sigh...

It's like everyone wants me to leave. I know they will be better off when I leave but the truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared of what will happen. I told my mom that she looked very pretty with her new haircut and all she told me was "if you took care of yourself, you would be too." She said "all you do is sit in your room." All I told her was that she looked nice. I left the house this morning to sit by myself at a cafe. I did that because she doesn't want me around. I think she is happier when I'm not around.

I wish I had the courage to do it. I OD-ed a couple of days ago. I didn't take a fatal overdose obviously but I wanted to. So I promised myself that I will keep myself safe and I would call my therapist in the morning. I told my therapist about it. I didn't tell her about wanting to take more (obviously). She asked me if I was suicidal or if I was doing it to be self destructive? She knows I also cut. I couldn't answer her...I was also searching for overdose websites this morning...like how many pills is fatal....It didn't satisfy me as the website said a fatal overdose of many pills could cause you to be in pain for days before you die.

 

Your mum sounds like she's frustrated at something. Are you hard to talk to, do you keep things to yourself? Does you mum actually know anything about you?
She might just be annoyed because she cannot speak to her own child mind to mind. Have you told her what your going through or given any indication.
How are the trips to the therapist, do they do anything?

 

I don't really talk about anything with her or anyone else for that matter. You're rite, she is frustrated. I just wish she would let me be by myself. I don't want to see anyone so I sit in my room most of the time. As with my therapist, I can open up with her most of the time. It took me more than half a year to do that but now, I feel more comfortable with her.

 

Its good you feel comfortable with your therapist and can open up to her. But you also need to open up with your mom. I know how hard it is to talk to parents about your feelings, I still rarely do it myself. But I do know it makes it easier for them to understand if they know whats going on with us.

Im sure your mom is delighted to have you around. She probably is frustrated and doesnt know how to hold a conversation with you, if you always keep things to yourself.

Try talking to her. About anything. Start out with the small conversations and then lead up to the big ones. In time you both will be able to talk to eachother without either of you leaving with a bad feeling in your stomach.

 

It sounds to me like your mom is frusturated at the whole situation.It isnt that she doesnt want you around its just she wants the "old you" back.Hang in there bud.