sincerely.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by the.stars.go.blue, Aug 15, 2009.

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  1. Typically, I am a very empty person. I've learned to live this way because I was tired of being angry. It takes so much energy to be an angry, hurt person, and I didn't like who I was when I was that person. So instead of beating myself up about it, I decided to change. But recently, I have become very attached to this person whom I have been spending a lot of time with. Firstly, before I go into detail, I do not get attached to people. I avoid emotional ties with people on purpose. But John (as I will call him) has dug into my skin and underneath all of the walls I've posted up. He has been my continuous support for as long as I have been near him, close to him. And I appreciate it so much. It makes me very happy to know he is there, but it kills me more inside to know I am vulnerable.

    Anyway, this is not about him. I'm leaving to go back to college, and I'm going to leave him behind no matter how much it will hurt. It will be better in the end to hurt him and myself than try to hold on to something that's destined to end in tragedy. I do not fall in love. And I won't. Anyway, I normally, on my good days, am a writer. I have written since age 12, and I feel it is the only thing that keeps me centered. But lately everything I try to write becomes clouded and unsure. I can't force myself to pen what is lingering inside my heart; all the pain that I have shoved down my throat, the memories I have dug up, the sadness I feel about leaving the only people I care for in this world to go back to a university I hate.... I just want so desperately to get on a plane to some of the places they sing about. Maybe to Boston. But I'm feeling so... unsettled. I have been dealing with extreme emotions recently that I am not accustomed to. I am generally apathetic, careless, cold. Cold is a good description. I just want them to end. I want to go back to my simple, painfree existence. I can't deal with this.
     
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hey there..welcome 2 the forum..
    i can relate 2 ur post - i 2 feel vunerable when i 'let ppl in'.. it is really difficult..
    have u tried medication/therapy 2 ease the depression? it could help..
    u sound like a very intelligent person.. i really hope u settle back in2 university ok.. and give urself a chance 2 get well..do they have any support networks at ur university that u can take advantage of?
    feel free 2 Pm me anytime..
    all the best :hug:
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I sense that something has happened in the past to make you want to avoid emotional ties with anyone. Sometimes it feels much easier to simply avoid becoming close to anyone than to allow yourself to be hurt. This is true to a certain extent, but in the long run, the emotional cost is much greater. Don't be afraid to risk happiness. Who knows what you just mind find. :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2009
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. But you are not empty... you have much to say...you are very well spoken and have much to write about. Please don't give up on that because it will come.

    We are emotional beings by nature. People who are devoid of emotion and affect usually lead a very lonely existence. As Gentlelady states above you shouldn't be afraid to risk being happy.
     
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