So I'm studying for a midterm...listening to music during a break, and it hit me, er slapped me. Well several things did, but I'll just put a few. I started hurting myself again, <mod edit NyJmpMaster method of sh>, but works just as well in digging into my skin until I bleed, not too much, not too little, just right. Enough to feel the pain, and not feel so numb, so helpless when I want to break down. I don't have that same urgency that I used to eight months ago, which was when I stopped. Hell, I don't feel too bad for hopping off the wagon, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon because well, it's a <mod edit>. Really. I can hide it from people pretty easily, and it's such a relief to have something again. Something to help me keep together while I get over being so homesick and needy. Because I am, still, even though I feel better since I started again. I'm homesick for my family and friends, especially for a friend who was becoming like the brother I never had, offering to be there for me and not give up on me even on the worst of days. But see, telling that to someone like me, screwy and just screwy was bad. Just bad. Because I am just so fucked up, even on a good day I know that I can sink down into my past and always, always at the back of my mind is the fact that I know how my life will end. Why else would I be here? The people who know me best don't even know how...settled it is for me, that I will kill myself one day, once I've had enough. Once I'm sure my family is taken care of, financially at least, which means I have to stick around for a couple of years. Then all I have to do is distance myself, cut off contact and end it. I can't enjoy life. I'm sickened by myself, by my own longing to go back home and throw myself at my family/friends, and just breakdown. Because I need them, because I miss them, but I know how destructive it can be, to need someone, to want to lean on someone, EVEN if they offered, even if they said they'd be there...because they're only human and have their own life to lead. So, even now. I backed off from them a bit, more so from one of the people I trusted the most, by telling him talking to him made me even more homesick. And you know what he said? He said he'd be there when I needed him, and at that, I just shook my head and typed down that he had done enough. Because he had. To be completely honest, he was very patient with me during the course of our friendship, took more care with me than he did with others, and yet, I still can't believe him, or anyone who would tell me they would never walk away, they would never betray me or hurt me, which I know is a result from my past. I know, and yet I still believe I'm right to not believe in them. I guess tonight is about me finally accepting that only the gods can truly be there for you, because duh, they're gods. Everyone else is human and in my experience, I can never truly feel safe with anyone. Maybe a small part of me, maybe a major part of me, but completely? No. Not with my best friend, not with other friends, not with family. Because I'm fucked up. Because I am mentally and emotionally unstable. Because one day I will kill myself. I only feel safe in the darkness, hurting myself stabilizes me, being alone gives me some comfort because it means I'm not burdening someone else though I want someone there, just there. Sitting next to me, or even just to let me put my head on their shoulder for five minutes. Oh yeah, I do sorta miss that, physical contact. I used to despise it, but over the months grew to like it when it came from the right people, hugs and in my friend's case, leaning on his shoulder or arm for a minute or two just to get some rest. I'm alone. I'm off the wagon, and I am willingly (maybe stupidly) putting distance from people that supported me, accepted me. But I'd rather remain far knowing they're better off, than near any worrying, and thinking, an loathing myself for being a burden, for being weak and pathetic, so much that I do the things I do. I forgot what it was like to be alone. Now I think a lot more to myself, now I see things I never did...and I'm going to do what I have to do to pull myself through this. To live, to not curl up and die until I've played my part.