Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Istril, Jul 9, 2009.

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  1. Istril

    Istril Member

    I don't know how this is gonna work out but here goes.

    I'm 25 and have suffered from depression since 18, I've contemplated suicide dozens of times during college, even though I was socially active, popular, and was one of the top students at my school.

    I lost touch with many close friends, and have never had more than my little brother for family, but he now has his own life, as do all of my friends. They are starting careers, thinking about family. I was an artist, and a modeler, I've been out of full-time work for close to 3 years, making by with odd jobs and living off my savings, now dwindling. I wanted to go back to school, but I cannot afford to, nor can I take the risk if I could.

    Isolated for almost 3 years, every day has been harder to make it through than the last, I work and study every day to keep my mind off my situation, but at the end of the day...

    In short, I don't believe I have any future left. I have given thought to taking my life, and aside from my brother, it would not affect anyone, and I would leave my savings to him. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, I haven't eaten or slept well these past weeks, the days always blur together.

    I cannot find any joy in painting or working anymore, losing confidence in my work daily only digs me deeper into this. I run 6 or more miles daily to the point of exhaustion, getting home and sleeping for hours afterward.

    I really cannot exist in this gray area anymore.
  2. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    Your brother will always need you no matter how old he is or whats happening in his life and i am sure it would hurt him bad to lose you. i dont mean to sound harsh or make this worse if it is.. maybe you could find away of going back to school? or maybe find something you really want to do?

    you need to eat and sleep it wont do you any good i can understand how hard it is sometimes

    i hope things starting looking up for you soon
    we all care here even if we dont know you too well
    stick with us x
  3. Istril

    Istril Member

    Thank you for the reply :).

    Though my brother does not need me, we haven't talked for a long time,he's living his own life, for better or worse.

    I believe the worst scenario for people is to be isolated, and I think a lot of the testimonies I've read here are about that. But isolation has no cure to me, a doctor can prescribe all the medication in the world, but if you go home and there's only you and not much else there, all the drugs in the world won't change that.

    Maybe writing will help, for me working helps, but this is another outlet. I see how low I've come and it's impossible to climb back up, I've gone from a 170 lbs. to 140 in less than a year, and feel wasting away.

    I'm sure people can relate, one day you feel 'normal' and then,whether it's an event or just out of the blue, maybe thinking about your situation, you sink lower than ever. It's literally like a giant weight has been put on your shoulders, I don't think many people understand that depression is just as physical as it is mental, having to 'carry' yourself through each day.
  4. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    You said you haven't talked with your brother for awhile. Maybe you should give him a call or go to his home. You might be surprised. You never know if you don't try.
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Your brother will always need you and want you in your life. I agree with the above post, try calling or visiting him. I'm sure he'd appreciate it more than you think and it will benefit you both! :hug:
  6. Istril

    Istril Member

    I left him a message, but he never responds, we've spent years just leaving each other sterile messages.

    I don't see the point of going on when there's no one left, it's not even necessary as the person who is closest related to you does not care.
  7. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you have to carry yourself through each day. Some days it's hard for me to even get out of bed. I also suffered from depression throughout college, even though I was a good student and had good friends. Now my friends have all graduated and moved on with their lives, while I'm stuck here without any plans or ambitions.

    I think you're right that being stuck in isolation makes things harder. When I come home, it's just me and my dogs. As difficult as I know it is, I think the best thing is just to force yourself to get out and interact with people. Maybe it would help if you were able to find a full-time job. Even if you don't enjoy the work, it would give you the opportunity to meet new people and might help you feel less isolated. Or maybe there's some way you could get financial aid to go back to school. You said you were popular in college, so I'm sure you can make new friends.

    I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. :hug:
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