Sleeping with my gun tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by quigbrew, Dec 11, 2009.

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  1. quigbrew

    quigbrew New Member

    I know it sounds weird, but that's my friend tonight, and no, I don't have the nerve to use it, but I want to.

    The only thing holding me back is that I don't want to hurt my mom or my siblings. I love my family dearly, and I cry just thinking about what they would go through if I went ahead with it. Part of me thinks it's unfair that I'm being held hostage by my family's love for me, even though in my mind, they're being selfish for stopping me from being miserable. Their potential pain and suffering is the only reason I'm still alive.

    I'm a diehard conservative and always will be. It pisses me off to no end that I can't find a job and be successful in my life. I dropped out of college because I got diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and I was forced to move home because I felt so shitty. I've been out of work for 4 months now, and the only thing keeping me afloat is the occasional check from my mom, it goes against everything I believe.

    My sister has undergone 3 separate surgeries for a multitude of brain tumors, and she's still struggling through life. Me, on the other hand, am in perfectly good health except for this stupid thyroid deal. I'm so embarrassed that my sister is stronger than me.

    I'm 31 years old, living off of my mom, incapable of finding a job, and lately suffering from severe depression, but who knows if it's from my thyroid. I often wish there were a way to be purposely bitten by a venomous snake or spider and just die with dignity and without letting my family know it was a suicide.

    I'll leave with a poem(ish) I wrote a couple years ago.

    I’m tired
    I’m tired of me, myself and I. I’m tired of pretending I’m not who I am. I’m tired of not making new friends and abandoning my old friends. I’m tired of pretending like this doesn’t affect me. I’m tired of not being able to express my real opinion. I’m tired of going out to a bar and getting obliterated in order to attempt to feel normal. I’m tired of disappointing the people that mean the most to me. I’m tired of disappointing myself. I’m tired of feeling I’m not “like the other boys.” I’m tired of thinking I’m abnormal. I’m tired of thinking I’m a failure. I’m tired of being told I’m not realizing my full potential. I’m tired of picking fights in order to mask my self confidence. I’m tired of picking fights with myself. I’m tired of regretting my life. I’m tired of worrying what other people think of me. I’m tired of worrying what I think of myself. I’m tired of my own failure. And above all I’m tired of my own mind always berating me.
    I’m tired of being me.
    I just want to stop being tired.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes me too tired but we have to go on for our family it is their love that will pull us through this. Have you had your thyroid tested both my sister and twin thyroid was off and this can cause sever depression. I hope you have therapist to talk to as it help being able to open up to someone not in the family. Have you tried new antidepressants they take edge of the pain and loneliness. How about getting rid of your tool of choice giving it to someone to lock up so it can't be used to harm you or others as in a bad state one should not have a gun in hand. Give it to someone so everyone can be safe. take care.
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    A thyroid problem can bring you down, make you feel shitty, tired even exausted...but it can be helped with medication...has your doctor prescribed some?

    As for still living with your mom, there's no shame in that...I moved out of the nest when I was 16 and today(I'm turning 27) I wouldnt mind living in an appartment with my mom, if I had the money...Living alone is making me even more depressed than I've ever been and I know it...although it does have some perks to being on your own, in your things and doing what ever you want...still...

    I can understand your frustration about work...I can't work a normal job because of what I have and so it was very upseting to me because we live in a world where your define by what you do...and since I'm not doing anything well people kind of look down on I'm bad in some way...that's part of why I hate meeting new people because that is one of the first question they ask...technically I do work but I can't live off my earnings so...

    anyways sorry for rambling...take your time figuring stuff out, there's no rush...take it one step at a time, or one thing at a time...slowly but surely things will get better...
  4. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Your gun is no friend.
    You are right to stay alive for sake of your family because they would never get over it and would blame themselves.
    You are setting yourself impossible goals.
    Putting pressure on yourself.
    Give yourself a chance and enjoy yourself for a change.
    And make it a habit to do things you enjoy.
    Put your gun away and listen to the birds sing.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You really should give your gun to someone to lock up.. I gave mine to my brother because I was sitting on my bed with it held to my head with my finger on the trigger.. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of what it would do to my daughter and grandaughter..As far as snake bites go.. They are very painfull and the longer you go with no help the worst the pain..You should see a therapist to help you learn coping skills..If moving back in with mom is what you need to do then do it.. There is nothing to be ashamed of..Hell I am 52 and live with my sister..I know I would never make it on my own.. Think about it o.k.
  6. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    what if you have no family? no friends? no nothing and a mountain of bills?
  7. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    That is quite different from case here and each individual merits individual consideration but guns are not for sleeping with in any case.
  8. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    You really need to keep searching for that job, it will enable you to not live off your mom, possibly under the same roof albeit you'll be able to help her out financially in the house. You have a family, I really emphasise on family alot, its so important for recovery. And getting a job should only be the first step, the catalyst.
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