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Single mom of a two year and hopeless

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jacesmommy1005, Sep 24, 2015.

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  1. Jacesmommy1005

    Jacesmommy1005 New Member

    So I am not really sure where all to start but here it goes. I am a young mother age 26 to an about to be 2 year old boy. Life in the past few months have drastically spun out of control. I am currently married but my marriage is Im pretty sure abusive. In June of this year I let my parents take my son on vacation out of state for two months because they are honestly the only babysitter/child care I have so I can work. I have struggled for years with bipolar depression and actually od in 2012 <mod edit - methods>. Surprisingly I woke up 2 days later in the hospital perfectly normal and not harmed at all. I swear if I ever had a kid I would be able to keep it together and not be suicidal but yet Im back where I was in 2012. Feeling hopeless. I figured when my son left for vacation I could get things together. Get back on track with work and going to the doctors for my mental health. Well unfortunately I miss alot of work due to being so depressed and not being able to get out of bed and having severe anxiety. I was late to my doctors appt by 5 mins to start getting back on medication when the doctor rescheduled bcuz of my lateness until October 5. Also while my son was gone I left his father bcuz I can no longer talk the verbal abuse and him always demanding sex from me. I was raped as a child so when u constantly demand sex or I feel thats all Im good for I become more depressed. When I left my husband I moved back into my parents house and started hanging out with one of my friends with benefits I call him that Ive known for 9 years. I am completely in love with him and feel like im a better person around him. However we have a rocky past. Back in the day he knew I was in love with him but didnt want a relationship. We have both grown up since then and both have children about the same age. However I to scared to express my feeling to him bcuz of the fear of rejection like the past. Anyways we started sleeping together and I found out I was pregnant by him. My son was due home in less then a week and I started fearing how to incorporate my son and my friends with benefits lives together. Instead of giving it a shot I ran back to my husband bcuz i didnt want to bring another man into my son life. I did tell my friends with benefits that I was pregnant and we agreed it would be best to terminate however we never really got to face to face talk about it and now I regret not talking to him before I made the decision. Everyone around me my husband, my parents, and some friends pretty much forced me to abort. I was under so much stress that I barely remember the events of that day it was almost like i was on auto pilot and now I hate myself. Because I had a chance to have a child by my first love and we never fully got to discuss our options. The abortion was 9/11/2015. Since then I have lost my job due to absents, my license was suspended for not keeping insurance up to date, my car was repo for late payments, I do not have a dollar to my name. I didnt even get to rest after my abortion as no one would watch my son for me. I am extremely anger and losing my sanity. I of course left my husband again bcuz he thinks since i dont have money or a car that he can control me more now since he has the money. He will help me out but only on the condition that I give him sex on demand. My parents are no help either. They have just left me to go on a cruise until sunday. They left me home with my two year old son with no car and no money. I feel like I cant even get another job bcuz I one have no child care and now I have no transportation. My parents and my husband always talk down on me like im a horrible mother when I know Im not. But after you hear it so many times you being to believe it. I dont sleep much at all or even eat. Im so depressed and angry that I feel like I am not a good mother bcuz i lose my patience alot faster now with my son and yell more and I hate it. Honestly all I want is a sort break to myself to figure things out. I really wish I could check myself into the mental hospital bcuz i need to be medicated and quick. But I cant do that bcuz i have no one to care for my son. But Im clearly losing it. I think about dying all the time and just giving up but I cant bcuz of my son. I cry all the time now bcuz I feel hopeless and have no help. I feel that eventually it will all become to much and I will just impulsively off myself. Ive stopped talking to friends and family. I feel like no one can or will help. Does anyone have any suggestions???? I'm in extreme need of some serious advice. Sorry this is so long but I think I got pretty much most of my problems out. Thanks in advance for any advice.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2015
  2. BipolarGirl (Deathplease)

    BipolarGirl (Deathplease) Well-Known Member

    What general area do you live?

    You really need to get someone to care for your son and get to a hospital. I know you know that. Can you call a hotline and see if they have suggestions for your son? If you live in the Minneapolis area I would definitely help you out caring for your son. I am bipolar too and I know how important it is to get medication when you are out of control.

    You need to stay away from your husband.

    Is it possible that your friend could help you out? I know you said you didn't want another man in your son's life but if he is willing to care for your son while you are in the hospital it might be worth it.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    If you really do need to be in the hospital in order to be safe, you can ask for help from social services. That is what they are there for. If you are too unstable to look after your son, you need to do the responsible thing - the right thing - for him, and ask for help from the professional people who can give it. The fact is that although you left your husband, he is still the baby's father and I am sure he can take care of him if you are admitted to hospital.

    Go to the hospital - speak to a doctor. Get the medication that you need and ask for support with your son. If you can't care for him yourself, you need to make sure that the right people know that so they can help. He is 2 years old and can't advocate for himself - you need to do that for him. Once you know he is taken care of you can focus on getting yourself stable again with the right medical support. No, it does not fix all the overwhelming things that are making you feel so bad, but it starts to help you to cope with them.

    Go to the hospital and ask for help.

    Take care and stay safe,


    Edit: Also, while I have no doubt at all that it was offered with the best of kindness and good intentions, do not accept childcare from strangers on the internet under any circumstances!
  4. BipolarGirl (Deathplease)

    BipolarGirl (Deathplease) Well-Known Member

    I agree Freya I just couldn't help but offer
  5. Jacesmommy1005

    Jacesmommy1005 New Member

    Thanks guys I'm working on this now.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Is a hard situation and would be for anybody- don;t get too down on yourself or think it all needs to be fixed at once. Do things and make changes one at a time until you feel better and things are sorted- getting yourself real help though needs to be the first step to put yourself in position to make other long term changes. +

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there ypu sure are going through a lot and do not deserve to feel this way. People CAN and WILL help you if you reach out. Go to your doctor and be as honest as you can and you will get the help and support you need and you have us here, I am also 26 years old but don't have any experience with marriage/kids etc.. but I will listen if you need to talk. I am really sorry you are feeling this way. Help is out there waiting for you. Hugs to you (hugs)
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