Sinking Ship

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by uksteve, Jul 5, 2012.

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  1. uksteve

    uksteve New Member

    Hi there, i've posted once before a number of years ago and responses really helped me, I think a plateau like these forums make me feel more secure in divulging really personal information that I just cannot share with friends and family. I am 24, and have been with my first love since we were 18. We have had ups and downs like most couples, perhaps more than is healthy but we've always come out stronger than previous. After university I have struggled to find a job in the current climate (1.5 years to be precise) and as a result think I have become very emotionally dependent on my ex. I went round to hers yesterday and she told me she'd been unhappy for a while and wanted to split up, now we've split up in the past a number of times (always her decision) but have always gotten back together within a week. However this time she has made it clear she doesn't even want to be friends as she thinks I'll get the wrong idea. Call my silly, but I find it impossible to switch off an emotional connection that i've shared with this girl (my first relationship) everyday for the past 6/7 years. We've done everything together, been through so much and now to sit here and think that she is happy to block me out of her life and doesn't want to even know how I am doing makes me feel sick.

    Last night I had some support from family, and felt confident for an hour or so but as soon as I am alone I only think about the woman I love, my best friend and my soul mate. Utterly crushed I didn't sleep a wink and just looked through the box of memories i keep of everything we've been through together all night. All i hear from people is that it gets better bit by bit every day, but it will only be a matter of time before she finds someone else and whatever progress I will have made will just spiral out of control at the mere thought of her with another man. I've never even thought about another woman since I was 18, never been tempted, just been so incredibly happy with what I thought was true and perfect love. I struggle to see me ever picking myself up from this, and am finding myself looking at the most effective ways of suicide mere hours after i've been heartbroken.

    I'm not looking for divine answers that are going to change my life, I don't even know if any response will help me. I don't really know who I am reaching out to here. I want to believe that maybe she will take me back in a month, a year - but I know how ridiculous it is to try and wait for someone who clearly doesn't want to spend her live with me. So this leaves me to wonder, do I run infront of a train? Do i jump from a building? Do I go and beg her to take me back? I can't eat, I can't sleep, I love her so much.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I can offer you a cyberhug :hug:

    Break ups are difficult - we generally don't like to hurt others or to be hurt, and break ups are filled with that. It is a major loss when we split up from someone we have loved. Take time to grieve your loss. It hurts, she was important, you deserve to acknowledge to yourself that the world has changed and you will find a new path.

    The time after a break up is often a time of huge self-growth and discovery - even though we are still hurting. As you begin to feel better over the next while (few weeks or months), maybe you can think about some things you might like to do that you could not do because your former gf was not interested (e.g., I took trumpet lessons).

    You have been in long-term relationship, and the odds are in favor that you will be again. Perhaps this split is the doorway to a new friends and an even more satisfying bf/gf relationship. You sound like a very decent sort of fellow. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love her. *nods*

    Keep posting. Lots of others can relate to this too. I'm sure you'll find friends and people who understand. :hug:
     
  3. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel something very similar happened to me as well except she still talks to me from time to time. but I suffer from extremely high anxiety and panic attacks so often that the pain is pretty much unbearable. she knows this and tells me she does not want me to commit suicide because of her but I can not withstand the pain so I know it is just a matter of time. my breakup was 7 months ago. and every told me the same thing it will get better with time. well guess what the exact opposite happened it got worse with time. some of us are different more fragile whatever it is if we do not find the right person the first time around it kills us. honestly I have been through so much therapy meds galore coping methods and anything I could find to drag myself along. and nothing seems to work. I would suggest trying to do the same as I did. therapy meds coping methods try everything you can as fast as you can. then if it all fails no one will have the right to tell you not to kill yourself. because you did try it just did not work.
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can say I felt the same thing you did. I would swing up and down. It took me about 2 months before I managed to pull myself out of my funk. I always recommend working out. That will help you out a great deal. It will make you feel better and make you healthier. It will also make you want to eat. Trust me I did a few depression no-eating workouts. I basically raced to the nearest resturant afterwards.

    Also get rid of this box-o-memories that you have. Ask a family memeber to archive it and store it away for you. You do not have to destroy it or throw it out. Get it away from you for a while. If you have something there to remember her by then you will of course be depressed. So get that away from you and that should help with the depression.

    Finally, I want you to just sit back and think on this. Lets say in a year she comes back to you. In that time she might have been with other men. Through her experiences she has determined that you are the best choice. Now if you sit here and just hope she will take you back. How will you know if she is the best choice? You only have your experience with her to go by. How do you know that you won't meet someone else who will make her look like a total loser?

    I say operate on the assumption that she will not come back to you. Replace her and show her that she lost something great, AND that she is replaceable. I am sure if you find another girl you will be just fine and may even forget about this one.
     
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