Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by possiblities, Feb 17, 2009.

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  1. possiblities

    possiblities Member

    im new here i just wrote the longest wall of text ever trying to explain myself and get some help only to push submit and then lose it all because i guess i wasnt logged in

    ARGGG makes me so mad
  2. possiblities

    possiblities Member

    let me try again this time i wont write an essay, in fact going to be very brief

    introducing myself:
    im 21

    some things that make me feel bad, the brief version:
    ..having no friends and also cutting myself off from the friends i manage to make / being VERY paranoid and feeling as though people are plotting against me and being unable to trust anyone!
    ...deaths in my family, sickness in my family
    ...having a stupid fucking skin disease
    ...being locked up against my will in fucking inpatient treatment from 15-17 just fury over this anger upon anger
    ...failing at college and now being stuck in a dead end job
    ...drugs... i love some and i hate them all at once even though i havent touched any in 7 months because im on probation

    im so hopeless about life this is about 1/10 of the length i origonally wrote and i wish that i hadnt fucked up when trying to submit that one so go ahead and add that to my list of things to feel sorry about

    im mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself if that makes any sense

    the reason i find myself on this site is because thoughts that started as just thoughts are manifesting themselves in my life.. shopping for ways to do it and constant fantasies about doing it... i want to say that i wouldnt.. couldnt do it but im pulling slowly towards it day by day
    its like i just flash back to bad events in my life daily and then i cant stop thinking about fuck it im a waste i should just kill myself..
    i just keep failing at every turn.. unsuccsessful in college so i dropped out. barely even experiencing highschool but i experienced enough to make an ass out of myself and to hate myself just fucking up again and again its endless...
    then i dont know why but i continue to seperate myself from everyone changing my phone number for no good reason. giving away things i love because i dont need them anymore.. i dont do anything everyday just blurs into the next and i hate each one the same. i hate work, i hate when i get off work. the only part of my day i enjoy is sleeping and i oversleep
    i sleep 10 - 14 hours a day i dont have any drive or motivation

    i didnt used to be this way i used to be an active member of my own life. chasing girls, making new friends constantly. going out alot. not worrying.
    doing drugs all the time was also part of this i suppose

    more than anything i want this all to go away... and i end up here
    i dont dare share these feelings with anyone but im annoymos here and maybe i can share without being judged i feel like if i were to tell someone that hey i cant stop thinking about shooting myself that they would lock me back up1!!! i dont trust anyone what can i do

    please pm me if you dont feel like posting need to find someone to relate to
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2009
  3. Anglerfish

    Anglerfish New Member

    Hey, Possibilities,
    I'm glad you're posting here. It's nice to have a safe, anonymous forum to say all of the stuff that seems to scare people in the real world, huh?
    I really identify with this thing about cutting yourself off and lack of trust and anger; I get lonely, but I still push people away. Sometimes it really can feel like more than anything, you just want out....
    But I found this site just about 24 hours ago, and I've been reading posts on and off since, and to me there's something hopeful about this community -- as though the fact that we exist in such numbers means that this is survivable, and we can live past it, and still extract some beauty from life like we're juicing an orange (maybe a kumquat, on less good days).
    Please respond to this so I know you're still around!

  4. possiblities

    possiblities Member

    well said. heres to making an attempt in making some juice :stretcher:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anglerfish,
    Welcome to the forum!! Be patient. When you are new it sometimes takes a little time for others to respond. I remember when I joined I felt that no one gave a shit about what I had to say. Then an angel came across my monitor and gave me the same advice. Now I have many new friends who are very supportive.
    I pushed every one away from me twenty years ago and for the last fifteen years I have isolated myself in my bedroom only coming out for necessities and for my therapy sesions and doctor appointments. You will find there are a lot of with similar problems. This forum keeps me going, so keep posting and replying and i'm positive you will make friends. Take care!!!
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