Skeletons in the Closet

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by binah, Nov 25, 2007.

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  1. binah

    binah Guest

    You ever see that eddie murphy stand-up about how he can't stand quiet, salad-eating bitches?? How shy girls freak him out because they move somewhere new and suddenly they become "shy" because if they open their mouths some skeletons will fall out, like 'oh, excuse me,' *belch* out flies a bat.

    Well he is not entirely wrong!!! I am in a relationship now with somebody that I adore...I mean I am totally in love with this guy but when it comes to my sexual history I remain pretty much silent (all I have said is that I've had 3 boyfriends, which is true, 3 boyfriends that have lasted over a month that is...).

    I am a smart, pretty girl in her early 20s who can get along with just about anyone. I make friends mostly with guys and I find myself around them a lot, I have friends that provide support, I didn't need or want a steady relationship because it was too much work. Plus I was high as shit on meth for about 2 years, running around and going crazy which is when most of this 'whoreing' or whatever you want to call it happened. What is the harm, I said to myself, in being sexually free when not in a relationship. Why can guys do it and not girls. I was sick of dating and all that BS, I just wanted to cut to the chase and sleep with whoever I had chemistry with, instead of wasting time getting to know them when there is always that danger that they only wanted the sex all along.

    To be totally honest I've been with somewhere between 50-60 people, men and women. I've had 3-some's, I've had one night stands, I've had asian, black, white, hispanic, indian, greek, french, you get the point here. I didn't really have boundaries back then. And I wouldn't feel ashamed about it except that my boy has only been with 5 people, including me. He is the best I have ever had, but I've got to say that if I didn't have the experience that I do, I wouldn't know the difference and I probably wouldn't know how to make myself orgasm during sex/make it really good for him. So it's a mixed blessing, he's my prince charming but I can never really tell him the extent of my sexual endeavors. He also has no clue about the meth I used to do, but that one is easier to hide. I am just so afraid that one day he will find out and think of me as a liar or a dirty bad person. I have absolutely no STD's and honestly no regrets or bad feelings about myself, just weirdness with regard to his personal feelings on sex and how people should act (he thinks that people should be in love before they have sex).

    Here's the really tricky part- We've been together for 6 months, been friends for about a year, and he hasn't met hardly any of my friends. A lot of my guy friends I've slept with, or they have mutual friends who I've slept with, so they know how freaky I used to be. I mean really, it's bad... how can I ask my friends to be silent about what they know about my history when I'm still going to be scared the whole time that they will say something by accident....

    Do you think I should tell him, maybe gradually, that I've had casual encounters?? So far I've just been silent, telling him that I don't like talking about it because it doesn't have to do with us, and I wouldn't want him telling me about his ex's. He doesn't pump me for information, I know he assumes that I've been with a limited number of people. Its a part of my past that I don't regret, but that I feel weird sharing with people because they assume bad things about you, that you are a slut, don't like yourself, have diseases, get used for sex, have worn-out genital anatomy (none of these are true). Being with that many people has given me perspective, let me get to know a lot of people in a short period of time, and made me a great lover. Seriously the only problem is what he would think about it.

    What exactly do you think he has a right to know? When should I tell him? I'm so scared that somebody will say to him even in the far off future, oh yeah she used to be wild, or hey (my name) remember when you were with so-and -so--oh, whoops!, in front of him someday, or even that he will meet somebody from our hometown who has been with me, and they will find out that he is dating me and tell him that they have slept with me, I mean what a horrible way to find out about your girlfriend's past, through somebody who had her for a one night stand.....

  2. binah

    binah Guest

    This post needs to be moved, I just realized that it should be in the relationship forum and not the suicide forum....whoops
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Tell him, but prepare him beforehand. Maybe ask him something like, "Would you want to know if your girlfriend had something of a sordid past if you knew for a fact that she had put that life behind her and moved on?"

    If he says "no", then you need to decide if you can live with not telling him, or if you need the closeness that telling him will provide. I personally would not be comfortale in a relationship if I could not be honest about myself and my past. It may take time for him to accept, but I think that if he truly loves you he will come around. Remember, if he doesn't know these things about you, then the person he loves is only the person he THINKS you are. Your past made you who you are, the person he fell in love with.

    Also, I think that the fact you were on meth will cushion the blow somewhat. :)
  4. binah

    binah Guest


    I know that the drugs can be seen from the outside as an excuse for promiscuous behavior, especially and particularly speed. But on the other hand, it's kind of a double-whammy when I tell him- oh I was a slut for a couple years, but hey it's only because I was high on speed the whole time!! Now the being on speed part would be easier to conceal from him because nobody I could introduce him to really knows the extent of my former problem in that area... oddly enough I'd rather he know every single sexual encounter I had than know I was addicted for 2 years. That's probably crazy...

    I think I might wait awhile and feel it out, hopefully I can cushion it appropriately but I don't really see any way around making it seem not as bad as it was, like "yeah I used to think casual sex wasn't that big of a deal; I had some experience with one night stands for this one period between boyfriends" to start off. then as it becomes more easy to talk about maybe I could share more...maybe about the drugs. But I am totally hiding this part of my life from him and you're right that he loves the person he thinks I am but who I am is the result of who I have been.

    BOLIAO Guest

    Dear Binah,

    Ignorance is bliss.

    Do not tell him about your past. I made a very big mistake about asking my GF about her past and it has haunted me ever since and made me feel very insecure. It made me very suspicious of every little thing she does and I'm worried at all times. I love her very much and have to accept her past. It's very very very difficult. Please don't ruin the relationship by telling him. If you truly love him, from now onwards, you must change and refrain from those activities. Remain faithful and loyal to him and I'm sure he will love you the same. It is the current relationship that matters and not your past or his past. I've always stressed on the Truth and that the Truth will set you free. But I also realised that ignorance is bliss and that curiosity will kill the cat. Remember, we are all only humans and bound to make mistakes but past is past. Ask God for forgiveness and he will forgive you.

  6. 13acresofhell

    13acresofhell Member

    It’s a tough situation for sure. If you think he will certainly find out about your past, you may want to tell him ASAP. I have to say though, that’s a very risky course of action. If he knows nothing about it, it may put him off. I think telling him will seriously put your relationship at risk. If he loves you he will eventually come back, but not with out a lot of anguish. The way I see it is, if all of that is in your past, then leave it there. You have this relationship to look forward to and don’t let your past ruin that.

    I mean, you shouldn’t be ashamed, but I think you should gauge both what you want, and his tolerances. If you can live with the lies then you are golden. If you can’t, then you should be planning both a confession and a way out.
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    It's a risk, but I can see why he loves you. You have a great sense of humor and seem to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm a chick, but if it were me, I would tell him about the drugs first (you're obviously clean, so no big deal) and then break it to him about the sex. I think you will feel much closer to him as a result and it could actually enhance your relationship. You may be right about waiting, or telling him in smaller increments. I have a guilty personality so I am inclined to spill my guts :) If you want to tell him slowly, I would start with the drugs, because guys tend to flip out about sex. Then you can tell him about the sex later and it will put your sexual past into a better context for him, letting him know that your whole life has changed since then. You will feel so much better once you get this off your chest, and you also deserve a man who will accept you for not only who you are now, but for who you have been. Remember, the person he loves now is a direct result of the person you once were, and you deserve to be able to tell him about your past. Honesty in a relationship is a real blessing and a great feeling. You deserve to have that comfort and so does he. Good luck :)
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