Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Nov 1, 2006.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I had a friend once. I met her online and at one point she was like.. my best mate. I met her at a website for depressed people (not this one) and we became really close friends. I loved her so much and she loved me too. We always had videoconversations, but when she wanted to cut she always turned her cam off, which made me worry incredibly much, so I always made her turn the cam on again. It hurt me so much to see her cutting herself, but at least I could make sure she was doing ok...
    She ended up killing herself and I was devastated :cry:

    and now I have a friend whom I love to bits as well. it jst hurts that whenever this friend wants to cut they move away from the cam :( No matter how much it might hurt to see them cutting or hurting themself, at least I could make sure they're ok... I just wish they'd realise that themself... *sigh*
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun that made me cry, honestly im sitting here crying my eyes out after reading that and you deffiantly know why.

    Maybe this friend cares for you a hell of alot and loves you to bits and does not want you to have to see something like that, maybe they care enough for you to not bring you into their situation. That person cares for you alot and you know its true, because i've bet they've told you and you should believe them because its true.

    If your that concerned talk to that person, this person does realise it but doesn't want to hurt or worry you, you might be able to cope with it, but that person would feel ALOT of guilt over what they did, and i think you know that.

    This friend will allways be there for you, if you need to talk to them about it dont hesitate to do it, im sure they would understand your point of view, but believe me this person cares and don't want you too see something like that especially after what happened to your friend.

    Please don't worry okay?

    Viks xxx
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2006
  3. webcams are wonderful inventions but then again they are not. they are frustrating at times when you just need to be there with the friend you love. when you need to reach out and touch them to tell them that everything is going to be okay. you are just a screen away but that is all you are, i guess more than what you would be if you didn't have the cam.

    when your friend is cutting they know that you are there on the other side of that webcam. maybe at that point of cutting their pain is so great that they are not feeling your pain. i know your pain because i am you on the other end of the cam. i have a friend that self harms with me via webcam and all i can do is sit and pray that she stays with me long enough until she is done or her pain has subsided. 9 out of 10 times i lose her she fades away off the webcam and i don't see her for days on end. i can not just get in my car and drive to her house to see if she is okay for she is across the country (in another country) i want to be there for her. my pain is just as great as hers.

    yes, we have spoken to one another about this. i believe that at her moment of cutting she is so caught up that there is no controlling her behavior. she does not intentionally try to hurt me as she is hurting herself.

    try to talk to your friend, i am not sure that will give you what you need. just remember your friend is not trying to intentionally hurt you by fading off the camera, they are just fading away to their cutting.
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    thanks a lot guys, for the replies.

    I told my friend how I wanted her to stay on cam when they're doing SH, but they refuse it. I don't think they realise how much it hurts me. You know, it does hurt to see them doing SH and yes it brings back memories, but it hurts only half as much as when they go away and do it out of sight. Blackstreet, you are very right about not being able to go there and just hug them and tell them things will be alright. I would give anything to be able to do that, but I cant, cos they live in another country. Of course I'd rather have them not doing SH at all, but thats not the case. and I just.. urgh.
    The first time that the other friend, the one who committed suicide, did SH she did it on cam. I didnt have a cam at that time and I went away for a little and she didnt realise I was back, when she started cutting herself in her arm. I freaked out and immediately told her to stop (I did have a mic), but all she did was turn her cam off. That freaked me out even more. I started hysterically yelling and crying and almost called the cops, thank god she turned the cam on again. And yes, seeing her doing it, was like having someone stabbing a knife right through my heart, but yet it hurt less than not knowing what was going on, not knowing if she was ok, what was happening and so on.
    I love my "new" friend as much as I loved the other friend. Eventhough after her death I promised myself to never care about someone that much anymore, yet it happened again. And yes i'd be devastated if the new friend would die. I think I couldn't live anymore either if they'd kill themself.

    I don't know what I was trying to say here anymore :sad: :sad:
  5. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    hun i can guess who this person is and i know how much you care for them, but i think you should give them some trust that they wont go too far. i mean no matter what you say or do you can never stop them from cutting too deep etc etc. i know it really hurts you to do this but it may be better in the long run if you trust this person not to go too far and not watch the horrors of it happening.

    everyone deserves to be happy, but you shouldnt be putting yourself through this. we all love you so much we dont want you to get hurt by watching others sh. remember its their choice, and you need to trust them.
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you care alot for this person, but like alex said give them some trust okay, it's not about the whole thing being on web cam its about going off cam to protect you, and all though you would rather them do it on cam i don't think that person could do it, their not the type of person to put you thru that, especially after they know about your friend. They do realise how much it hurts you, but hun you know that this person don't want you to go thru that, at least their comming back on cam after SH, please trust them, and if you really need to talk to this person about it.

    Love ya

    Viks XxXxX
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    It's not that I don't trust them, I DO trust them. but it's like they don't realise that by going off cam they're just making me feel even more pain. And I wish I could talk to them about it, but i"m a sucker in talking about stuff.. I always need to think over my words very carefully, cuz sometimes I dont even get what I'm thinkin myself... it's just weird... and...

    oh well nevermind. It'll be fine.. Or not.. whatever. Dont really care about it anymore. Or about anything.... fucking cant be bothered to care anymore.
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hun they do realise that it hurts, but you know that person aint the type to put you thu seeing that.

    Hun dont be like this, i love ya to bits and i know you care, it'll be okay :smile:

    vik x
  9. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    :hug: no matter what i still care for you
  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    u shouldnt be this nice to me. neither of you. I dont deserve it
  11. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    yes you do, no matter what you say or do my feelings wont change
  12. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    hey ish. i care.

    pm me at anytime
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    ugh better leave me alone, I'll fuck it all up anyway. I'm a monster. Im beyond monster. I'm a hideous, irreasonable, monster. Better not be in touch with me.


  14. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun why you being like this, your not a fucking monster at all!!
  15. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    don't bother. Please just leave it.