Sometimes I really want to vent about things to another human being, but there are really only two people that I can talk too in person or over the phone. My parents are utterly jaded, and totally focused on the practical. Get job, keep job, have money, and so on, with some vague notion that there will be a long term pay off. The other, well apparently I shouldn't communicate with her, but i'd be lost without that contact. She's on the same page. I want her back badly, but I know that won't happen. In truth, there are more people I could contact, but why spread the damage even further, and alienate a bunch of other people? Nobody likes hearing bad news, nobody likes hearing the negative, so I deal with it internally and I can get utterly bogged down in it. I know what I want to do, but I continue to take the safe option, and it's really starting to piss me off. Getting to the point where I'll make a series of rash, stupid decisions just so it feels like progress in the right direction. Professionally and personally, my life could not be more of a lost cause at this point. Thinking about it, im absolutely stunned that I haven't topped myself yet, but im starting to think its the honorable option. I've compromised myself too much. I've become an embarrassment to myself, my friends, my family and society at large. At least if I was struggling to do what I wanted to do I wouldn't find it so fucking detrimental to any sense of ego I have left, any sense of pride. Might not be able to pay the bills, probably continue to live like a pauper (over that), but at least id be working on something I care about. I'm sick of playing it safe. It keeps your head above water, but as a reward, sucks the life out of you.