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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Melmoth the Wanderer, Jul 13, 2008.

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  1. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Hello again. I haven't posted anything in a couple of months, mostly because I've felt too down to write coherently. I hope this is comprehensible. :unsure:

    Anyway, not much has happened. I have to be out of my apartment by August, and it's proving difficult to find another one in area I'm moving to. My parents' divorce is becoming more tense as they try to work out finances. My aunt is at death's door. So, not much new here.

    My sister got married. All the socializing exhausted me--my pesky social anxiety, I guess. After the rehearsal dinner, I seriously thought about suicide for the first time in months. It usually crosses my mind once or twice a day, but this time, I wanted to ask my father for his gun. Not the best plan, of course.

    The wedding reception made me feel worse. I saw how happy my sister is, how many good friends she has, how loving a husband she has, and I realized I would never have any of it. I realized I will always be alone, because I'm too terrified of people in general to ever make it past the occasional awkward friendship.

    Another reason I'll never have what my sister has is because I'm gay (or bisexual, with a stronger liking for women; not 100% sure). I simply don't want to be with a man, and therefore, I will never have the acceptance and social recognition my sister enjoys--this is the South, and everyone knows that even laws don't change attitudes down here. Slightly off-point: I did finally come out to my therapist. She's the only one who knows me personally that I have ever told. It was quite liberating, actually. I felt like a weight had been lifted when I told her, but a couple of days afterwards, I realized that I still have to live a lie for everyone else.

    To sum up, I feel like I'm sinking again. Last night especially, I felt this darkness welling up inside, threatening to whelm me completely. I don't care about anything anymore, even about finding a place to live. I've tried to do things, I've persued various avenues, but no one and nothing will give me a break. I'm tired of trying.

    Anyway, thanks for reading. I'll try to post and reply more often, if I can. :smile:
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    By posting your thoughts and feelings, it may of helped you feel abit more better about yourself and your circumstances.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    What part of the south are you from? I live in Florida and people here don't pay much attention to the fact that you are gay. My neice is gay and noone has a promblem with it. Her brother is funny . He told my sister damn she gets prettier women than he does.
    I think if you keep talking it will be beneficial to your mental health. If you can't talk to anyone at home then keep talking to us. We don't sit here and judge anyone. Feel free to open up because no one here knows who you are. It has opened me up because I don't talk to people here. But on the forum i guess you might say I won't shut up! Good Luck.
  4. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Thanks for both of your replies. Sorry I didn't answer back sooner.

    I live in North Carolina. Here, people aren't exactly intolerant, but they're not accepting either. Our state motto should be: "It's okay to be different, as long as you never talk about the fact and you make sure to act just like everyone else". Not the best motto, but you get my point?

    My aunt and uncle live in Florida, and I went there to visit a few years ago (in the middle of summer, so the weather wasn't the greatest, but oh, well). I'm glad to hear it's more tolerant and open there.

    It does help to talk and write about things; I just have to get back in the habit of doing so. It's much easier for me to shut down and withdraw from any kind of social interaction, but it's not better for me.
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Perhaps going into the chat on this forum will help you also.
    Also feel free to PM me anytime if you ever want to chat about anything or if something is bothering you.
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