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Sincere Anguish and Regret

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I was not even close to the boyfriend I should have been to this one girl 8 years ago I was 17. She was the most sincere and pure girl, yet I was young and stupid and was controlling, even psychologically abusive to a certain extent I try not to think about it too much but it does haunt me to some degree.

I cheated on her multiple times like one night stands with random girls, I had confessed to them multiple times. I even used projection on her accusing her of cheating. I even once hit her after I accused her and she slapped me and I had punched her in the ribs.

The final straw was I had cheated and made a video and had sexual relations with this one girl with loose morals my ex friend had taped it. Anyways one night we were drinking and I remember being in my room she asked if I had cheated and it turned her on(obviously a bit of deception to see if I had screwed up) where I admitted to cheating when she asked me and told her about the video. It was at my friends house and I went and got it the next day and showed it to her. I don't even know what I was thinking(I must have not been) my friend at the time even told me not to show her(he's not even as kind of a person as me).

She did do a few cruel things to get back at me one could consider them revenge but I don't hold it against her she was mostly just coping due to how much pain and hurt she was in.

I've really regretted showing her the video like when it came up with the one guy I used to be friends with he would say that was dope and I would say no it was wrong I shouldn't have done it.

It was not my intention to hurt her, however it was obviously callous and lacking empathy to do that, which could easily make it seem like I had malice intentions showing her the video.

She had many issues like even when we started dating self-harm and bulimia, I should have known better. I'm pretty sure there had been some boys that were fairly cruel to her as well, although I don't think she told me or at the very least I don't remember the details.

Looking back I likely felt cheated due to me not being happy about my looks(I had mirror avoiding behavior and other stuff BDD type) and having felt rejected and not good enough from other women over and over. I also had at least one and possibly two other traumatic things that I dealt with as a child. I had also been bullied some(nothing that bad) I had also bullied others as well nothing too bad as well.

By 2007 I tried to add her on FB in which she shut me down and said why would I want to be friends with you, after I was such a jerk to her. I saw she had a BF, I only wished that guy to treat her right and for her to be happy.

I had been in the hospital for a few days in 2008 after many issues piled up for me. I saw this east Indian lady rocking back and forth and it reminded me of her rocking back and forth after she had seen the video.

After this when I got home I tried to apologize one last time three years ago in which she told me she has PTSD. Now having understood the full extent of the damage I had done the guilt and remorse became much worse.

I told myself that I wouldn't take someone for granted and I would treat them the way they deserved. You know treat someone the way you'd like to be treated, aka the golden rule.

I had also harmed others as a minor due to me being impulsive, and not as considerate as I should have been. I jumped this one guy she had been flirting with, at his locker in 2003 and got kicked out of school. I was on dexedrin at the time which didn't help. It was a cruel impulsive thing to do after my teacher had told me to go home for the day.

Other then that one incident I can't say I intended to really hurt anyone stuff just sort of happened.. Like this one kid at age 14 these other kids told me to call him up to smoke weed and then they punched and kicked him and he ran home.

Two years ago I came out of my shell and wanted a relationship I fell for a few women who were only out to play me for a fool with cruel and vindictive intentions. People can be cruel and bully others for no reason and think the person is deserving of it. Let alone if the person has harmed others, then they will feel that person really deserves it. I was under a whole psychological assault for a few months. Finally I got lured up and toyed with when I was black out drunk very likely drugged as well, I ended up with a broken bone.
You know how some people are they like to wreck your life out of revenge. Eventually I got driven to temporary insanity and I made a bad judgment only a couple days before going into the hospital, for a few weeks. I've had women be quite cruel to me over and over, even since the hospital incident.

I had a lot of enemies and now I have much more due to my bad judgment. I don't like causing harm, I'm not a cruel person like that, sometimes causing harm is just our weird way of coping with a horrible situation. Like my Ex-GF when she had gone after my Ex-bestfriend and had sex with other guys then went to hang out with me. Even ditching me at a club one time after I drove a ways down to pick her up.

Back to my ex last week I cried with sincere anguish about the pain I have caused this girl, then I had a dream about her. She deserved me to treat her so much better. With all of my issues we probably should have broken up months before the whole video fiasco.
I suppose all i got for you is to leave the past in the past and try to be a better person in the future. Although i'm a bit offended that you hit a girl i'll get over it. Next time somethin big goes down think before you act please.
Yeah it was a one time thing, once you can call a mistake. It was a knee jerk reaction thing not that it's an excuse but it was what happened, doing that was very wrong. The physical pain it caused and how it effected her mentally and emotionally she was totally undeserving of.

If you only knew all the cruel things other women have and others have done to me and never since have I laid a hand on them you would commend me for my restraint.

With that said, yes I have learned to control myself much more I changed for the better. I finally opened up to the world years later two years ago to be exact. When I did this the world was cruel to me over and over again. It was a sick revenge plot because I had harmed others as well as her when I was young. 13-17 to be specific. Call it bad timing or whatever. I was basically just the target of these guys to get thrown under the bus.

Like I stated I was somewhat controlling and came off as sorta crazy being like if someone harmed me I'd hunt them down or whatever. It wasn't my goal to be abusive. However looking back I'm sure given some of the other stuff I had done like going after that guy who she sat on his lap in front of me. She must have felt intimidated or afraid to leave. Maybe I suffered from illusory superiority back then. It was never my goal to be like let's be abusive to this girl no, not at all I was an insecure seventeen year old who didn't know better. I will admit to some degree I did lack empathy and compassion. Like what on earth was I thinking when I showed her that video, I must not have been thinking, who knows exactly maybe I figured I told her so I should show her. I never thought how it would hurt her especially to that degree.

This girl was so hurt that she got a few revenge's against me going after my ex-bestfriend, going out with other guys and hanging out with me after, once having sex prior, ditching me at a club. While upsetting at the time I never held them against her. She was merely coping the best she could, I had hurt her.

A good quote is.

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."

-Muhammad Ali

Over the years I learned to be more compassionate and empathic. I was only a minor back then. The golden rule of treating people the way you like to be treated. I had suffered a lot on my own with much more physical health issues then the average Joe, even other stuff like depression and stressing about my appearance (aka BDD). I even had BDD type behavior as young as 15 doing mirror avoidance behaviors back not turning the light on when I'd go to the bathroom, focusing on a couple aspects of my appearance somewhat obsessively even compulsive mirror checking behaviors a few years ago. Not to mention not having a proper girlfriend for years, being mostly isolated. As I mentioned before when I finally opened up wanting to have a GF they weren't genuine with me at all they were using me, playing sick games all out of revenge because they hated me and used rationalization to be cruel to a nice, genuine, kind sincere guy. I could go on but I'll spare the details, I'm not looking for pity, merely understanding.

Another good quote is.

"True freedom and the end of suffering is living in such a way as if you had completely chosen whatever you feel or experience at this moment. This inner alignment with Now is the end of suffering. Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. You would not be reading this now. Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary."
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I'm very sorry, you know who you are.

I'm also sorry to everyone I've hurt, some times things just happen who knows maybe I'm cursed even when I have good intentions, just like the movie the butterfly effect.

I have changed a lot. I'm not that person anymore. Theory of mind can take years to develop(putting yourself in others shoes).

You don't have to forgive me nor do I have to forgive those who have abused and harmed me even seeking out revenge.
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