Silent Pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AcHo, May 22, 2007.

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  1. AcHo

    AcHo Member

    A little about me.

    Well, I was born in northern Kentucky/Greater Cincinnati area in 1984 and moved to California when I was 2 years old. During the summer of 1995 my mom and I were visiting family in Kentucky and my dad stayed behind because of his work. Then one day we got a call from the the police in California that my father had died from a brain aneurysm. We returned to California to make arrangements to move to Kentucky so we could be with family. We lived in Kentucky until I completed middle school then moved back out to California. That didn't work out so we moved back to Kentucky after living in California for 6 months where I have been living ever since. I wish to move back to California because that is where I grew up and I consider California my home. I dislike living in Kentucky because it is too different from living in California. I miss my childhood friends from California but I'm sure they have completely forgotten about me over the years that have passed. I live with my mother in an old house that we rent out from my grandmother. I'm also currently unemployed. I've never had a girlfriend and my friends here in Kentucky aren't really friends because I don't really hang out with them anymore and our interests are too diverse so I spend most of my days just sleeping them away to pass the time.

    On top of all this I have been hiding a secret since I was 5 years old. I am a biological male that identifies as a female. I should have been born a girl, I'm what you call "transgendered". I'm too afraid to say anything about it because I've hidden it so well that no one suspects a thing. I've often considered telling my mom about it but I don't know how she would react and what she could do to help me even if I did tell her. I told her once in middle school but she said it was just a phase and that I would grow out of it.

    Things are looking very grim and I see no hope for the future.
  2. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    i can't even begin to say i can imagine what you've had to go through. i dont' know if this counts but i've seen transgendered talk show topics and to seetheir faces filled with pain and agony at being different. being different isnt' a crime having to hide it from society because of their limited views, is a crime against humanity. and to have felt this so early on you must be qiute an evolved soul and smarter than the average person. you must feel things that are amplified times a million. i will ask god to please give you the strength to continue even though you feel like this secret has made you feel there is only one option.

    your mom saying you'd get over it can be typical. i know my parents blow meoff. was even told by my alcoholic fatehr that it wasn't "too late" to stop the games right before a family therapy sessin and hebought a decongestant tablet and slammed it onthe therapists table and saidshe took x amoutn of these idnt' belive itandthen stormed out of the session.he has also said that he didnt belivemy family was behind me wanting todie.denial denial denial. are there any support groups (there must be) do you think you'd feel comfortable going there and trying to get understanding and how other people have thought of ways of helping ease the pain. does it ease the pain maybe maybe not

    i just wish i could sit next to you and give you a healing hug. doesn't that make it even tougher the lack of human contact beause of people's ignorance? i'mluck i learned at an early agethat hate is a waste of time and energy when a girl i hated in the8th grade died crossing the highway and got struckby a driver who was high and she got her long hair caught on the back end of the car and was dragged so far and hit so hard taht her sneakers ended up on the top of a store roof. so iwas taught hate is wrong and that's why people tend to confide in me becaue there are no prejudices here in this mind.

    i do hope you are able to find teh support you need. i'm not sure if a counselor would help and i hven't had much lcuk with psychotherapy and drugs.

    thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
  3. AcHo

    AcHo Member

    Thank you for taking the time to post a reply. I haven't been to counseling and I'm not sure it would work. I was taking anti-depressants but I quit taking them because I feel they are a band-aid solution for real world problems that I need to fix.
  4. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I just thought to say that you being transgender is not necessarily a problem as such. You are what you are. You should rather learn to adjust, and perhaps try to move into some more open environment.
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