silently screamming

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TJ, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    for the past few weeks/months (cant really be too sure at how long its been)
    ive been really down and out , tired and confused, just wanting to be left alone , i thought it was the fact that i was moving house and all but 2 weeks ago i had a therapy session that has brought me more harm than good .

    we started chatting about the earthquakes , tho ive told a handful of ppl that theyve been bothering me i really havent said how bad it was , now im at the point of losing it ... the reason i havent spoken of how bad its been getting is because ive been sorta trying to just think there wasnt even a quake to begin with .

    the nightmares and the memorys , the vivid flash backs , the fear and the grief , the anxiety of when and where the next one is gonna hit ... and the list goes on .

    i sleep with the light on at night as i just cant bear to be in the dark and thats been going on since sept 4th last year, i cant go to malls because im scared of getting trapped underneath the building, i have atleast 20 litres of water or close too boiled and in the fridge incase we lose water again , i take spare clothes and medication with me if im going out , as in the feb quake i couldnt get home it wasnt safe for me to be alone , and i didnt have these things , everything is bolted to the walls because its so hard to have to be replaceing everything all the time. im so stressed out about what im doing and where im gonna be at any point of time becuase i need to be able to get home , if bridges are down then i need to know another way home , im scared of going on buses now cos ppl were killed on them , and the biggest thing of all ... my friends i lost in the quake , watching that building come down when i knew all to well who were in that building and then watching it catch fire , knowning ill never see them again ... i live in constant fear of the roof falling on me like it did in feburary , i have these flash backs where i just see snippets of what happened that day. and trying to make sense of whats happening now because of it ,

    im hiding away from everyone cos i dont want to be asked how im doing , cos to be honest im not copping all that well with it ... ive cried once or twice , like really cried not just a few tears , but it still doesnt make it any easyier , i wish i had died in the feb quake and that someone else had lived instead of me , and i feel selfish for feeling like this but i just cant stop thinking how every one would be better off.

    i just cant take this anymore i just cant :(
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    -holds you close- -squishes you-
    You've been through a hell of alot, and the few things you said about water and bringing clothes and meds with you, to me sounds liek survival instinct. and i think most of us here, after going through what you did, would act the same way. its not ideal, and it doesnt take away teh fear you must feel, but your surviving, and maybe thats what you need to do for the moment.
    After traumatic experiences we need time to deal with them, and sometimes we cant talk about it for years.
    Just protect yourself, keep going, and we will be here. we care, or I certainly do.
    And I'll stop asking how you are directly, but start talkign about stupid stuff with you, if that is what helps, but you know you can always talk to me. :smile: :wub:
  3. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi Esther,

    You said “i wish i had died in the feb quake”. If this is true, why not just live with no fear of dying?

    What could be the worst thing that would happen if you just live and do what you can at this moment? …just live in the now without thinking about quake or preparing anything for it…just live for what is actually happening (which is the only reality) at this moment…not for any future…not even worry about tomorrow…always just this moment…?

    Surely you can deal with just this moment? I’m not saying it’s easy, but it may be easier than being overwhelmed with the past and future?

    You know you cannot change the past and you cannot really know the future. Now is all we ever have. You may find the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle helpful. The book can be found in most bookstores around the world. Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF:

    You can get through this. You can live life without the burden of the past and future…

    Wish you well…
  4. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Esther bunny soft :hug:

    I am so sorry, I know the amount of trauma is tremendous.

    I imagine many of ur fellow New Zealanders are going through same.

    Is there any trauma support being offered yet?

    I am always available. You know how and I would like to help if I can.

    My thoughts and prayers with you.

    Kia kaha
  5. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    sending you love est. im sorry - it must be so hard for you. it must all be quite raw for you still though.... time heals but time can take so long :hug: here if you need. :hugtackles:
  6. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    thanks for ur replys , i guess all i can say is that im sturgling so badly with the effects of this.

    i feel as tho im letting ppl down by not being 100% with it at the present , i feel im being a bad friend for not being avaible and such , i cant even walk down the road without seeing the effects this has had on myself and others in my city ..

    when i said i didnt want ppl to ask me how i was i was meaning from the point of view that its hard when everytime asks u that question and the response is always a negitive one ...

    weve come into winter time now and ive noticed my mood is always worse around this time of year ... add what ive been going thru into the mix and its caused more harm than good .

    i just wish i could block it all out , so that i didnt have to feel what i am feeling , i wish i was one who died but im terrified of dying how they did , i need to feel in control of my death and that day defiantly wasnt within my control.

    i dont know how to deal with this so that im ok , but on the other hand i dont want to deal with it at all . i want to go back to pre september , pre the earthquake when everything was right within my city etc , atleast then i wouldnt have to deal with the trauma side of things ...
  7. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi Esther,

    What you describes sound very much like PTSD. I might be off base, but the therapy sessions will be at first hard because you will have to confront what happened. It seems that unfortunately, it took a while before you could receive that kind of help and with PTSD, the sooner you get treatment, the better. Right after the quake, you were so busy just surviving that you had no chance to process any of the feelings and now it all comes back to you.
    I believe that at some point in time, taking all the reasonable precautions you can related to living in an earthquake area will become second nature and you wont have to think about it. It will be the new normal. Of course, nobody cant control it all, but you can do a lot to mitigate the consequences. Knowing what to do and being prepared will restore some of your sense of safety. Its very cliche, but over time, you'll come to see yourself not as a victim, but as a survivor. You had no say that day in who made it alive, none of this is your fault. Sometimes, in addition to the pain of losing love ones, we feel guilt over events we were powerless to prevent in an attempt to restore some sense of control. I can only say, be patient with yourself. The people around you will understand what you are going through. Maybe participating in discussions with others who have been through the same could help in getting a lot of your chest in a safe and supporting environment. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 10, 2011