Sitting here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Sep 9, 2008.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Well I took a load last time and i was in the hospital 4 nights. Then things looked up for a while. I was actually happy. I was buzzing. Hadn't felt like that in ages...years even. I found joy in my every day life. Now though... he ended it. Why... as while I was bad i was treating him badly. he had enough. he couldnt take it anymore. then he turned round and said to me he didnt love me anymore. We haven't been intimate with each other for ages. but that was me, I was pushing him away. They changed my meds and they worked. I was sleeping. That made me feel better. There was 2 weeks while I was happy. I not felt that in so long. I was supposed to be moving in with him. Then he tels me while I am packing up my stuff that! So now I am back to minus square 37. I have brought a load and I have popped them and I am sitting here looking at them. I feel so much worse than i ever have done before!
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Sounds like he gave up. What do you mean you have treated him badly? He obviously felt something for you or he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did. Maybe it just wasn't ment to be. Give him some time, if he wants to be with you he will come back!
    Right now just focus on being better, so if he does come back you will be doing so much better from all the hard work you have invested in!! Take Care And Stay Strong!!:chopper:!!
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So what do I do now. I have only taken about 8 pills which i know wont do anything. BUt I tried calling the dept that i see. I googled where to call but nothing. I need to see someone asap but i dont wanna go to the hospital!
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Try talking to the summaritons or call the help line to get a physical person to speak with!!
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't take anymore pills goldenpsyche. Your boyfriend is too selfish if he couldn't love you for who you are and give you the time you need to recover. Maybe you will find someone better? :hug:
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I didn't take anymore. I went to bed. I hate the way that this is making me feel. I haven't felt like this in a long time - well a month but that is a long time for me. And now I feel 10x worse than I have done. I am scarde as all the thoughts keep coming back and they scare me. When I feel like that I get anxiety attacks and my heart beats so fast and I can't breate properly. Yesterday I was having chest pains as of it.

    I have appointment at the hospital on Friday with the psychiatrist. She just wants to review the pills I am on. I am now on Mirtazapine. They did seem to be doing something. Maybe that is why I didn't go through with it last night.

    They are trying to say that I have emotionally unstable personality disorder, however, I don't agree. They want me to go to this group thing but there is no way I am doing group things. I don't think I have as apparantly for it to be a PD there needs to be some signs apparant in adolescence which there wasn't. And they were trying to relate it to things that it could be and I don't think that there is any specific factors that could be causing it. So they are putting me on waiting list for psychotherapy but they wont take you if you have done anything in terms of od of self harm as of the way it will initially make you feel. So I have been told I have to find counselling til then as I need it on a long term basis. The thing is most of the free or pay scale counselling is person centred and I can't be doing with that. I find it patronising as they sit there dont say anything or what they do say is just what you have said to them but rephrased or they just um and ahh at me. I need something more 2-way.

    I see the social worker in 2 weeks and he is the most useful. He can usually give me good advise on what to do and where to go. I tried ringing the dept last night that he works in as I thought is was 24hour and needed someone who knows my history to talk to, or someone who can get my notes. I dont really like the psychiatrist as she doesnt listen to me about what I think of the diagnosis. I have told the social worker what I think but she outranks him so not much that can be done there.

    I find men easier to talk to which is weird as you would have thought with me being female would be easier to talk to a female. I think a lot of it is as I am a very untrusting person and I can trust men more than females.

    I have managed to get this week off work, not sure whether is will be as holiday or sick. I am going to get a sick note from psychiatrist when I go see her incase I need to use it next week.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I find it interesting that he did this when you were feeling better...I know this stuff hurts, but I also know that time and caring helps heal the wounds...know you are very valuable here and that we care...big hugs, J
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Well I was supposed to be moving in with him. I have told him that I am been feeling low and feeling really bad. I've still got what I brought yesterday and I am considering taking them. They are there staring me in the face. I can't go on like this. It is a horrid feeling. I dont know what else i can say to him. I am scarde as i dont see any other future without him.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey GoldenPsych,
    Do me a favor and pick up the pills, go in the bathroom and flush them down the toilet. Having them that available you are only walking a thin line!!
    Try to keep posting here and also call the hotline! Atleast they will speak to you one on one. Can you call your therapist and tell them you are needing to get in early because you don't like the way you feel!
    We care for you and don't want to see you harm your self...Again please flush the pills!! Having them around is nothing but a temptation!! Take Care and Stay Safe!!:chopper:!!
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I did take some pills - about 26 from what I could work out. They wont do anything. I worked out what blood levels would be and is below treatment line so didn't go to hospital. I was sat there taking them and thought I wasn't going to give him the satifsaction of knowing that he caused it so I flushed them after. Feel fine now. A little bit nauseous but that is it. Taking today easy on the couch watching crap tv and may even watch a crap chick flick. It feels good knowing I managed to control it at least but bad that I did take quite a few and I let myself get to that stage.
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Update -

    Well still feeling down. I am so pissed off. I have to move in with my parents and I can't be doing with it. They stress me out so much. My Dad asks me to move back in, and I am not left with any other choice as of money etc. I have not moved in yet, I am tomorrow. He is moaning now about my stuff. I have not lived with them for about 2 years now and so I have more stuff than would just go in one room so I am having to use the garage to store a few things and he is moaning on about that. He gets in to moods for no reason and just makes it a pain to live with him. I really can't be doing with it. I have 2 interviews lined up. One tomorrow and another on the 1st. If I get one of these jobs I am going to move out asap. Depending on which job I take - 1 is £13k per year and the other £18k but the one for £13k is more suited to the career I want to go in to. So I am unsure of what to do should I be offered both. Also the lower paid one is about 30 miles from where I live but it is the exact environment I want my career in. It's not sales!!!! The higher paid one is. I have money problems 2.

    Then there is the issue with the bf. I saw him last Saturday and he told me he had been feeling really low all week which made me feel better - I know that sounds bitchy but it made me realise he has some feelings about the relationship and he isn't as cold hearted as I thought he was. I don't know what is going to happen with us. Part of me wants him and I love him so much and can't imagine my future without him at all and then there is the other part that knows things need to change and I get quite annoyed with him. I think a lot of it is the way I am feeling with things but who knows. I realised last saturday that it is not just the being in a relationship and having a partner that i wanted. It was him. So I know i need to do some hard work to win him back. I need him to see that I am making an effort to get on with my life. I need to try and get rid of some of this debt and I also need to be more healthy and lose some weight as this past year I have put on quite a lot. Since we met I put on about 4stone so I wan't to get rid of that and so he can have me back to how I was wen we met as I was a lot happier then.

    I know this probably isn't the best place to write about stuff and I am using it as more of a journal. There is some things you can't speak to your friends about - like how I have been feeling and I know on here someone will probably read it and I get answers to things I ask. It does help me to get my thoughts written down.

    I am going to see the social worker next week. I like going to see him as he gives me good advice. I can talk to him. However, I think that this will be the last appointment that I have now as they have made it clear that they can not do anything else from their dept as it is a short term thing. I think they usually see a person once and refer them on. I know I am lucky as they have put a lot of hours in to me.

    AT the moment my sleep has gone a bit weird again. I have not had any of my pills for a few days. I have not had chance to go pick up the prescription from the doc and also I can't afford it at the moment. I only have a couple of pounds left until Friday when I get paid and my car needs petrol! I think I am going to be asking my dad for some money. I am wide awake at night and can't get to sleep. The pills make me drousy so I can get off to sleep. I was up til 4.30am yesterday. It also means though I am not getting up til late. I have to work thursday, I was going to get signed off but i don't think I could bare being round my parents in the day time.

    If I can get some money tomorrow I will go get my pills as I have to go to work on Thursday so I will need to be in bed at a decent tme tomorrow night. It's like I've been taking something that is making everything speed up. I don't think I have ever typed so fast and all my thoughts are coming out as a great big blahhh!!!!

    If you have read this far and not got bored...well you must be weird.

    Going to try and get some sleep now as have to be up for interview tomorrow. At least it is over the phone so I don't have to make an effort. My last night in my flat...oh it's so sad!

    Night Night!
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