Sitting here with a hand full right now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BlondRedHead, Jun 19, 2009.

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  1. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    Of tiny blue pills no larger then my pinkie nail. 1 will make me sleepy, 2 will make me sleep all night, 3 will get me really high and I'll sleep most of tomorrow, 5 or 6 and I wont wake up again. Funny the doctor gave me these to help me and they could kill me. Currently holding 32. So small, they don't even fill my hand. I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling everything. Because everything I feel is magnified x10 and when I try to talk about it I get deep sighs and eye rolls. I wonder how people can react that way. Like don't they realize what I'm saying to them? Rude reactions make me shut up. I want to stop being lonely when I'm out, angry during the day and sad at night. What's wrong with me?! Sometimes life gets overwhelming but tonight I'm cool. Tonight I just need to sleep. Tonight...

    I'm taking 2.
  2. pisces

    pisces New Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you're only taking 2.
    People just get frightened and dont understand and thats why they usually come out with a flippant answer or a funny look. I think sometimes people dont need to understand just listen because when its all bottled up inside the pressure builds it has to be released and just getting it out there can ease things a little sometimes.

    "Funny the doctor gave me these to help me and they could kill me."
    I was thinking the same when the doctor gave my brother a script for his but thank goodness he's allowing me to take charge of them for the now.
    Take care and stay safe,
  3. zerick

    zerick Member

    I'm also glad you are only taking two. I find people to be rather self absorbed when I talk about certain things also. maybe it is just them being scared. I'm just trying to figure it out myself. It is OK to feel something even it is not good. Without some of my lows I would not have been to some of my highs. Can I ask you a question...How does the medication affect your dreams?
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm glad you decided to take 2. Hope you have a good nights sleep :hug:
  5. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    I hate being bipolar. I hate that last night I felt so empty and lonesome and then today I feel fine. I feel good actually. That's why I never go all the way, never take that extra pill. Because tomorrow might be okay. What really sucks is that my emotions are so out of whack that as good as I feel right now, I'll forget later and sometime around midnight I'm going to start to freak out again. I am so thankful for this site. You guys are all awesome and I love you in a weird cyber world kind of way. Thank you for doing what my family can't, thank you for caring.
  6. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Glad you're feeling better today. Being bi-polar really does suck.
  7. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    I need to hide my pills. Took three last night... wonder if I am subcon trying to build an immunity of them or if something darker and deeper was in the back of mind.

    I don't want to do something stupid.
  8. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    You may be growing tolerance. Hopefully knowing that we care can hold you back. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.

  9. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: i'm glad you're only taking 2 :smile:
    things seem better when you've had some sleep so get some rest :)
    if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me any time :heart:
    triggs xx
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Put your pills somewhere that you do not have quite as easy of an access to them. Keep the prescribed dosage and no more. If you put them somewhere that builds in "think time" nothing will happen on impulse. It is a safety net for you. The delay may be all you need. Thank you for trusting us enough to post your thoughts. :hug:
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