sigh...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mrjones, Dec 31, 2011.

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  1. mrjones

    mrjones Member

    New years eve ... and I am all alone in my crappy little apartment. Not one single phone call tonight ... I did not make any cus people knows how I am feeling ... my best friend and his girlfriend and their new baby are to busy to see me. Last time I visited them was x-mas eve. And the whole time I felt like I really did not belong there. The girlfriend hardly speaks to me and I was only there cus of my friend. I am dirt poor atm so I had no money for gifts .. and that really made me feel like i belonged that night. More than one time I saw them sending each other looks like they were ready to kick me out. I sent a text to them and said thx for the evening and one tonight. I have not heard from them.... That was my last and only friend.

    The only conversation I had to day was this morning in the shop when I said thanks to the person behind the counter when i bought smokes... I have not spoken with other people in 4 days. I cant get out of this place.

    Damn, not even an text from my sister. She has always written me new years eve.

    I had a 3 text conversation with my daughter but I really do not feel like having her coming here in 2 weeks. She is sweet and nice but she lives her own life far away from me. Damn, if she should come here I had to clean my place... why is it that i cant do anything. Cant clean, dont feel like taking a shower and just want to sleep all the time. Or just take my toothbrush and leave this shit hole. How come I ended up not feeling like having my daughter here? I have no interest in her life anymore and keep pushing the date for her visit. I have not seen her in 3 month now and i do not feel like meeting her.

    I know that you read a lot of crap like this. But I have no network and no one to talk to - so you are stuck with me atm.

    It is almost 1 in the morning. I can hear a party from the building next door. Boy does that make me feel more alone....

    Now I will take the next 14 days and try to turn my life around. No success and I am out of here. I have no more energy to live like this. I will write again on January 14th.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Mr Jones that is so sad :(
    Your daughter deserves a father, she is obviously independent and strong, you have raised her well.
    Your friends - that sounds familiar, it is tricky to maintain a friendship when you feel so bad.

    Good luck with the next 2 weeks.
     
  3. mrjones

    mrjones Member

    My daughter has a stepdad she calls dad ... that I am actually happy about. He is a good man.
     
  4. northstar

    northstar Active Member

    mrjones I hope things turn around for you, and I think they will. it sounds like you have motivation and want to have support - we are here to support you. I can relate so much - I am alone in this apt, no contacts, nothing. But the people here make me realize that people do care. I care about you and hope you choose to hold on no matter what. Please think about coming back soon to talk
     
  5. brunswick

    brunswick Active Member

    wow, sounds like you're really beating yourself up
    you're doing good, my friend
    life can be real hard sometimes

    we're all more lonely more often than we care to admit
    so we watch movies, tv, play games, read a book, hang out in bars
    anything to pass the time
    and not feel lonely

    it's hard to talk to people about the real things in life
    things that matter to you
    and that you need help with
    seems like all they want is someone to cheer them up
    haha, isn't that a thought

    the real bits of life
    like raising kids
    or marriage
    or keeping a job
    or even finding one
    etc
    no one has the solutions to

    you're doing ok
    just take care
    don't expect too much
    turning around may just mean looking at the situation in a different way
    it's hard to change your life around in 2 weeks
     
  6. mrjones

    mrjones Member

    Hi

    I am still here.

    It is the 21st of january and I feel fine. Actually I feel great. All I can feel at the moment is happiness and love for all around me. Even the bum on the street I love.

    New Years eve I was as close to ending my life that I have ever been. Only because of this site did I get trough that night all alone by my self. Thank you all for your comments and thank you all at the chatroom that night.

    What happend is that the spiritual quest I have been on for many years and never got really started, got a boost from some videos on youtube. It was all about law of attraction. I had seen the movie "The Secret" but felt it missed something. Then I discovered a married couple that was involved in the first edition of the video and what she said in the videos suddently change everything. Their names are Esther and Jerry Hicks. Look 'em up if that would have any interests to you. I am not telling you to believe it or that it is the secret to everything. People are different. But for me it was the key.

    I see a purpuse in my life now. I have applied to an education and know that I may have to work nights and days to pay for it. But it is great. I started cleaning my apartment. LOL so much to do ... I have not clean this place in six month and it is hard work. But I love it. I have text'ed with my daughter and am looking forward to seeing her again. I love her. I visited my mother and her new boyfriend and felt nothing but love for them both.

    I can believe the changes in my life.

    This will be the last entry I will do on this board. I wish you all happiness and love in your life.

    Thank you all.
     
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I am so glad that you decided not to end your life. It's good that things in your life are going so well. I'm very happy for you and I hope things will continue to stay wonderful.
     
  8. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you didn't end your life it shows how strong willed you are. Also I'm glad that you are finding love which is a valuable thing to have. I hope your have a wonderful year with all the love and support you are receiving. Feel free to post any updates in the future and let us know how your doing. :hug:

    Trevor,
     
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