New years eve ... and I am all alone in my crappy little apartment. Not one single phone call tonight ... I did not make any cus people knows how I am feeling ... my best friend and his girlfriend and their new baby are to busy to see me. Last time I visited them was x-mas eve. And the whole time I felt like I really did not belong there. The girlfriend hardly speaks to me and I was only there cus of my friend. I am dirt poor atm so I had no money for gifts .. and that really made me feel like i belonged that night. More than one time I saw them sending each other looks like they were ready to kick me out. I sent a text to them and said thx for the evening and one tonight. I have not heard from them.... That was my last and only friend. The only conversation I had to day was this morning in the shop when I said thanks to the person behind the counter when i bought smokes... I have not spoken with other people in 4 days. I cant get out of this place. Damn, not even an text from my sister. She has always written me new years eve. I had a 3 text conversation with my daughter but I really do not feel like having her coming here in 2 weeks. She is sweet and nice but she lives her own life far away from me. Damn, if she should come here I had to clean my place... why is it that i cant do anything. Cant clean, dont feel like taking a shower and just want to sleep all the time. Or just take my toothbrush and leave this shit hole. How come I ended up not feeling like having my daughter here? I have no interest in her life anymore and keep pushing the date for her visit. I have not seen her in 3 month now and i do not feel like meeting her. I know that you read a lot of crap like this. But I have no network and no one to talk to - so you are stuck with me atm. It is almost 1 in the morning. I can hear a party from the building next door. Boy does that make me feel more alone.... Now I will take the next 14 days and try to turn my life around. No success and I am out of here. I have no more energy to live like this. I will write again on January 14th.