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six yrs old

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#1
i was just six yrs old. i was so depressed. i was being beaten on nearly a daily basis. i had been raped by a person in a position of trust and couldn't tell anyone. i had also been told i was adopted. i wasn't really a part of this family i was in, and wasn't allowed to discuss it.

i was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. i went walking into my parents room one day and sadness filling my soul. i was a nosy little shit and just pointlessly snooping around their room. i looked under their bed and found a gun. i stood up at that point and decided i wanted to die. i couldn't help but feel deep down inside that this was just how my life was going to be. i got back under the bed and pulled the gun out. i recall i had to assemble the butt to the gun and figured that out. it was a rifle or a shotgun i can't quite recall, but i knew it was too long to point at my head and get a shot off. so i tried pointing it to my chest and i realized i couldn't pull the trigger still so i got something and resolved that issue. then the hunt was on for the bullets. i went through everything in their room that day and never did find them. so with tears pouring down my face so sad that i had to continue on i put the gun away just as i had found it. no one ever was the wiser.

to this day i still have to say i consider my solution wise. i have acted on it two times sinse then, considering the third now. sometimes i wish i had found those bullets that day, but then again what would it have been if i had.
 

theleastofthese

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
NO NO NO, I'm glad you didn't find the bullets that day so long ago. No no no, please don't try it again, please. Please promise me you won't leave me unbearably sorry that I couldn't prevent your death. PLEASE don't do it! Please please please. I'm begging you. I couldln't handle any more loss - not of my sanity, strength, or the loss of any of my friends. Please don't hurt yourself, please??

lots of love and hope,

least
 
A

anotherFailure

#3
sometimes i wish i had found those bullets that day, but then again what would it have been if i had.
<mod edit: bunny against the rules> I wish I had gone through with my very first attempt.

I wonder how many of us were suicidal as kids? I became suicidal at around 8 or 9.
 
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immure

Account Closed
#5
(((((rhino)))))) as i hold u i lift the weight of the world for the moment it takes for u to breath in and fill ur soul with the life u so desperately crave to feel . u then look towards my sould and i know it is time to set the weight of ur world back on ur shoulders but u smile at me and tell me how its not so heavy now.(((((rhino)))))
 
T

thecleric

#8
I wish I had gone through with my very first attempt.

I wonder how many of us were suicidal as kids? I became suicidal at around 8 or 9.
Me too. Still here 30 years later. Hard to say if it's better than the alternative, since you only get to experience one option.
 
A

anotherFailure

#9
I think the alternative would've been a lot better than this for us... I'm speaking to the people who have been depressed since they were little of course.

I mean God forbid we killed ourselves when we were young and had to miss out on all this great constant pain to date :ohmy: . People say they live life for the joy, but if ur like me and haven't ever felt this so called joy EVER (just lived as long as you've had because of a hope that you might be able too feel this joy one day)... well i say screw it!!! I don't know about any of you, but I'm very tired of hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

But on a lighter note....

<------------------------------- LOOK AT THE KITTY (RAWR) :biggrin:
 
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#10
i'm with ya 'another failure' i guess i don't understand why people want others to live in such misery. it's been 30 yrs for me too 'thecleric'. it's been a really long 30 yrs.
 
#13
I started being slightly suicidal when I was about 10/11 years old, though I don't really remember if I was really serious then. I remember talking about it with some girl from my class (one of the few that was nice to me) but I have pushed all the memories of primary school so far away that I don't really know anymore if I was really serious then. I might just have been, I just didn't have the guts to really do anything - or the knowledge.
It wasn't until I was 13, or 14, something amidst that, when I started cutting and getting really suicidal thoughts. I've never attempted, though, because I both didn't have the guts and did have a dream. I still have. Sometimes it's all that keeps me going.

And I know that once I've lived that dream, I'll kill myself after all. It'll be the perfect end.

I'm glad you never really killed yourself, though, rhino. It might sound stupid from a cutter and all, but there are lots of wonderful things in life. You should enjoy those, too. Sure, overall life/people/things/etcetera can be fucked up and just way too much, but at the moments they don't weigh so heavy, try to enjoy all the beautiful things. There's always time enough to feel bad, try to cherish the moments you don't.
<33
 
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