Silent Mourning - warning trigger

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by breaking, Nov 24, 2011.

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  1. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    No, I didn't misspell it. It is exactly that .. mourning silently for every loss and insult in my life. Silently - and here as well with no face or figure. It's at least the only place where I know I won't be judged for my thoughts and feelings. I have spent the whole of 47 years wounded, beaten, beaten down and slowly dying. I have reached my limit of coping and reached my limit for just about nearly everything. I feel culled from the heard, shot from the helicopter like over populated game. There are so many of us hurt and dying souls. A small percentage finally succeed in reaching some form of even keel. I am a boat at sea in a storm that cannot right itself. Wave after wave .. a castaway marooned by my own emotion.

    I saw a movie once called, "What Dreams May Come". The scene near the end of the movie where the wife Annie is living in her own hell. Funny, that's my name. Her husband finally saves her (robin williams) by going to that hell with her and telling her he was selfish in life because HE was too scared to face his emotions. BUt in that movie they get a happy ending. I am still in that scene. Waiting for rescue.

    It's fucking Thanksgiving and I have not one goddamned thing to be thankful for-save for the folks here. I am alone, with no family that gives a shit, no one to share my bed or my heart with and no one to offer a hug.

    I've begun to drown my sorrows in alcohol. and with every drink I invite the grim reaper to show me the way to my new hell.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I wish I could give you a RL hug so you would not feel so lonely. I'll be thinking about you. :hug:
     
  3. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    RE: what dreams may come scene.

    i think i am dead and living in that scene too. like my mind is playing tricks on me. not letting me know that i am dead cause maybe there is no dead...only awareness. leaves my thoughs going in endless loops of cofusion.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you have us here hun to talk to we care okay hugs.
     
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Lots of understanding and support here, without judgement.

    My own use of alcohol tended to magnify the bad, the mental and emotional got worse

    (((hugs)))
     
  6. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    Thanks to you all. I'm still just not doing well. I can't distract myself anymore. I'm too exhausted for this
     
  7. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    THanks, to all of you again. In a good way. I thought about my last post and i'm no blaming anyone on this forum, I was just saying that to you all for being there. Still not doing well. Still hurting. STILL!!
     
  8. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    But keep posting, you can find encouragement here. We care
     
  9. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    IT was an OK day, but not really .. the low level anxiety just rushes through me on a daily basis. I wake up anxious and I go to bed that same way. An old friend got in touch with me again a few days ago. We had a falling out 6 months ago and finally started talking again. It kinda makes me feel a little better, but I can't talk to her about wanting to check out. That's what made us fall out in the first place. So I keep all the bottled up inside. My dreams are filled with what makes me so out of sorts. I saw "HIM" today as well. Next door doing what GOd knows. Every time I see him, I just get so depressed and reminded of how hurt me and what I went through - every fucking time. I"m so tired . I'm tired of having to get wasted to go to sleep , tired of feeling this constantly on edge feeling, like anything can set me off. NOthing brings me any joy. NOTHING. I feel like I am on an endless loop of low, lower, low, lower, low, lower, lower lower, lowest. It doesn't stop. None of this is healthy. If I don't kill me, this up and down will.
     
  10. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    breaking- "I am alone, with no family that gives a shit,"

    There's nothing else I could say besides that, you're not alone and that we do give a shit. We'll listen to you without judgments so you just keep on posting :)
    :grouphug:
     
  11. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    I've always known i would never get to be a ripe old age and sit on a rocker sipping tea in the sunshine. And I know this all to well. I won't be making it to 2012. I've spent the last 10 yrs hoping for better, hoping for change. And it's not like I didn't make an effort. I got out, tried to meet new people, get back into running and hiking, bike riding, get back into the swing of life and I participated in life, but I participated half alive. In a walking coma. I'm tired now and for the new year, my resolution is not to exist this way .. not to exist. it's been really good talking to you all, the support here was awesome. but it's time to go now. there are no more pieces left to pick up and no more pieces of my heart to break. It's not like I will be missed.
     
  12. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    I can't do this anymore . I just can't do this anymore. I want to go now .. please help me die.
     
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