I'm sitting here on my chair, knife in hand just thinking. I'm pretty sure I want to do it, I mean I've been there many times in the past to the threshold of life and death so I don't fear death. Well thats not true I fear the cold embrace I always felt before that voice. What I fear is what I leave behind. Before this point I thought I had it all together and living a good life. I have a job, a car, a roof over my head (even though its living with parents until I'm financially sound) And a few very good friends. All that isn't enough sometimes. I get this feeling when I'm off my meds that I can never be enough for anyone ever. Thats why I've been abused in my past relationships, it kind of solidifies that all I'm good for is being a punching bag. I try to be a good person, I'm well groomed, polite, have a goofy personality but behind that is a tortured soul that hopes for happiness, true happiness which I know I'll never see. I want to be stopped, but I don't. I want to be shown what I could live for, but I know there is nothing. Forsaken love is all that is in store for my life. Spend and endure a lifetime of pain, with small hope of happiness or eternal damnation thats all it comes down to. I have a feeling that my guardian angel won't be here to help me this time, kinda like the three strike rule ya know.