So I am not really sure where all to start but here it goes. I am a young mother age 26 to an about to be 2 year old boy. Life in the past few months have drastically spun out of control. I am currently married but my marriage is Im pretty sure abusive. In June of this year I let my parents take my son on vacation out of state for two months because they are honestly the only babysitter/child care I have so I can work. I have struggled for years with bipolar depression and actually od in 2012 <mod edit - methods>. Surprisingly I woke up 2 days later in the hospital perfectly normal and not harmed at all. I swear if I ever had a kid I would be able to keep it together and not be suicidal but yet Im back where I was in 2012. Feeling hopeless. I figured when my son left for vacation I could get things together. Get back on track with work and going to the doctors for my mental health. Well unfortunately I miss alot of work due to being so depressed and not being able to get out of bed and having severe anxiety. I was late to my doctors appt by 5 mins to start getting back on medication when the doctor rescheduled bcuz of my lateness until October 5. Also while my son was gone I left his father bcuz I can no longer talk the verbal abuse and him always demanding sex from me. I was raped as a child so when u constantly demand sex or I feel thats all Im good for I become more depressed. When I left my husband I moved back into my parents house and started hanging out with one of my friends with benefits I call him that Ive known for 9 years. I am completely in love with him and feel like im a better person around him. However we have a rocky past. Back in the day he knew I was in love with him but didnt want a relationship. We have both grown up since then and both have children about the same age. However I to scared to express my feeling to him bcuz of the fear of rejection like the past. Anyways we started sleeping together and I found out I was pregnant by him. My son was due home in less then a week and I started fearing how to incorporate my son and my friends with benefits lives together. Instead of giving it a shot I ran back to my husband bcuz i didnt want to bring another man into my son life. I did tell my friends with benefits that I was pregnant and we agreed it would be best to terminate however we never really got to face to face talk about it and now I regret not talking to him before I made the decision. Everyone around me my husband, my parents, and some friends pretty much forced me to abort. I was under so much stress that I barely remember the events of that day it was almost like i was on auto pilot and now I hate myself. Because I had a chance to have a child by my first love and we never fully got to discuss our options. The abortion was 9/11/2015. Since then I have lost my job due to absents, my license was suspended for not keeping insurance up to date, my car was repo for late payments, I do not have a dollar to my name. I didnt even get to rest after my abortion as no one would watch my son for me. I am extremely anger and losing my sanity. I of course left my husband again bcuz he thinks since i dont have money or a car that he can control me more now since he has the money. He will help me out but only on the condition that I give him sex on demand. My parents are no help either. They have just left me to go on a cruise until sunday. They left me home with my two year old son with no car and no money. I feel like I cant even get another job bcuz I one have no child care and now I have no transportation. My parents and my husband always talk down on me like im a horrible mother when I know Im not. But after you hear it so many times you being to believe it. I dont sleep much at all or even eat. Im so depressed and angry that I feel like I am not a good mother bcuz i lose my patience alot faster now with my son and yell more and I hate it. Honestly all I want is a sort break to myself to figure things out. I really wish I could check myself into the mental hospital bcuz i need to be medicated and quick. But I cant do that bcuz i have no one to care for my son. But Im clearly losing it. I think about dying all the time and just giving up but I cant bcuz of my son. I cry all the time now bcuz I feel hopeless and have no help. I feel that eventually it will all become to much and I will just impulsively off myself. Ive stopped talking to friends and family. I feel like no one can or will help. Does anyone have any suggestions???? I'm in extreme need of some serious advice. Sorry this is so long but I think I got pretty much most of my problems out. Thanks in advance for any advice.