Sinking Fast

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by PhoenixFailed, Oct 15, 2016.

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  1. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed Survivor of 2016, Fighter in 2017 Study Facilitator SF Supporter

    Here I am in the very early hours of Saturday morning, overwhelmed and unable to decide what to do. Suicide feels like the only option. I am successful at work, but my life is empty. My boyfriend (who I moved across the country for) does not see a future after more than a year. I am in his apartment after leaving a marriage plagued by financial control, physical and emotional violence and being separated from friends and family. I had you own place and was beginning to really stand on my own, but I fell head over heels in love with him. He is my world and I love him very much, but he does not want me, saying I am nothing good for and to him. I am the common thread--I have the anti-Midas touch. Everything I touch is ruined. I am currently friendless, near boyfriend-less and housing insecure (my name is not on the lease). I wish I could get a pet to have some kind of contact with a living creature, which I need so badly. My boyfriend doesn't touch me spontaneously and it makes me feel unloved and unwanted. Not a hand on my shoulder or anything, no matter how badly I am hurting. I know he is hurting too, but I try to comfort him, even if I am not successful. He says I am a nightmare and has withdrawn all affection for months. He struggles to get work and I work my ass off to keep our heads above water. I know that after 12-14 hour days, plus shopping and a long hunt for parking and carrying tons of groceries (need to purchase daily to keep up with the amount of wine he requires), I am exhausted and curt sometimes. He stays on the computer and ignores me. We got a kitten about two months ago and within a month he had to be euthanized because he was suffering greatly from a rare and incurable disease. I wish he had made it. I loved him so and he loved me back. That is the thing about having a pet it their standards are pretty low and they want attention as much as I want to connect with another living thing. I cannot get another as my boyfriend is not ready and I could be on the curb at any moment, which would not be fair to a pet.

    What I really want is a meaningful connection with my boyfriend, but he closed that door. I really am having a hard time hanging on. It feels like there is no longer a reason to be here. I know things will not always feel this awful and overwhelming, but I am worn out from struggling with depression for 30 years and I am an interpersonal failure. I don't know what more I can take.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the SF FAMILY and forum. Let me read and reply back. Bear with me. Just think someone in the world is feeling your pain and wants to comfort YOU. Just wait, YOU ARE NO OONGER ALONE, WE ARE HERE YOU IN YOUR TIME OF NEED. Let the tears roll down now as you cry to release the hurt you feel within. Don't worry now, I will reply back, I promise. I feel your tears and hurt.....
  3. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed Survivor of 2016, Fighter in 2017 Study Facilitator SF Supporter

    Thank you so much for your kindness! It is very much appreciated.
    Unknown_111 likes this.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am sorry to hear that you are hurting but if your boyfriend does not want a relationship. I know you feel all alone but you gave it all your best in try to keep the relationship alive. When he emotional talks to you, is it the drink talking or does he feel the same when he is sober.

    I understand all you want is love and compassion in return as you have given up a lot in moving across the country. I am glad you joined but remember we care. Your name is not on the lease but can you move away and he will have to provide the income to pay for the lease. Can you go back home to your family for a couple of days or a week until you can get yourself straight. At the moment, YOU ARE THE IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

    By you being away, your boyfriend may or may not realise how important you are. If not, you can learn from the experience as I understand your heart is in broken pieces but as you shared so much with him. But does it really mean it's worth doing the ultimate sacrifice. Every human who has faced such heartbreak like you finds the strength to heal the emotional scars. Yes, you are at an all time low but we here can help YOU to overcome this tough time.

    I understand that you feel like the floor has been removed from your feet now and all you see is darkness but please I implore you to fight as you can do it. Yes, you are hurting from the past and present but you are IMPORTANT AND NOT A FAILURE. You are hurting as that's understandable as you think you have no where to turn to but tomorrow is a new day and in time you know yourself you can do it.

    We can help you get through this tough time of your life, so please don't think you are alone. Please use the chat room, and speak to others who are feeling the same. You will learn to realise that their are others here in the same situation or similar feelings. We can support you and help you to move on hour by hour during this tough time.

    Please keep posting and reframe from any plans you are thinking about as WE CARE ABOUT YOU. Take care now please. I hope this post helps and makes you realise that there is someone in the world who is feeling your hurt and pain at the same time. A problem shared is a problem halved.
    PhoenixFailed and Thauoy like this.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Please read the other post. I hope that's helps more and makes you realise I REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU.

    A little smile, pretty please. :)
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  6. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed Survivor of 2016, Fighter in 2017 Study Facilitator SF Supporter

    Thank you again. If you read my other post, you know I cannot go home or to the place I lived the last 19 years. I am terrified and lonely, but grateful for the help here.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your welcome. You know now YOU ARE NOT ALONE. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
  8. troubledmind

    troubledmind Well-Known Member

    Hello!! I think you should stop buying him wine and cut the groceries down.. It will give you a little xtra income you can save to get your own place.. I wouldn't worry about him kicking you out seeings how you are paying for everything..I know it is hard to let go but sometimes that is the only choice you have..Been there and done that.. I also wouldn't let him talk you into takeing him back because nothing is going to change.. He will promise you the world..
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