Here I am in the very early hours of Saturday morning, overwhelmed and unable to decide what to do. Suicide feels like the only option. I am successful at work, but my life is empty. My boyfriend (who I moved across the country for) does not see a future after more than a year. I am in his apartment after leaving a marriage plagued by financial control, physical and emotional violence and being separated from friends and family. I had you own place and was beginning to really stand on my own, but I fell head over heels in love with him. He is my world and I love him very much, but he does not want me, saying I am nothing good for and to him. I am the common thread--I have the anti-Midas touch. Everything I touch is ruined. I am currently friendless, near boyfriend-less and housing insecure (my name is not on the lease). I wish I could get a pet to have some kind of contact with a living creature, which I need so badly. My boyfriend doesn't touch me spontaneously and it makes me feel unloved and unwanted. Not a hand on my shoulder or anything, no matter how badly I am hurting. I know he is hurting too, but I try to comfort him, even if I am not successful. He says I am a nightmare and has withdrawn all affection for months. He struggles to get work and I work my ass off to keep our heads above water. I know that after 12-14 hour days, plus shopping and a long hunt for parking and carrying tons of groceries (need to purchase daily to keep up with the amount of wine he requires), I am exhausted and curt sometimes. He stays on the computer and ignores me. We got a kitten about two months ago and within a month he had to be euthanized because he was suffering greatly from a rare and incurable disease. I wish he had made it. I loved him so and he loved me back. That is the thing about having a pet it their standards are pretty low and they want attention as much as I want to connect with another living thing. I cannot get another as my boyfriend is not ready and I could be on the curb at any moment, which would not be fair to a pet. What I really want is a meaningful connection with my boyfriend, but he closed that door. I really am having a hard time hanging on. It feels like there is no longer a reason to be here. I know things will not always feel this awful and overwhelming, but I am worn out from struggling with depression for 30 years and I am an interpersonal failure. I don't know what more I can take.