...sigh

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chasingrabbits, Aug 25, 2010.

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  1. I feel totally generic, writing this, because it's what every body comes here to do... and I feel like it's all been said... but...

    I am a total dissappointment to everyone around me, my family, and myself. I don't like who I am. I'm a coward. I can't go into a public place without feeling embarassed that I'm there, and later, when I think about it, I'm embarassed that I can't function correctly. Everyone knows I talk about suicide. No one expects me to do it. Maybe I get repetitive. It's this big cycle where I'll want to die I'll want to die and if someone gives me enough attention I'll leach onto them until they're absolutely sick of me and then I'm alone and I want to die. I think that's called being co-dependant.

    My best friend thinks that I use him for a good time because whenever he wants to have a good time without me I freak out and start crying and yelling. I feel so unappreciated and he doesn't understand that. I make no sense, even to myself. I think I'm losing my mind. I use to cut myself and I wouldn't ever cry. Now I cry and I don't ever cut myself. People still look at me like I'm an attention hungry *****. If when you say I'm attention hungry, you mean love starved, then sure. I do my boyfriend damage by being his girlfriend. God. That's the worse thing I've ever done. I make him feel worse about his life. I make him depressed and dissappointed. I want help but I don't know who or how to ask for it.

    So my boyfriend took off (he's gone for two weeks until I calm down, but I keep calling him up and telling him what an asshole he is, so I don't know if he'll come back) and we're both new to this town as of March but I already know the people here hate talking to me. It wouldn't be so bad if there were more than ten of them in this whole friggin' area. But the faces are always the same and they can look at me and see my crazy, I know they can.



    How do I get help if I can't ask anyone for it and the only person I talk to about it thinks it's some form of manipulation? When I was a kid I was scared of suicide because there are a lot of things that you can do in your life. Now I'm not as scared. Because the things I wanted to do with my life aren't realistic. I wanted children. I can't put a kid through this. My boyfriend won't even put up with it. I wanted to be a tattoo artist, meet crazy people and exchange drawings for cash. But I can't cope with going to the grocery store. I'm so pathetic. How the hell do I expect anyone to understand? I wouldn't stand for someone destroying my happiness because they worship sadness. He's a happy person with a happy life. He deserves better.

    I really don't want to start over again. I really don't want to find a new place and I really don't want to meet a whole new group of people. I can do this as lady-like as possible, break it off and pack up everything and move. Wait a little (three months? Shit that sounds hard) and do whatever I please. It'll hurt him, but in the long run it's probably the nicest thing I can do.

    The more I think about it the more I know I ran him off. What did I think he was going to do? He can't read my mind. He doesn't know what this is like. And if he did could he help me? No.

    If you can't make yourself happy, no one can...



    PS if I totally depressed anyone I want to try to counter-act that with some advice... or, anyhow, the name of someone who's advice works... http://www.recovery-inc.com/ ...Look for the newsletter and sign up for it. He'll point out obvious misjudgements in a depressed psyche and its totally therapeutic... but even he'll tell you you need an actual person to help you spot the sick beliefs that are making you sick...

    Woah, this thing got long quick... Thanks for reading...
     
  2. I remember many of the evil things I have done, not all. What do I do then? Why do I not sink in the ground with shame? It was an average past. Why should I blame myself for an average past?" (MDO, p. 144)

    But look what goes on in me. What a wretched person I am. I have worked for many years and heaven knows how many mistakes I make when I work. I make a great many mistakes.I know about black spots in my life. Nobody else knows about them. I could work myself up about the dusky part. It all comes to this matter: averageness. Everybody is average." (MDO, p. 144)

    This organization does not stand for any kind of particular philosophy, except that it emphasizes what is called common sense. But it stands for effort and for the principle-well, the principle I guess-to have the will to bear discomfort, which I will now change and give it another phrasing, and you should have the will to stand torture. This is the road to health if the tolerance of torture is gained through persistent training." (MFMA, p. 6)

    Environment is not constantly threatening. Environment changes. And if you feel constantly insecure, that cannot refer to any reality or any real danger in [the] environment. That can only be a sense of [in} security that has developed into a senseless habit apart from any danger in environment." (MFMA, p. 8)

    How are you going to acquire this knowledge that there is no danger? Briefly, I'll tell you, such a certain knowledge can only be acquired if you practice it and listen to it and think about it continually till it is settled." (MFMA, p. 9)

    It is true that I can stub my toe against a sharp edge, and that may be fate, but it may be something else. It may be that I was negligent, careless. It may be that if I had exercised my will, I would have paid proper attention to things around me, and I would have avoided kicking against the sharp edge. You will now understand one and the same accident that happens, or event that happens, may be due to fate, but it may also be due to a lagging will, to the will that lags in the matter of attention. And it will be good for you to know that these are the main forces in this world. We call them fate, which is thoroughly impersonal, and will, which is thoroughly personal." (MFMA, p. 12)





    Examples of the genious in that newsletter I mentioned... I geniunely feel better having read some of the stuff I already read over and over...

    but this pain I feel is real. Or it feels real. I'm confused. I feel a lot of guilt, too. That's real. I endlessly torture my own brain with guilt and despair. I'm losing my friggin' mind.
     
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