single-handedly destroyed everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by absolom, Mar 15, 2016.

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  1. absolom

    absolom Banned Member

    Who does that? Who destroys everything in their entire life? EVERYTHING!
    family, business, school, finances... everything is gone, and it is all my fault.

    <Mod Edit :Methods> If it is instant, then I won’t feel or know anything which would be ok. What stops me? Not wanting to involve another human being in my demise.

    <Mod Edit:Methods>

    No one would miss me because there is nobody left. If I die in my apartment, no one would find me. It would take a neighbour complaining about the smell that would lead someone to my body.

    There really isn't anything keeping me here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2016
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  2. I understand your pain and thoughts. I have them as well. We are all here for a purpose and we just have to figure out what it is. You are not alone although you feel like it. That is the depression talking. Are you seeing a therapist? If not I encourage you to. Just know you are not alone. All of us here are struggling to cope with our own stories. Just hang on
    Petal and sahel like this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you feel this low about everything.

    Do you want to talk more about what has happened? I'm almost sure everything isn't as lost as you feel.
    It's one of the 'joys' about depression, making us think that, that all is horrible and nothing can be done to fix it...
    Are you getting any professional help to get you through it? Therapist or a counselor?

    You deserve to live, life can always be turned around, maybe not tomorrow but in time and with some proper help it can.
    You can find things to live for, you can find passions worth staying around for. You could get a hobby, create things, get a pet... do charity... there's a lot of things.

    But the main thing is to reach out and ask for help. And yes, you absolutely do deserve it.
    Petal likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. At least you know you are not alone. As for who's done that? I've done it myself and I am struggling but keeping hope alive at the moment. I think you should seek professional helps, how strong are the urges to die? Please get yourself some help before it is too late, stay and talk here too :)
  5. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I understand you. I took early retirement 9 weeks ago after 18 years at County Social services Department because I realized that it was going to kill me sooner or later. The job was thankless and the management was even less thankful.
    I left with a small pension that only pays the mortgage and nothing else, no medical insurance which is a big concern for me as I am 55 years old and I know my body is breaking down. So far I have been lucky as to health issues.
    My wife is disabled due to lupus and her disability income barely pays the rest of the bills. Savings is dwindling which even creates more a problem.
    My wife believes we should travel on money we don't have so we argue about that.
    I just had to pay 160.00 for a trip to urgent care to get treatment for my bronchitis because if I did not do that then it would turn into pneumonia. I know the reason I got hit so hard with the bronchitis was because of being depressed and my immune system not fighting it.
    I look for jobs on the internet as now you don't go to places to apply, it is all done by the internet. This is demoralizing as most employment there is part time with no benefits to speak of, I don't know if I will ever work again.
    Our cars are old and breaking down which cause even more stress. The house is a mess because I am not motivated to clean it. I dread getting out of bed in the morning even though I don't really sleep.
    Unable to get counseling for the depression or suicidal thoughts as even on most sliding scales we earn to much, approx. 42000.00 a year.
    I too feel that I have destroyed my life and in an indirect way my wife's.
  6. Jool

    Jool Member

    None of this is your fault. You are OK for feeling like this. The modern world that we live in is not our natural way of being. You have these feelings because you are not a robot and are caring and intelligent. That is a good thing.
  7. Jool

    Jool Member

    You have also been through some big changes recently and are coping with the illness of someone you care about. You haven't destroyed your life, you are a caring individual trying to cope with circumstances beyond your control. Cut yourself some slack OK? None of your problems are you. Perhaps this is a good time to take advantage of your time to find out more about yourself. Don't worry about the housework. It is nothing.
  8. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your response. It is tough and I try to take it day by day yet sometimes I just want to stop it.
  9. Jool

    Jool Member

    Yes I know. What you're going through is tough. Very very tough, and your own mental chemistry is working against you. But try to remember it's not the soul of you. All those thoughts come at you and no you can't ignore them entirely but they don't need your entire attention either. Acknowledge them but just put them aside. They're not going anywhere just yet anyway, unfortunately, so just put them aside and tell them you'll get back to them later when you're stronger. And strong you are. Little by little.
  10. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. The day of pain starts again.
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