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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Leiaha, Jan 11, 2009.

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  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I dont even know what I want to write to be honest! I'm not even surewhat I am feeling :( All I do know is that I feel really, really low. My eyes keep filling up for no reason at all :cry:

    I feel guilty for feeling this way too because I've had a pretty good week all told! I should be happy but, I'm not :(

    I dont feel as though I fit in anywhere. In fact, it feels like I'm at a party I haven't been invited to. Like I've gatecrashed this life! Don't know why I'm here or, what for really.

    I just feel incredibly sad today and, I'm scared that I'll wake up in the morning and be at the point that I want to OD again :sad:

    I don't know, I haven't felt sooo depressed for a long time :dry: I'm really worried about where this is going, about what will happen next :unsure:
  2. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    ok, proves the point really doesn't it?
  3. whoamiboo

    whoamiboo Active Member

    I think we all get to this point in our lives where our eyes fill up for no reason other then depression over takes us. I know that I am one that can honestly say that I feel your pain. The fact is that you are not alone in any of what you are feeling. Though you didn't know what to write you were able to write hopefully helped a little. It is not going to cure the feelings that are inside of you but it can help ease the pain inside of you. I hope that you find the comfort that you need to make it through tomorrow so the feelings of ODing subside. Keep talking things will get better in time. :)
  4. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I am just totally fed up of the constant ups and downs. Like I said before, It proves the point that depression never leaves. Even when I think I am feeling a little better, it's just around the corner waiting to pounce :(
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hiya hun :hug:

    I too am dealing with the ups & downs of depression, I'm always waiting for something to knock me down when I start to feel better.

    Some people i.e. my cpn say that's just the vicious circle of depression & when we are depressed we will always think negatively...I dunno if I actually believe her though.

    Are you getting any help for your depression? If you ever need anything feel free to PM me.

    Take care xx
  6. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Yea I know how this feels, to just look around you and feel totally unnoticed. When you try so hard but just give up in the end, when you just dont want to hurt anymore, when you just want to sit in your room and cry in a corner, when youve just fell over the edge, when you just want to stop trying, when you just sit and wait for someone that isn't really there to save you. I know this damn feeling, It sucks but... Hold On If You Feel Like Letting Go.
  7. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Claire.... my CPN said exactly the same thing to me..... i wanted to smack her one and, I am not even slightly aggressive normally! I just felt she was being very dismissive :(

    Angelo.... You hit the nail right on the head there. That is exactly how I feel, totally ignored, invisible, even on here with like minded people. Even my so called friends on here ignored this thread :( I don't particularly care anymore, I have come to the conclusion I'm not a person who is meant to have friends in this life, I'm too boring lol

    Oh well, I'm probably being oversensitive :(

    I am giving myself a week or so and n that time I'm gonna do my best at working hard to try and lift my mood :)

    Lea :hug:
  8. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I permanently feel like hitting mine when she says things like that. I just sit & roll my eyes at her. She just laughs & says she knows I don't believe her but she'll keep saying it anyway. :rolleyes:

    How you feeling today chick? xx
  9. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Ah you know the usual just lately, crap, ignored, dismissed etc lol. I'm just kind of biding my time at the moment if you kow what i mean, i reckon i will know when thr time is right to go ahead. \i'm not even bothered about telling anyone either which is odd! i think i'm at the stage where I just dont really care much now so whatever anyone wants to say or do to me doesnt actually faze me in the least :) Just today I was insulted on this site but, I couldnt be bothered replying, I actually shrugged my shoulders because, I expect it now. How sad is that? I expect to be treated badly or be ignored completely :dry:

    I have learned not to post my feelings here anymore cos I usually get judged for it. Before anyone gets on their high horse over that remark, I don't actually mean everyone.......... Just the majority :)

    Anyway, sorry for waffling on like that, purely for my own benefit really.

    How are you? :hug:
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Lea,
    You said you were boring and that struck a cord with me!! That was always the excuse I got when my relationships would end was that I was boring!! lol !! I just wasn't a very social person and didn't like the bar scenes because I would always have to stick up for someone because they would be drunk and start shit with someone. I am a pacifist by nature but I am not afraid to stick up for myself or my loved ones.( let me refrase that. My supposeivly loved ones).
    I know you are on meds but have they tried putting you on a regiment of meds to work on the fifferent problems you have. I'll give you a for instance.
    1) Effexor- for depression
    2) Geodon- for irrational thoughts
    3) Cogentin- for side affects of Geodon
    4) Xanax- for anxiety
    5) Lamitcal- for mood swings
    Those are what I mean by a regiment. I take all those dailey to help keep me stable. Then I have all the meds my regular doctor has me on also. I found out just how much the lamitcal helps with my moods because I ran out early a couple of months ago. Just one day off of them I turned into a moody prick and would snap at everyone. Then I got back on schedule with them and my mood leveled right off.
    I hope this gives you something to think about.. Take Care!~Joseph~
  11. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Aww hun, nobody deserves to be ignored & nor should you expect it :hug:

    Are you on any meds at the moment? I don't post much myself these days, I don't mind replying to threads but I tend to read too much into things & therefore have a habit of taking things personally, apart from that I guess I am ok.

    If you ever want to waffle feel free :hug:
  12. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I was on MIRTAZAPINE 45 mg but I stopped them just before christmas. Not on anything now.

    Lea :hug:
  13. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I have been on Mirtazapine as well, it didn't do much for me really.

    Have you thought about going to your GP & asking for a new med? Does your CPN know you are feeling worse, do you have much contact with her?
  14. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    My CPN just suddenly upped and discharged me without any warning just before christmas. I have been getting steadily worse since then. Yes I take it personally, She knew i was feeling bad at the time when she dropped the bombshell, how can i not?

    I always said that i would know when the time was right even though i mis-timed it a couple of weeks ago. I am feeling more and more by the minute that this IS the time. Everything is pointing that way, this weekend is it! Strangely I am quite excited by the thought it could all be over by this time tomorrow, no more pain either physical or mental.

    Ive done everything that has been asked of me, always with the promise that it would make me feel better...... nothing did. I've had it with playing their games. I feel like a guinea pig!!

    Thanks for reading this, take care, Lea :grouphug:
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Lea,

    Please don't give up :hug:

    There is help for everyone. Have you tried therapy? :hug:
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