..... l had two sisters. we were two years apart me being the youngest at four. My mother left me with a babysitter. l woke up from my nap hardly able to breath. l couldn't move. The B sitter was straddling my face. l could smell and taste her. l was crying yelling for my mommy wanting to know if l was a bad boy. The B sitter gave me a bath,"good boy." This happened many times. l was taught to perform oral sex..... One time it was night and the sitter brought her boyfriend. l was laying on my bed as he held his hand over my mouth pinching my nose closed. l saw the hallway light and ceiling out the door. My heart pounded so hard as l struggled. He said he'll kill me. l passed out. l woke up choking. He had his penis in my mouth. My tears were burning my cheeks. No sound came from my mouth when l screamed. My head felt hot. l couldn't move. l was scared. l was shaking.... He orgasm in my mouth, l choked as the semen flowed down to my neck and ears....... l was put in front of my bedroom window allowing me to see people walking by. l was asked if l wanted to ask for help? l nodded yes. When l did try she suffocated me........l learned to love my babysitter. l used to escape in my head. l don't remember how long or often. l was safe in my head. l felt nothing, no sound or light, just numb..... That's when l forgot it ever happened....... [ Mom remarried, l was seven. l walked into my sisters room finding stepfather sexually molesting my youngest sister. l was told to get out and never come into their room again........ My sisters seemed to be rewarded........ l was oppressed......l was ln the washroom and stepfather rushed in and said l didn't have to use that much toilet paper that all l need was two leaflets. l hid my soiled underwear under a rock on the way to school. Dozens of pairs. l was ashamed, scared, felt like dirt ].........A blasting accident this year created an atmosphere under traumatic circumstance l couldn't control; this brought the memories back....... lm seeking professional help using various technics including feeding the right wolf. Are there any others out there that can give any insight to ways of helping? Am l alone to this type of abuse? The inner child within is scaring me. l just would like some advice of perhaps someone has done that helped? Anyone?