Sigh

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Feb 5, 2008.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i just really feel like dying right now and I wish I knew why. It's not like it matters much at all because I've realized when it comes to my feelings they are null and void. If I screamed at the top of my lungs that I wanted to end it all, I don't know that anyone would hear me or if anyone would remotely care.

    I've struggled for the past few weeks to see any light at the end of the tunnel. My dad keeps saying I need to build self esteem, but how can I build anything when I see nothing good to look at, no hope, nothing. I see bitterness and a life of nothing to look forward to.

    I always thought my life would turn out differently. That maybe things would be better, would be more rewarding, but I see how fucked Ive made things. I've screwed my life into oblivion without any care or concern. I could die tomorrow and I'd leave my family a world of debt. I don't see heartache or concern for them, I see debt. How sick and twisted is that??
     
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Kells, no matter how much you think people don't care, we do. I DO! I don't wanna lose you as a friend. Remember all i said on MSN. I'm a PM away if you need some to lean on. I know thats not a lot of comfort but i can try my hardest for you. I loveth the rats.

    Luvs you millions

    :hug: x miillions
     
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    it just sucks that all I'm viewed as is an angry person. Yeah, i'm angry once in awhile, so are half the people in the world.

    i just want to die...tbh
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Maybe if you were nicer to people, then they wouldn't view you as an angry person Kanani? Just a thought.
     
  5. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I always figured you were angry over the way someone treated you which is understandable.

    I am still confused why you went off on me in chat one day some time back and said something about maybe I should do more to help make things better in life. Perhaps your anger was misdirected?

    Either way I care. I don't like seeing anyone hurting as much as you obviously are. :hug:


     
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    maybe if you didnt originally hijack my thread I wouldn't have been mean. maybe if you knew me and knew what I've been through or bothered to ask me at all or read my old threads you would know. stay out of my threads if all you have to say is negative shit about me. I'm so sick of people thinking that's all I'm about because you know what I'm not. So do me a favor and don't waste your breath even posting my threads because all youll get is this because clearly you have nothing of importance or nothing positive to say to help me not want to die. You have just ultimately made me feel 10 times worse.
     
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I dont remember going off on you to be honest. If I did I apologize. Thank you for saying you still care.
     
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    The reason i'm so angry all the time. The reason I'm like this. I'm basically treated like a thing, like an object, like a slave and not like a human. Being raped wasn't enough at 17 but I've been shoved up against walls by the throat by someone that called me their friend. I'm sorry if I don't trust people and if I don't trust their words but it's kind of hard when you are basically treated like a nothing instead of a something.
     
  9. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Kewwy. :sad::hug: I'm around anytime you need an ear, okay?
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: try and hang in there hun:hug: here if you need us!
     
  11. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Jess,

    To be honest I wish I knew what to say if I needed to talk. There are so many thoughts, words, etc. jumbled up inside my head. I just feel hopeless and helpless. I don't know what to do beyond posting here how I feel because once I tell someone it becomes all too real. Telling someone, aside from posting it, solidifies that I am nothing, that I have failed at everything for the past 10 years.

    Since I have graduated high school I have been one failure after another. I'm about 20k in the hole, I have no job, a car that doesn't run, etc. I have given up hope that things might get better. All I hear is self esteem this and building it up. Truth is if they knew how deep into depression I was they'd probably put me in the hospital. I'm beginning to feel that's where I belong, locked up so I can't hurt anyone anymore, because clearly that's all I'm good at.

    Like a previous person said maybe if I wasn't so mean people would care. All I'll ever be is the angry fuckin' bitch who only wants to hurt people. That's the view people have of me because they don't bother to see beyond the hurt and anger. They just want to see the angry girl that fucks up everything.

    Well, here you go. I'll bare it all. I'm a fuck up!! Happy now?

    I think people thrive on others failing. It gets them off in some sick and twisted way!!
     
  12. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I know how that feels, Kellz, I really do. I know that you don't think that anyone cares, and that no one will listen, but we will. You aren't a failure, not even close, you might feel like it, but you're not. You've done such a great job at raising Dylan, he's not even your son, and you've raised him, that's not failing, is it?

    Again, you aren't a failure, debts can be paid off, you can get a job, I know you can, Kellz. You shouldn't think that things can't get better, because they can, I'm not going to say they will, because I have no idea if they will or not. Maybe if you think you should be in the hospital, then maybe you should go inpatient.. :unsure: You shouldn't be 'locked up' and you haven't hurt anyone, that isn't all you're good at, that's ridiculous. You try so hard to help people, you tell the blunt, honest truth whether or not they want to hear it, and that's one thing I like about you.

    You aren't mean, at all. You aren't an angry bitch who only wants to hurt people, like I said, you try ridiculously hard to help people, whether they want it or not, ignore the people who don't want to see beyond the hurt and anger. They aren't worth your time, if they can't be bothered to see the awesome person you are, then ignore them.

    You aren't a fuck up, Kellz, not even close. :nono: Yeah, some people do thrive off of that, just gotta ignore those people.

    Again, I'm around if you need me. :hug:
     
  13. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Thanks sus.

    It's really hard to not let people effect me. It's hard not to let them get to me b/c the truth is whether they see it or not I do wear my heart on my sleeve. I do let people get to me in the worst possible way. I let the things people say to me/about me kill me inside. It's hard not to when I've let things bother me my whole life.

    I think that sometimes when people thrive off of the negative they kill the good that's left. Earlier someone said why not try being nicer, well why not try seeing the good in me instead of focusing on the negative? You are damn right I'm going to take offense when people show little to no support and their only aim is to deman and belittle someone whethr intentional or accidental.

    I'm tired, people. Tired of everyone saying that I will never change. I let one person really get to me with the sarcastic little remark she made last week. She knows who she is and whether it's intentional or not it has eaten away at me little by little. Saying to me that all I do is focus on the negative things about people is so fucked up(excuse the language because I've tried not to go off completely). Saying that all I do is try to get people in trouble is fucked up too. For the past month I have tried to put the negative aspects of my life aside, I've tried to suck up all the things I've wanted to say and bit them back. Certain people know this and know how damn hard I've tried to not be the negative "bitch" I'm always gonna be. You know what (excuse this wording) but fuck you for thinking so negatively of me. I have always thought of this person as a fair and level headed person. Now all I see her as is another condescending bitch who only wants to pick at me for my flaws and not praise me or say thank you for being so kind to others.

    I'm at the point where all I want to say to everyone is go to hell. All I want to say is leave me alone, I don't want to help you because you are a greedy fuck and all you do is take take take and never once ask how I am. I want to say fuck you for your one sidedness. I'm just so beyond caring anymore and to me that's dangerous because once I don't care I have no control whatsoever. I don't want to lose that control because I know the consequences at hand.

    I know that once Kelly goes back to her typical self I'm done for here. I know that people are gunning for me. Maybe it's my paranoia, maybe it's the fact that I know people don't like my less than perfect honesty. I knwo that people kiss my ass to my face and say they like me and I'm a good person. Those are the same damn people who talk shit behind my back and say I'll never change or "look she's back to her old self" One thing fuck you for not thinking it's possible for me to change. I hate you for the fact that you can't see any positive at all.

    Sorry, I can't let this go. Sorry I let it destroy me. I'm so fuckin' sorry I am who I am but I'm not willing to completely let go of who I am so you can make me another carbon copy robot. sorry i'm still breathing and wasting your precious time.

    SORRY
     
  14. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I realized I haven't asked how you are at times in chat. I hope that didn't make you feel like you aren't important because you are. You know, sometimes it's hard to always be happy and in a good mood when you are hurting so bad, especially if you feel alone and uncared about. I feel that way so often and get in such a bad mood at times. It goes with the territory I guess. So if you would like to my PM box is open. :hug:
     
  15. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Thank you. Ditto to you :hug:
     
  16. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i am so sick of backstabbing, two timing, lying sacks of shit. Don't fuckin' talk to me if you are going to be like that. Coniving little bitches. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
     
  17. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry these people are getting to you Kells. I know how hard it can be when you feel you are being judged for the past and not seen for what it is in the present.
     
  18. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    mmmm...

    paranoia is running rampant again. i know the world is out to get me. i know it's your mission to destroy me. to degrade me in every possible way. speak, speak, speak, little monkey. You think you are helping me by being so backstabbing, you aren't!!!!