Six years ago I made a decision

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by skipsonrecord, Aug 18, 2013.

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  1. skipsonrecord

    skipsonrecord New Member

    I decided I'd give myself a chance to feel better. I'd attempted suicide several times before, and it was made very apparent that my friends and family weren't there to support me. But I decided to give the world a chance, and if I still felt the same way by the time my bucket list was complete, I'd try to end it all again. I finished college, got into university and shut the world out. After three years of doing this at uni, I realised that I wasn't actually giving the world a chance at all. I was keeping everyone at arms length, and gradually clearing my bucket list. At the beginning of my final year I noticed I only had two things left to do on my bucket list: 1. Find happiness, and 2. Learn to love.

    I started to open up more to the people I considered as friends. None of them understood why I was depressed, and some of them actually cut me out of their lives over it. One of my friends attempted to help me through it. A fairly casual relationship grew out of this, and I started to feel a little hopeful, but after a couple of months he left me to get back with his 'one true love'.

    Now this was just one chance I'd taken. In my opinion, everything deserves at least a second chance. So I pulled myself together and got on with my finals. I finished my degree only to meet someone who changed my world completely. Maybe I wasn't ready to get back up again, maybe I was too vulnerable. I don't know. But this guy made me forget all about my suicidal feelings. Instead of lying in bed all day toying over ideas of suicide and self harm, I'd leap out of bed and head out into the world with a spring in my step, excited to next see him. He made me happy, and eventually I didn't need my anti-anxiety medication anymore to keep me alive.

    However, my circumstances changed, and I had to move away from him. He told me he'd wait for me, and made me promise not to move on whilst I was away. I promised, and since I left I have spent every waking moment trying to get back to him. This involved getting a job and finding somewhere to live. I have my first job interview in month on Tuesday, and I have spent the past two weeks preparing for it. Tonight he told me it was over. He's too tired of waiting now.

    I can't go to this interview. The only reason I wanted this job was so that I could get back to him. Now there's no 'him' to get back to. Universities over, my bucket list complete, and I still haven't found the reason I was looking for to carry on. I just want to end it all.
     
  2. IceStorm

    IceStorm Active Member

    I think the first person you need to learn to love is yourself. I don't think we can really live our lives for someone else. There were things you felt good about when you were with him. I would think that some of these things were things about you. You sound like you achieved a lot in this time. Go to the interview for you. Ask for the support you need. I believe you can find that reason to live.
     
  3. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    I agree with IceStorm. Also if it happened once it can happen again. You sound like an amazing person that can do what you set out to do.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    who knows hun maybe this job interview will be a new connection one that will bring you someone even more connected to who you are go to interview ok give yourself a chance you deserve that
     
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