Silent tears

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Maedchen, Oct 13, 2013.

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  1. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear members,

    I hope that I don't disturb here.
    While thinking about suicide, I found this forum. After reading some of the posts, I felt like maybe giving it a try to find a reason for living on, a friend, someone I can help, whatever. I liked the posts I read, for to most of them I can relate.
    Here I just want to assure everyone who cares to know that I feel with your pain, your sorrow, fear and feeling of worthlessness. Because they are mine, too. I used to laugh as a child, I danced and sang and ran with my brothers. All that is left are silent tears now.
    I hope to find some helpful words to post, or at least to be a tolerated silent member of your loving community.
    Love, Maedchen
  2. thank you for that. its good to know we are not alone. god bless.
  3. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    there are caring people here, i myself was alone and lost. i met someone here who i have been interacting with, they have been very helpful. if someone like myself can set aside anger and other thoughts to open up to someone, i am sure you can too
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hiya Maedchen. welcome to SF. That's nice of you to offer support, but remember that we are here for you too whenever you need it.
  5. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear Carbie, dear Witty_Sarcasm,

    thank you so much to both of you. Your kindness means a lot to me.
    I just wrote goodbye to my one and only friend, because he could not understand me. He thought all this is just because of stress. He doesn't know how painful sadness and loneliness can be, and he doesn't know how it feels if you are unloveable.
    It is good to know that so many here still didn't give up in spite of the the same hopelessness.
    May God bless you all.
    Love Maedchen
  6. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    your welcome, i can lend a ear anytime you might need to let loose some sadness, or anger... anything that might help you out of a funk, i can help or at least try too... as of late i have been struggling with lots of things, i think helping others might help me in the long run. dont ever run from who you are, we are all beautiful people, inside and out. sometimes we need to weed through all the crud in order to find the things we need to help us... i hope you stick around and let the goodness here help you :)
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    to be a tolerated silent member of your loving community.

    Maedchen, you are welcome here if you feel ready to post words of advice for others or if you silently read posts finding help for yourself. You are now a part of the SF loving community. Personally, I hope you find it comfortable enough here to keep posting.
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.

    Be as loud or as quiet as you like - there are multiple facets that are available to discuss (just not anything in the way of methods - they are a genuine no-no for safety of yourself and others) - thoughts/feelings etc - but you can always talk about things that are good - share any poems/writings/art/music that you've done too if you have any - debate the soapbox threads according to your opinions.

    Hope you can shed some light on what's brought you to this point in life and also that people here can share support in order to help you rejuvenate living for yourself (as no-one else can really do it but you, but you sound like you're aware of that)
  9. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear itmahanh, dear fighting_the_tide, (and dear ragdollstitches - I answered in your thread, so I did not forget you, I hope you know !),

    I want to thank all of you for your loving words. They really mean a lot to me, as I am not used to such kindness.
    Actually I had in mind to use your wonderful forum for learning again to communicate with other people. Maybe to find some friends, or just one would have been so nice.
    But my life's circumstances make me want to vanish. The relationship I am living in is highly controlling. He is watching every move I do, I have to stay at home all day long, although I would have liked so much to work and see other people. I liked my job as a stewardess, but I had to give it up for him. He is telling me what I should wear. He is yelling and throwing things when he is not pleased. He is strong, so much stronger than me. I thought about running away, even without money, but I know he would find me. And then,...
    So I have just one possibility to leave my prison, and that is what this forum is all about.
    I hope that this short "light shedding" of why I am here is not too discouraging.
    It's just my story, so it must not trouble you.
    Love, Maedchen
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Unfortunately for you, I don't give the most uplifting replies, but rather straight out there and sometimes brutally honest. This is one of those replies. Your partner (I use that term instead of what I'd really like to call him), isn't worth your tears. You are being abused. He is the main source of your depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings. You can never better yourself if you remain with this brute! Because each time you do, he will find another way to pull you down. Been there for almost 20 years and I had 3 young children eventually thrown into that world. It took those 3 children for me to finally leave him. We left with only the clothes we had on and found a woman's shelter. Please consider doing the same thing. He is making you disappear. Once you are away from him, you will find resources that can help you understand your situation better, find you a safe place to stay and services that will indeed help you regain your self esteem and confidence. Don't make the same mistake I did. You are better, much better off without him and deserve a much better life.
    You need to keep sharing yourself and your issues with others here. No judgmental people here that will make you feel worse. Only people that will help the best they can with advice and support. There is a forum here for those in abusive relationships...please give it a peek. Start a thread about your situation. Post in the suicide thread until helpful words from other make you feel safer. You need to know that you are no longer alone and that you are a special somebody that deserves to be able to let others know you're alive, hurting, feeling lost and alone and would really like a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to your feelings and thoughts. Keep posting
  11. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear itmahanh,

    thank you for your uplifting reply. And thank you so much for sharing your history, which makes me think a lot. I don't find the adequate words for telling you how much I adore your courage. You left your abusive partner with 3 young children, went to a women's shelter and became victorious. I thank God for that outcome.
    In all you wrote, I see truth. Only you cannot know that I am so much dependent. My partner told me that I won't survive without him. And this is true. Even if he couldn't harm me directly, I could never start a new life alone.
    There is nothing I can do, there is no hope, really.
    But still, I appreciate your advice, and it helps to see other people so caring. I don't feel alone as much as I did before I found this forum.
    Thank you again. Love, Maedchen
  12. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Even if you are so heavily dependent on a partner - if you leave an abusive relationship you can find that you are a lot more capable than you think you are. They are not giving you the time and space to be yourself, and that for me says I'd say "You either trust me and stop watching my every move, or you don't trust me and we're over"

    (Ok, that's probably easier to say than it is to do in that situation).

    My current partner has an ex who sounds similar - someone who would readily help himself to her money regardless, who would always make her feel guilty even when he was in the wrong for something, and even those around her were manipulated to believing him over her. Was never physically violent but otherwise was a drain on her. Does your partner have any mental health conditions? It's not an excuse but it could lead to a bit of a better understanding.

    On a personal level - i'd agree with itmahanh, especially with the facts there are possibilities of help out there. It can take time - but there is not completely nothing you can do.
  13. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear fighting_the_tide,

    thank you for your kind reply. And thank you for sharing your relating experience with your partner's ex. Sounds really familiar.
    You know, my circumstances are quite complicated, and I don't dare to write them. But my main concern is that I do not want to destroy the loving bond between my partner and our children. He has no mental issues, I think, and he is a good father. I must not destroy the trust of our children into their dad. I am not important. I would really not know what to do when I was alone. I did not learn to be alone, because I either had my parents or my partner who told me what to do.
    Twice the police was at our house and wanted to protect me from suicide. They asked if I was abused. I could not tell them. I have to protect the children and their dad. I can't tell you other than that I'd rather die than telling the police about all he does to me. So I guess it is really better to just vanish and thus make an end to the cause of all this trouble.
    I am so sorry for having written all this, I really am.
    Please don't think of me. I am not worth it.
    Take care of yourself. I will pray for you all.
    Love, Maedchen
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You ARE strong enough to start over, to get away from him and start again on your own. If you don't think you're strong enough now, it's because he's trying to control your every thought and action. He's got you convinced you're not strong enough. But that isn't true. I hope you'll give it some thought, because you deserve better. You don't deserve to be controlled, hurt and abused. Your life could get better if you get away from him.
  15. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Going back upon the experiences with my partner and their ex - I know enough to say that she feels, on the whole, a lot better when she's not around her ex. And her life is slowly coming together - more so since the involvement of someone realising that the best way out of the controlled emotional/mental abuse is to do what you can and learn to be more independent.

    Like you - she has offspring - but even then her offspring liked me on day one (even though I stopped her from going into a costa to try and make the coffee for her safety - the li'l one soon perked up as we found something else to do). Yet, also like you, I wouldn't prevent the kids dad being involved in their life. I can understand the painfulness of not seeing my own son for over 6.5 years now (he's only 8.5 years old), so I couldn't do that to another person's child.

    At the end of the day - with or without the children - you have to make the best decision for you. Living as you are - is unfortunately unhealthy for you - and you do deserve the chance to at least try. If he is abusing you - you do not have to protect him. And the children will make their own minds up in time. My own dad walked out on my mum when I was 12, so I can also appreciate that side of being the child on the end of a divorce (I was 12 when he threw wedding ring across the floor - 4 years later divorce papers came through - 13 months after that my dad was remarried and I sent a really nasty email to my "step-mother" - I use that term as a way of definition - but I only truly tolerate her for my dad's sake these days.

    If you do not wish the information to be public - you can either PM myself or anyone else on here. :)
  16. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear WildCherry and dear fighting_the_tide,

    thank you to both of you. Please forgive me for not answering sooner. I read your comments soon after you wrote them, and I know that you mean well. I really appreciate your encouragement. I just can't follow your advice. It is not possible.
    I am simply too stupid. Useless and dumb. And that is not meant as a self-pity-party, but just a fact. And not only my partner told me so, but also others of my family.

    I was close to braking my chains yesterday. Just a few steps were missing. But my little one stopped me without knowing it. Sometimes we have to endure a little longer for the sake of someone we love.

    I want to state here how much I am thankful for the existence of this very forum. For me, and I think also for others, it is the only opportunity to express feelings which cannot be addressed to any other audience. Here we can feel safe to write without fearing that the police will knock at our door and bring us into a mental care unit.
    It saddens me deeply that I am not able to donate just a little bit. As I am given only the money for our shopping-list and the change is being checked, as well as every other card-payment that I do when told to do so, I can give absolutely nothing. And this in spite of being able regarding his income. But he wouldn't let me, and he must not know that I communicate outside of our house. I am much ashamed and sorry for that.
    Thank you for providing this forum, dear WildCherry.
    May God bless you.
    Love, Maedchen
  17. Elias

    Elias Member

    Just read and I'm deeply sorry for how you are feeling and the situation you are here in.

    I think no advices can be any good, because we don't know the details you 'don't dare' to write down. They are probably much more than anybody would think and would explain much better your hardship and how you came to feel this lost and cornered.

    Children make everything harder, either way you choose to go.

    The little I feel I can tell you is that you shouldn't - at least - feel ashamed or sorry for anything. You already have your bargain to deal with.
    I've lived with shame half of my life - the only shame is to feel shame.

    Don't live your life in fear... Personally it took me time to understand my father wasn't a good father and that he had compromised my life forever. For years I thought that he just couldn't do differently, because that's the way he is.
    But we're responsable for the way we are. Nature or nurture, we are responsable for the way we act.

    And, as Sartre once said, we are responsable for everything we (think we) couldn't avoid or prevent.

    Much love
  18. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    This part of your post that I have quoted, I would like to suggest that this is most certainly down to the abusive nature of others saying these things. It's hurtful - yes, to have loved ones say it. But overall - that is only their perspective and their words that you can tune out from. You do not have to accept what they are saying as true. Ok, so you might not be able to manage everything in the way that they think you should (therefore they use these phrases demeaningly - hence the reason it's abuse), but you are your own person in your own right.

    I would also like to suggest that you could try to email an organisation such as the Samaritans, for options on how to remove yourself safely from this unhealthy environment. That's what is toxic for you - more so than the depression or the ideations - which I would hazard a guess (just an opinion), is based upon how these people who are in your life treat you.

    It sounds very familiar to me because it's relatable to the situation my partner was in before I started guiding her towards the light. Since she broke up from her ex, she's now found that she's able to do more than she used to, and she even has more support from a therapist and using medication. And that's been achieved within a year. Time can progress things - but the longer you hold yourself in the stalemate of "I can't do this" - the more challenging it would be to pull yourself away from the clutches of the abusers.
  19. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear Elias, thank you. Much love in return. And I am looking forward to your music.

    Dear fighting_the_tight,
    Thank you so much. Your experience in parallel matters make me feel not alone with my situation.
    Yet to be honest, I started the contrary to your advice. I would not know what to do after I would leave my home. And I do not know what to do at home. So I stopped eating, because I do not need strength anymore. Hence I might be able to vanish, to 'dissolve into thin air'.
    There was a person I knew from emails and a little walk in a park, who might have been able to "guide me towards the light", as you did with your partner. He offered practical help in a real overwhelming amount, but he wanted me to get well first. But this is not possible. So I refused any help from him.
    Isn't it strange that we are unlovable as long as we feel down? Only when we fixed our lack of love by ourselves, then we seem to be fit for being helped through affection.

    It is good to write down those thoughts. Thank you for listening.
    Love, Maedchen
  20. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    I hate my life, and I hate myself !!!!!
    Sorry for all.
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