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I dont know if i can swear, really dont care. I feel so numb, like someone could hit me with a car and id just get up and walk away, for the last hour ive been listening to music as loud as i possible can, i want to cry but its like the tears are stuck behind my eyes. I dont understand, i just dont.

And im not sure if i even have anything to be upset about. I've blamed my mother for so long, that in my mind i believe shes the bad guy, no matter what she does, i see it as an act agaisnt me. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL THIS WAY. My life isnt that bad, i had friends, i had a job, i was going college, WHAT IS THERE TO CRY ABOUT ? BUT NO. IM SAD. IM DEPRESSED.

Or am i ? Part of me doesnt even believe i am depressed anymore, Its all attention, ive always been an attention seeker and now im just do it again just on a much grander scale ? But i've got the attention, SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING WORSE? The 'other me' as ive named it, cos i dont know how to describe it, now believes that im making up my illness so that i can use it as an excuse for being such a failure. So that i can throw my hands up and say, 'I failed but its not my fault, im sick'. Yep, thats what he thinks, the 'other me'.

I SOUND FUCKING INSANE. I sit and laugh with my closet friend about it, but inside its driving me crazy. And i want to blame the medication for making me feel this numb, but ive only taken two fucking could it possibly be making me feel this way. Altho since ive started taking it, i keep yawning, i feel sick and my jaw keeps quivering. STRANGE? Yes. CONCIDENCE? I Think Not.

I feel slightly better, but at the same time i dont at all. I still have this feeling, and telling random people about it doesnt help me at all. It would be so nice to understand what is in my head, why half the time i am thinking of nothing. Why little emotional moments on tv make me burst into tears, why everytime i laugh i feel like a fake, WHY MY OWN MIND TORTURES ME?!

I want someone to come along and have all the answers, answers to questions i havent asked. I dont know anymore, am i depressed ? Am i just pretending ? Do i crave attention this much, and if i do, isnt that a sickness in itself ? I dont know anymore... Maybe i do force all the tears, maybe i do...

But why ?


I sympathize with you. It's very confusing to not know excatly how you feel. First, I would encourage you to write down everything you are feeling, including the different "sides" of yourself. It might help to sort some things out, at least it always works for me. I would also recommend destressing and just relaxing. A bubble bath, shopping, chocolate...just take a day-or part of one-where you focus on youself and don't do anything that angers or upsets you.
And you are not a failure. Life is hard, and we all make mistakes. Nobody can be perfect. Just stay strong and try to relax. I hope you start to feel better soon. Best wishes*
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