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Hey everyone, first post here...

Im 16, from Hobart, I've had biopolar since I can remember, My first suicide attempt was when I was 6, I tried jumping off my house onto the cement below, I broke my left leg and my wrist, From about then till 12 I was sevearly depressed, I wouldnt go anywhere, I'd barricaded my doors with matresses and desks and listen to sad music, I'd lay out on my roof during the storms, Half because I love lying in the rain, But also because I figured, get struck by lightning when im wet and it doesnt look like suicide, so my parents wont blame themselves, From then till around now I thought i'd recovered, I was happy, with the occasional lapse, But latly its hit harder than ever before, Im writing this because I've just been in a fight with a best friend of mine, My family and I fight alot, tonight it happened again, and I was talking to him at the time, people call him gay because of the way he dresses, I know he isnt gay, i defend him, but tonight he was just joking around on msn and I took it seriously, I started on him about being gay with another one of his friends, then I got in a fight with him too, I havnt cried for years but tonight I cried, I dont know why.

My parents dont know that I have biopolar, My dads brother has it, hes in an insitution, He sends my dad letters, Which makes him really depressed, So I dont want to tell him in fear of him killing himself or something, Which is why, If I do kill myself, I want it to look like something or someone else killed me, so they dont blame themselves.

In the past I have had big parties at my house where everyone drinks and gets drunk, Im having a smaller one this weekend because some friends of mine are leaving, I told them it was off and suddenly everyone who was invited started msging me and txting me to see if I was ok, And I thought to myself, are these people really my friends? or are they only concerened when the prospect of them drinking at my house dissapears?

Back when I was in primary school I had a girl best friend, We were really close right up until grade 8, It just suddenly ended, She began drinking heavily, It was her vent, her way out, My vent is talking to people on the phone, I have to know that someone else is there and that im not totally alone, people see me as obsessive, She moved to melbourne so we talked on the phone occasionally, she would always tell me how much she missed me and how she wanted to see me, So one day I booked a flight up there for a week, I got a hotel 2 houses down from her, In those 5 days, She couldnt spare 1 hour to talk to me, I flew home without seeing her once, she came down here for a week and said we'd meet up, another week with nothing, This time she came down for a month, and she Promised that I would get atleast 1 day of her time, She spent 3 weeks with 1 girl all the while telling me that she was busy, the one time I saw her was at a party where she was drunk and making one of my friends cheat on his GF with her.

For 3 years I was addicted to World of Warcraft, Not so much the game itself, but the abundance of really nice people who actually wanted to talk to me, rather than what I had to offer them. Im not an academic person, I have 'learning problems' according to my counciler, When I felt really shit, I would binge, My dad thought my grades were because of WoW, My family also saw this as a mood exelerator, And removed it at these moments, which made me skitz out, I snapped my dads $700 mobile, broke the back windows of my house and ran away for large lengths of time.

Once on a school camp I was being bullied endlessly, I tried to talk to the teacher, but she just ignored me, A guy threatened to beat the fuck out of me so when he finally came back I pulled a steak knife on him, So now I get teased about that too, I was fucking serious at the time and now its like just a little joke 'oh what you gonna do, stab me?' fucking oath I just want to break peoples limbs sometimes, make them fucking remember it.

A little while ago I told someone about my World of Wacraft addiction, Then later on I was questioned by a few people, including the girl im keen on, why I was so addicted to Warhammer and that i had to go see 7 different councilers and that they were thinking of taking me out of school for a while about it.

Sometimes im scared of myself, When I think about suicide, I think about all the ways I can scare someone on the way out, Or kill them, I have to admit I've thought like the Columbine shooters at times, Like hanging myself outside the girl im into's house, so when she comes out in the morning she can see what she ignored for 5 years right infront of her, Nothing subliminal, Just what effect shes had.

I know this really doesnt sound sincear, But I assure you it is, I've just calmed down a bit while writing it, The thing that scares me about writing this, is that some ****** at my school will look me up or something, and I will see this entire letter thing posted around my school, or emailed to me or something....

Anyway, Axle, if you read this, I'm sorry I dont think your gay at all and it sucks not being friends with you, I've tried to imagine what this years gonna be like if your against me, And I honestly cant....



Well-Known Member
Welcome to the forum =)
I dont really know what to say.. for starters, apologize to your friend.. See how hes doing..
If you dont think your dad would handle you being bipolar very well, perhaps you could talk to your mum about it? I think that you should talk to your doctor about starting to take medication, i dont know if it helps much but iv heard a coupld of people saying it has, its worth a try.

Why did you try and commit suicide when you were 6? what happened? often the first reason for something sticks.. is it your reason now?

Take care, Ally _%
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