for the past few weeks/months (cant really be too sure at how long its been)
ive been really down and out , tired and confused, just wanting to be left alone , i thought it was the fact that i was moving house and all but 2 weeks ago i had a therapy session that has brought me more harm than good .
we started chatting about the earthquakes , tho ive told a handful of ppl that theyve been bothering me i really havent said how bad it was , now im at the point of losing it ... the reason i havent spoken of how bad its been getting is because ive been sorta trying to just think there wasnt even a quake to begin with .
the nightmares and the memorys , the vivid flash backs , the fear and the grief , the anxiety of when and where the next one is gonna hit ... and the list goes on .
i sleep with the light on at night as i just cant bear to be in the dark and thats been going on since sept 4th last year, i cant go to malls because im scared of getting trapped underneath the building, i have atleast 20 litres of water or close too boiled and in the fridge incase we lose water again , i take spare clothes and medication with me if im going out , as in the feb quake i couldnt get home it wasnt safe for me to be alone , and i didnt have these things , everything is bolted to the walls because its so hard to have to be replaceing everything all the time. im so stressed out about what im doing and where im gonna be at any point of time becuase i need to be able to get home , if bridges are down then i need to know another way home , im scared of going on buses now cos ppl were killed on them , and the biggest thing of all ... my friends i lost in the quake , watching that building come down when i knew all to well who were in that building and then watching it catch fire , knowning ill never see them again ... i live in constant fear of the roof falling on me like it did in feburary , i have these flash backs where i just see snippets of what happened that day. and trying to make sense of whats happening now because of it ,
im hiding away from everyone cos i dont want to be asked how im doing , cos to be honest im not copping all that well with it ... ive cried once or twice , like really cried not just a few tears , but it still doesnt make it any easyier , i wish i had died in the feb quake and that someone else had lived instead of me , and i feel selfish for feeling like this but i just cant stop thinking how every one would be better off.
i just cant take this anymore i just cant
ive been really down and out , tired and confused, just wanting to be left alone , i thought it was the fact that i was moving house and all but 2 weeks ago i had a therapy session that has brought me more harm than good .
we started chatting about the earthquakes , tho ive told a handful of ppl that theyve been bothering me i really havent said how bad it was , now im at the point of losing it ... the reason i havent spoken of how bad its been getting is because ive been sorta trying to just think there wasnt even a quake to begin with .
the nightmares and the memorys , the vivid flash backs , the fear and the grief , the anxiety of when and where the next one is gonna hit ... and the list goes on .
i sleep with the light on at night as i just cant bear to be in the dark and thats been going on since sept 4th last year, i cant go to malls because im scared of getting trapped underneath the building, i have atleast 20 litres of water or close too boiled and in the fridge incase we lose water again , i take spare clothes and medication with me if im going out , as in the feb quake i couldnt get home it wasnt safe for me to be alone , and i didnt have these things , everything is bolted to the walls because its so hard to have to be replaceing everything all the time. im so stressed out about what im doing and where im gonna be at any point of time becuase i need to be able to get home , if bridges are down then i need to know another way home , im scared of going on buses now cos ppl were killed on them , and the biggest thing of all ... my friends i lost in the quake , watching that building come down when i knew all to well who were in that building and then watching it catch fire , knowning ill never see them again ... i live in constant fear of the roof falling on me like it did in feburary , i have these flash backs where i just see snippets of what happened that day. and trying to make sense of whats happening now because of it ,
im hiding away from everyone cos i dont want to be asked how im doing , cos to be honest im not copping all that well with it ... ive cried once or twice , like really cried not just a few tears , but it still doesnt make it any easyier , i wish i had died in the feb quake and that someone else had lived instead of me , and i feel selfish for feeling like this but i just cant stop thinking how every one would be better off.
i just cant take this anymore i just cant