In fact we wound up cuddling after I talked about it and falling asleep together. She even wrote me a letter(Imentioned I still adore letter writing) and said I was an amazing person, that she enjoyed our time together, and the best part was falling asleep together. We stayed in touch briefly through texting and a few phone calls as she was working through the holidays(she has 3 jobs an goes to university). But as usual I was just being a fool, I haven't heard from her in over two weeks, she hasn't returned a text or phone call. And honestly why did I expect that she would honestly be interested(even though she has her own problems)? I mean what sane person would ever ever see themselves with someone like . . .me?! To be honest I wasn't placing that much weight on the possibility. . .but I still held onto that possibility. My current feelings had begun before we had met anyway, she was just a possibility I entertained to hold onto. But that was ridiculous, I see that now I do and I know full well why it was ridiculous. My path is my path and deviating from my path I see now will apparently not be tolerated. It's okay though really it is, I've known what my life entails. . .well all my life I suppose, as long as my memory goes back anyway. It's just. . .that now so close to my trip I just wish I could have one more time, one more night. One more night with someone, in their arms, their embrace, one more night to become 'one' with someone else. But apparently even that isn't in the cards so to speak for me, hell not even a one-night stand is possible. Ha I know that must seem like a funny thing to be thinking of at a time like this. But I've been single since my daughter was born, nearly five years, more then that really and a monk the entire time as well(if you catch my drift). Mainly though I think its just the connection that I crave so much, just the simple comfort of being held by another person. I may not be capable of fully feeling emotions like everyone else(just 'echoes' as I call them) but there is. . .something about being held I find that makes me . . .content(which is as close to 'happy' as I've ever been). I'm just so tired though and none of what I am and what I feel and more importantly what I don't feel will ever ever change. But I'm okay with that now, I really am and I'm. . .at peace and calmer then I've ever been. I do kind of wish though that people would notice that somethings wrong, that I'm not okay, not so they'd stop me. But just because it'd be nice if someone in my life actually gave a damn enough about me to notice that something is. . .up(well down). I mean yes a couple people asked if I was okay after I cancelled my bday party, but no one pushed when I lied and said 'yeah I'm okay'. No one ever pushes, ever, I don't think anyone ever really has ever bothered to push at times like these. Although there never has been a time quite like this before now has there? At least I can't remember a time quite like this before, never so complete, never so absolute, never so sure, never so. . .right. I'm glad I'm not too close with people, I'm glad the people currently in my life haven't known me that long. And thus will not miss me so much nor will they hurt so much once I slip away out the backdoor. Even the person I live with has no clue and he's a trained counselor for crying out loud. Which is kind of funny in a way but then again he's been distracted by his rebound gf. I admittedly still have a ways to go yet, still a lot of work to do, plans to finalize, and places to see. I'm still trying to decide which city I want to be my last, New York, LA, a few others, overseas would be best, I've always wanted to see Europe. There still remain a few poems to write, I really would like to leave a 'masterpiece' behind. Although that seems laughable now that I've actually written it down for me to see. My sponsor knows nor seems to suspect a single thing, although he's been dealing with his own things. I do hope that this doesn't trouble him too terribly much, although he hasn't been my sponsor for long and he's a very pragmatic man. I'm still barely eating although I wish that were different as well, it'd be nice to enjoy food before. . . But I can't eat without wanting to throw up, or gag, it just disgusts me as still does simply watching people eat. Not of course that I see much of people lately, no I meant on tv. But in 7-10 hours(depending when I decided to drag myself out of my room) I'll have to face the outside world again and all that brings. I also have an appointment with my therapist on tuesday which should be interesting to see how much he really cares(in other words if he'll bother pushing, I already know though). I really have done my level best to try, to strive, to push forward and onward.I tried countless meds and combinations of meds, self-medication,self-harm, every healthy alternative, years and years of therapy, set goals, jobs, different types of therapy, spirituality, and everything in between. Especially these past 9 months and I even believed it was all different, that I was becoming different. But that was. . .in error, things like me don't change, only become better fakes. And quite frankly I'm tired of faking, so so very tired or pretending, acting, I've done it all my life. But only a little while longer now, soon no more, I wonder what it'll be like? Oh wait I already know, I've been at that door before, so I know what waits and now I wait for it. But still there's a lot of time between now and then, lots of waiting and work. So I'll spend as much of that time here, with you people, because you understand what my words mean. And because I don't have to lie, to fake, pretend, act, or be anything other then what I am. A failure, a twisted reflection, something not quite real and not quite here and most of all something. . .broken. So please please, don't judge me,don't tell me it'll be okay, don't tell me to just try harder, please just listen, be here, talk to me, give me some kind of. . . connection. It's the one thing I've always wanted, always reached hardest for and. . .the one thing I've never really had. P.S.-To other considering this, really don't, for me this is decision I don't make lightly and one I don't encourage others to make. This is the result really of years(over a decade) of careful 'research' and consideration. Over a decade of trying to go anywhere but here, anywhere. For others I say chances are you do have something to keep going on for and you deserve to keep going on. I would not wish what I feel/don't feel on anyone and my circumstances are my own. Yours are most assuredly different then my own and as a result your paths are different. I have done all I can to help myself and more, spent most of my life fighting for a different outcome. For me however there is nothing that has worked, for others I can almost guarantee that is different. So please do not think I recommend this choice to ANYONE, it is mine and mine alone. Though you may hurt now the chances are extremely extremely high that this will not always be so. So please keep on fighting, keep on trying, and I know you will surely find that life will change. I have admittedly in the last 9 months seen many many very very 'messed' up people get back their lives. And you can too, I just happen to be one of the very very very few things that does not change and does not heal. You however can heal and will, it just takes time, work, and effort.