Sleepless nights

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by OCDNihilism, Jul 9, 2016.

  1. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    I am straight male, so I was here just thinking if maybe there isn't anyone out there who like me, would enter on a almost state of panic to start a conversation with another person one simply just don't know, has lost the ability to have a fruitful conversation and is as natural and spontaneous as I am not. If you think you need someone tonight to embrace you virtually or even spiritually for you to have a calm night of sleep like me, well, just say something and let's imagine ourselves in a bed, almost like lovers who have yet to be declare themselves, but each presence brings something of the tranquil and vibrant heart.

    Sorry if I took it to far, but I need someone if you need one too.
     
  2. Charlotte918

    Charlotte918 Member

    You have a beautiful soul. Never apologize for being to share it.
     
  3. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Sorry to disappoint you or show up as ungratefull for the compliment and encouragment, but I am not a beautiful soul. We all have our dark sides and such, but I am just a faded person, even what should be colorful is always like an old watercolor painting without defining traits, a melancholy of color... I like to think I write poeticaly, but not sure if it just comes out as pathetic. I have no strenght to be anything that stands and can be admired, maybe an old fallen statue. Sorry, thank you for you message, it made me at least reconsider somethings, sometimes the only thing we need is the right stimulu.
     
  4. Charlotte918

    Charlotte918 Member

    Allow me to rephrase: your words reflect something that reminds me of beauty and sparks a warm joy in my heart. You may feel faded, but it is not a feeling I share when I read your post. Do you have a blog?
     
  5. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Well, thank you, for a rare exception I can make a connection with the meaning of your words with the embodiment of your picture in my imagination. In other words, it's like a balm that I was capable of such connection. Call it empathy I guess.
    I used to believe in the power of a muse of some kind, in different times when I was another person in another kind of realm, but I became so detached or opressed in a moment of my life that I am now simply a buried kingdom that might show itself from time to time, when the winds clear the sand and something might glow in a distance, but I am unreachable, for now.

    I don't have a blog, I am extremely dull most of the time, only sometimes I can enjoy what I am or think I am. This might be the closest to it. Maybe in the future I may find strenght of will and power of mind to write something for this world, or something like that, right now I must be underground..

    I will not lie, I am still a target for kind words, I am a lonely needy guy who might almost be sounding like I am getting to closer. Sorry for that.

    Insecurity is my insignia. Maybe I should ask you about your story, if you may feel you should?
     
  6. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Sorry for all the typos or something, I don't like to revise my stupid things.. :)
     
  7. Charlotte918

    Charlotte918 Member

    I live in the desert on top of a buried kingdom. It seems I have a natural attraction to that energy. I used to try to fix people, mistaking that attraction for a calling. Now I understand that it is a reminder of strength and of life's uncanny ability to thrive in seemingly inhospitable environments. My spiritual garden was bulldozed and I've had to replant every little bit, drawing on scant resources to coax out the blooms. I lost almost everything that I thought was meaningful in my life, and at times that feels unbearable. The thing I found about loss is that it is simply life's way of making room for new and possibly better things. My ego had grown so much that I thought I could direct and control this process. I still try to direct it, but my approach now includes awe and gratitude for a thing I cannot understand and struggle to describe. I could feel angry and place blame for these losses and sometimes I do, but I also appreciate the gift of insight. My story has become for me a series of facts to which I can choose a positive or negative value. I was running a corporation, building my wealth, dating a wealthy man who loved me deeply and had been a friend for years before he was a lover. I owned a house, drove a nice car, had income property, and was feeling pretty good about myself. Well, my ego insisted it was good. My "self" was slowly dying. Years of unattended depression and anxiety were building pressure under the stress of my work. I drank, gambling that alcohol would fix my problems just enough so that I could manage them. I denied who I was and felt guilty for sleeping with other people. My actions hurt the man I loved. Right around the time I was beginning to think I could live a life where I wasn't miserable all the time, I found out I was pregnant. I had an abortion. Three days later, on my birthday, the man that I loved died unexpectedly in his sleep. They found him in his bed two days later. He was 32. The day of his funeral was the last day I drank, and my decision point. Find a way through the pain or give up. I found a way through. The losses continued until my life was reduced to a 10 by 12 foot storage unit, my kids, one of my dogs, and my car. As the most painful loss fades into the past, it is tempting to return to my familiar thought patterns that did nothing to serve me. That's why I'm here. My work is not finished on this planet and I am humble enough (finally) to realize that I do not get to call that shot. I can't do it alone though. No one can. It's a paradox. What you need to heal is inside you, but it takes other people to show you that. It's what makes us human.