>> Sigh <<

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by just someone, Aug 14, 2007.

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  1. just someone

    just someone Guest

    Sigh.

    Yeh, I am so fucking tired right now. Too tired even to actually get my pjs on and move upstairs, to bed.
    I have to get up early tomorrow morning because I have to go and take care of my social security. I will have to travel by train without buying a ticket, yet again. Because I simply can't even afford a trainticket to the next station anymore :sad:
    My mates are paying everything for me at the moment. I'm far behind on rent. I'm so worried. Yet I can barely get myself to do anything. All I want is to curl up in a ball and cry. There's just been too many goodbyes lately. Too many.

    First I had to wave goodbye to my girlfriend at the airport and I know I won't be seeing her for a while because she fucking lives at the other end of the world.
    Then there was the final goodbye I finally said to 2 very dear people who've both passed away quite a while ago.
    Then there was my friend who went back home to the UK today.
    Tomorrow it's a friend who's lived in our house for some months and now is going back to France.
    Soon it will be the other friend who's been here for some months and will move back to France at the end of the month.

    Not to mention all the things I've said goodbye too. Last sunday I had my last bit of hash, and that means no more drugs for me, at all. At least for a while.
    I have had one glass of wine and one beer the past 2 weeks. Nothing more. And I'm not planning on making it more than that.
    I haven't selfharmed for 2 weeks now.

    I felt so much better emotionally eversince my girlfriend came over to visit me, which is now like 3.5 weeks ago. Even after she left, I still felt great. I mean of course I missed her. And I still do miss her a lot, but I am in love and she is with me. And it's like we're a match made in heaven. But today, I just feel shit.
    The other day I spent 2 hours crying my eyes out in the arms of my friend from the UK who was spending some days here. She had to hold me tight because I had the urge to selfharm and because I felt shit. 2 hours long I cried my fucking eyes out, with no pause. I've barely ever cried that long. And who's here now to comfort me when I need to cry. Because I so need to cry again. Eversince I cried those 2 hours, I've cried every fucking night. And as soon as I start crying it won't stop. It starts with being upset over one thing (like everyone around me drinking while I'm trying to stop), and I just keep thinking and thinking and before I know I'm crying over everything that ever went wrong in my life.

    I need support, but I don't have anyone whom I can ask for support right now. My best mate is doing really bad herself, so I don't want to be a bother to her. My other mates don't know what's going on in my life. And the only ones who do know what's going on are miles away from me and can't comfort me. On MSN I don't talk to people anymore because I feel I'm a bother. All I seem to do is annoy people and lately I've been questioning myself: who are my real friends? Who bothers to talk to me? Who bothers to care or me? Who bothers to love me?
    Nobody, so it seems. I'm always the one who starts conversations. Well frankly, I'm SICK of that. If they care they'll contact me. If they don't care well fine, at least then I know who my friends are and who obviously aren't.

    I've mistaken about friendships so many times in the past already, why wouldn't I be mistaken now, eh?

    At least there's 4 people whom I always can rely on.
    Except for now :cry: 1 is doing bad herself. 2 is away for some days and 3 and 4 live a gazillion miles away from me.

    I mustn't give up. I must hang on. I must.. hang.. on...

    But I'm so tired. I just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep forever :cry:
     
  2. just someone

    just someone Guest

    And here we are. Another night of crying.

    And what for? Because I feel fucking lonely. Today my French mate left. It hurt. He was a very sensitive and lovely guy. I could talk to him about what bothered me. I could hug him whenever I felt like having a hug. Whenever he'd come in I could run towards him and jump into his arms and hug him tight. And he taught me the twist. He was a great dancer. And a lovely guy. I'll miss him.

    Sigh. So many goodbyes lately. It hurts. And I can't even talk about it to my best mate because she's crying every night herself. And my other good mate isn't around for a few days. He is a great guy too. He even gave me the key to his room now he's away for some days. So I can go play Guitar Hero on his playstation 2 when I feel low.
    A walk or bikeride towards the river helps better but in the shitweather it is now, the playstation will do.

    I miss the company I had. I miss my friends. I miss my girlfriend. I miss my English friend. I miss my French friend. I miss my best mate. She's not really there with her mind. I can't blame her, really, but still, I miss her.

    I feel lonely and unloved. I feel bad. I just want a fucking drink. But I know that once I get a drink now I'll be lost. I just want to be drunk so badly. I want to be drunk SO BADLY that I'm fucking sweating like a pig.

    Why am I writing this. As if people won't find out who I am. They will. And then people will get angry again. Which is their good right. I should just be IP banned. I really should, because this ain't working.

    Oh and my fucking phone will soon be out of order, most likely, as I can't pay the bill anymore. Hah. Way to go, eh. Yeah. Life is like a cup of tea; sometimes it's bitter, sometimes it's sweet. It all depends on the amount of sugar you put in.
    Well let me be out of sugar and I can't afford any new sugar, so ya, it's quite bitter right now.

    Blahblahblah. Sorry for wasting time and sorry for offending people and sorry for being a pain in the arse who can't even be strong enough to just fucking stay away from this site and everyone I've met here. Sorry for hurting y'all. Sorry for being me. Sorry for screwing up time and time again.

    But hey, what's it matter, eh. We'll all die eventually anyway. Who cares.
    Everyone leaves me. Everyone's going away. I guess I'm just sitting here to wait for her to leave me too. ... Why wait for that. Why wait to be broken apart. Why wait to be shattered.
     
  3. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    i know who this is

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Aye so do I :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  5. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    All aboard the hug train :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  6. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    :sad: Anytime you need to talk, hun. You know I'm here. :hug: :hug:
     
  7. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    You've got my MSN hun - feel free to talk to me if you ever need to :hug:
     
  8. just someone

    just someone Guest

    Here I am sitting, crying.

    Lately I barely say "I love you" to people. Only the ones I know I really do love will hear that from me these days. Someone said something to me, and it made me cry. I'm scared of losing them.

    I've lost my best mate once. Few years ago. Yesterday me and my best mate from these days fell out cos she hurt me immensely. Today I had to comfort my second best mate because he got beaten up and mistreated by family. And now one of my best online mates seems to have plans for something not so good.
    It's making me cry. Just the thought of losing her. I know she probably doesn't care about me as much as I care about her. And eventhough we don't talk that much these days, still I love her.

    I don't want her to die or hurt herself or anything.
    Sigh.

    Mums is my guardian angel, please also guard my friends, the ones I love. Thank you.
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Hope you are feeling better. :hug:
     
  10. just someone

    just someone Guest

    GRR. Why don't you all just stop drinking!!?? Don't you see you're throwing your lives away not to mention all the wasted money!

    It hurts to see all my mates in pain like that, and alcohol doesn't solve shit, you know that just as well as me. I quit alcohol. I don't drink anymore. At least not more than one glass a week. I would really appreciate if you would all follow me in that. Why don't we all try to quit drinking together? Motivate each other?

    Think of all the money you'd save just by not drinking, or at least drinking less. Plus no more hangovers! No more nights you can't remember, no more embarrassing moments cos of alcohol, no more throwing up cos of alcohol.

    Let's all try to stop together. I don't want y'all to throw your lives away. :sad:
     
  11. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    i know who this is to and hun i know its hard but please hang on okay i know things arn't that great with you but please try okay you got my msn and i'm here for you if you need anything take care hun :hug:
     
  12. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I DON'T MEAN TO CAUSE OFFENCE HERE

    I think i know who this is, if I'm right you have no right to be judging people on this.
    Sorry, like I said, I don't mean to cause offence, just had to say it... :hug:
     
  13. just someone

    just someone Guest

    @ Sam, no offence taken, no worries.
    I didn't mean to judge anyone, it was basically just me throwing out my frustrations. I know a few people who drink a lot to try to forget about their pain, but in the end they only feel even worse. And all I want is for people to be happy.
    I know I can't judge anyone on their drinking behaviour, as up until a few weeks ago I was an alcoholic myself and I was THE example of how you should NOT live if you'd want to live long.

    @ Danni, thank you. Means a lot to me.
     
  14. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

  15. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I know who this is and i'm glad you saw the way you we're drinking wasn't helping. I admit i have been drinking quiet a lot but to me i have it under control but i really am glad that your livng a healthier life.
     
  16. just someone

    just someone Guest

    *****************
    Yah, here I'm sitting again. Still being triggered by the film I watched yesterday. I can't believe I'm still feeling like shit over that film. Yet it was such a beautiful film and I want to watch it again.

    Also I want to hurt myself, yet I don't. My heart says: hurt yourself, hurt yourself, hurt yourself, but my mind says; don't, don't, don't, you'll regret it. But will I really regret it afterwards? I don't think so. I've never regret it afterwards. I don't even regret making the ugly scars I have now. They are so visible and people immediately notice them. And they won't go away anymore. In a way I do regret that actually. If my parents find out... I don't know. I still have that letter laying here which I was gonna send them in reply to their postcard. But I can't really be arsed to send them anything. Nor my sister. Nor any other family member.

    But now my new housemate's stepdad turns out to be the brother of someone who's married with my cousin. Can you still follow it. Anyway now turns out my cousin told her to say hi to me. So yeah, if she tells her stepdad anything about me, it'll end up at my dad's too. Cos my cousin will find out. He'll tell his mom and she will tell it all to my sister or my stepmum. I know them well enough to know that's how it's going to be. So yah. I'm screwed.
    But then again.
    They might see I'm doing better, they might find out I quit drugs and alcohol and selfharming and then they might realize I'm happier without them in my life.

    Omg did I just think that. I can't believe it. It's true though. Fuck the therapists and my councellor with their "it might do you good to get back in touch with them". I don't want to. I'm happier without them. I really am. I have my friends, my cat and my girlfriend. That's all I fucking need.

    Well of course I need money too. I will figure something moneywise. I'll sort something. I'll have to. I can't keep doing what I do now. My mates paying everything for me. I can't go on like this. I have the solution, but can't do that cos of several reasons. I've been having nightmares about it again lately. Just the idea of me having to go there again, of me having to go down that road again, it's scary and gives me nightmares. Even panic attacks during the middle of the day.
    And at therapy they don't know shit about it yet, can you believe it. But yeah, I'm not gonna tell them at therapy. I mean come on. HOw the fuck should I tell them and what good will it do me if I tell them. Nothing. Telling them won't change fuck all. It's happened and I might have to end up doing it again. Fuck that. Can't be changed. So why tell. I'll just continue doing what I've been doing so well at therapy lately. Being the cheerful person who cheers the others up and who's 'doing well'. Ha. Can't believe I got them fooled. Apparently I'm a good actress.

    Oh well. Maybe I should quit therapy completely. I haven't been taking my meds properly. I take like once a week and then I take way too many. I don't even know why I do that, but yah whatever. Like I care. I should just quit therapy completely and go make a lot of money. Then I can go to my girlfriend and help her stop drinking and doing drugs. I want her to stop it, I see how it's hurting her, how it's breaking her. and that hurts me. I want to help her. And if doing the one thing I once promised myself I'd never do again, means I can go there to help her, then I'll break that promise. Anything for her. I mean come on. I told her that if Id have to choose, I'd choose her over my cat. God forbid I'd ever have to choose though, cos it'd hurt so fucking much... And that shows how much I love her. Cos I love my cat more than anything.

    Oh well fuck my ranting whatever. blablabla as if it matters.
     
  17. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: I don't think you should stop going to therapy..I think you should tell them how you're feeling.. Here anytime. xxxx. <3
     
  18. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    :hug: Hun, you know where I am... feel free to contact me anytime, however much you may think it's inconveniencing me. I'd gladly give up a few minutes to help out someone I care about. :wub: :hug:
     
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