Recently I needed to write an essay for this college application. The question/theme was significant events/accomplishments that defined you. I'm currently on the edge again, having a hard time trying to be positive, on the verge of running away. I didnt feel like writing it, in fact I wanted to scrap it and just say fuck off to all my responsibilities. I still feel that way. But doing that wouldn't make it go away so I forced myself to sit down and write. But in the outside world, i cant be a child, I can't give a sob story and expect an acceptance letter just because they were moved by my sad life. Im tired of meaningless sympathy and a pat on the back, and if I were to proceed with my sad depressing life and overcoming and failing every suicide attempt has made me so much stronger boo hoo, I would want to be accepted because I wrote a good piece.
I sat myself down and wrote down my essay and even if it's not my best piece of work I'd want to share it. I am not okay. But by trying to fake myself into being stable for 2 hours, long enough to write this, I was able to feel lighter even just for 10 minutes,
On the eve of my 14th birthday, I left the comfort and familiarity of home & family as I spent a whole summer to study in Xiamen, China. Prior to that, I had lived a very sheltered life where I was always with my family . The culture shock, language barrier, mixed with homesickness I felt during those 3 months really pushed me to become more independent. I was able to grow more with all the flood of new experiences I encountered & surpassed. That being said, I do not believe that one, single moment in our lives can define us as a person. In fact, I would like to believe that every second that I am alive is an opportunity for me to accomplish something, which will ultimately strengthen my identity and help me define who I am; That every little obstacle I pass is a moment of significance that allows me to expand my characterization of myself. What may seem like a simple obstacle to one person can be like an insurmountable task to another. Everyone has their own personal struggles and once overcome, becomes an accomplishment. From passing a test that took days to prepare for to simply getting out of bed, every little step in the right direction is a step towards self-development.
Personally, getting to face each day already makes me feel like I’ve done something great. Knowing that I’ve overcome the day to the best of my abilities feels like I’ve won a marathon as each day is bundled up with its own unknown set of hindrances that have the power to make or break me. There are days when I feel like I should give up, call it quits, because the world is a chaotic and ever-changing system that can be quite challenging to keep up with. It’s common to break down and feel like I’ve reached the end of the line, but every time I am able to drive myself past those limits, I am left with such an invigorating feeling. By surviving each day, I’m able to learn something new from both myself and from the external world around me. I get a feeling of accomplishment for things as simple as giving my dogs a walk, to understanding a seemingly challenging lesson. It’s the little things in life that leave big imprints on me. Yes, getting to live and study in China away from my family really did help me learn about the world and grow as a person... And I spent another summer there again when I turned 16.
Ultimately though, being able to get through each day, being able to give of myself through my skills, talents, or through how I relate with others will define who I am. Though deceptively simplistic (and somewhat anticlimactic), each day I face ultimately allows me to learn more and point myself in the direction that will bring me to the best version of myself. And as I develop myself into a better “Justine”, with God’s grace, and in His time, I will also be able to significantly contribute more with others.
I sat myself down and wrote down my essay and even if it's not my best piece of work I'd want to share it. I am not okay. But by trying to fake myself into being stable for 2 hours, long enough to write this, I was able to feel lighter even just for 10 minutes,
On the eve of my 14th birthday, I left the comfort and familiarity of home & family as I spent a whole summer to study in Xiamen, China. Prior to that, I had lived a very sheltered life where I was always with my family . The culture shock, language barrier, mixed with homesickness I felt during those 3 months really pushed me to become more independent. I was able to grow more with all the flood of new experiences I encountered & surpassed. That being said, I do not believe that one, single moment in our lives can define us as a person. In fact, I would like to believe that every second that I am alive is an opportunity for me to accomplish something, which will ultimately strengthen my identity and help me define who I am; That every little obstacle I pass is a moment of significance that allows me to expand my characterization of myself. What may seem like a simple obstacle to one person can be like an insurmountable task to another. Everyone has their own personal struggles and once overcome, becomes an accomplishment. From passing a test that took days to prepare for to simply getting out of bed, every little step in the right direction is a step towards self-development.
Personally, getting to face each day already makes me feel like I’ve done something great. Knowing that I’ve overcome the day to the best of my abilities feels like I’ve won a marathon as each day is bundled up with its own unknown set of hindrances that have the power to make or break me. There are days when I feel like I should give up, call it quits, because the world is a chaotic and ever-changing system that can be quite challenging to keep up with. It’s common to break down and feel like I’ve reached the end of the line, but every time I am able to drive myself past those limits, I am left with such an invigorating feeling. By surviving each day, I’m able to learn something new from both myself and from the external world around me. I get a feeling of accomplishment for things as simple as giving my dogs a walk, to understanding a seemingly challenging lesson. It’s the little things in life that leave big imprints on me. Yes, getting to live and study in China away from my family really did help me learn about the world and grow as a person... And I spent another summer there again when I turned 16.
Ultimately though, being able to get through each day, being able to give of myself through my skills, talents, or through how I relate with others will define who I am. Though deceptively simplistic (and somewhat anticlimactic), each day I face ultimately allows me to learn more and point myself in the direction that will bring me to the best version of myself. And as I develop myself into a better “Justine”, with God’s grace, and in His time, I will also be able to significantly contribute more with others.
I didnt realize it got posted already ahahah so I ended up posting it twice.