every night i lay in bed, feeling so alone with my thoughts. thoughts of pain, hurt, loneliness, suicide and cry silent tears. not sure where i am anymore not sure what i want anymore. most of all i want to be content, i want to be at peace with everything that is causing me to feel this way. wishing i could get to that corner and try and turn round it, i wish for this illness to let me breath again, let me be, yeah just let me be. for so long ive avoided those feelings, the trauma of re-living the past, but where has that got me; nowhere...im an alcoholic, pretty shit mother and role model, and not much better at being a wife. theres times i would love to be able to turn the clock back, but where would i turn it to...i cant go back as far as i reckon i would need to, it would be like starting my life over again...do i really want that ? all i DO know is the pain is getting too much to bear, therapy has just cranked up a notch and got so much more traumatic. it hurts, god it hurts so fucking much, please let it end, im not a bad person, do i deserve this....yeah probably.