I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I just don't know who to talk to about it without getting thrown back in the hospital. I don't tell people so.. I have taken large doses of Ambien multiple times over the past year. Not a number that I thought would kill me but enough that I thought it *might*. Like leaving it open to chance. I took enough (about 70 mg) that I was hullucinating extremely, have a black out of hours I don't remember where I wasn't asleep (I could see evidence that I did things I don't remember), and then fell asleep while vomitting multiple times. I even passed out and hit the floor hard when I came to and realized I would be sick. But I continued to do it anyways. I don't even know why. And.. I really want to do it again but take more. Test the boundary I guess and hope maybe it will kill me.. on accident. I have been having this urge for about a week now and I am becoming increasingly anxious over it. I can't throw out the pills though. It is like it is my out. And I need to have that out. I don't even know why I am writing this I just feel horrible and don't want to be a druggy or something. I already have enough on my plate hurting my self esteem. Seriously.