I came across this site a few months ago while doing an assignment on suicide and just recently it came to mind again. I'm not really that good at expressing thoughts well and my english isn't that outstanding either but if it's alright I'd just like to be selfish for a while and talk. I've never really kept a diary or written anything deeply personal down so if it gets a little boring I apologize, don't feel bad about closing the page. It's just that recently I feel so...tired. I'm only 18 but it feels like I've seen enough. I read a post just a few minutes ago, I'm sorry I don't remember who said it, but they said they just wanted to 'sleep'. That's how I feel. I don't have any interest in things I used to love doing, the future just seems so uneventful and monotonous, like today is yesterday and tomorrow never comes. At the same time I know there are people that have it far worse and it's an awful thing to be complaining now. It just feels so hopeless and I can't figure out why. I mean, I think I'm an average guy, I've had girlfriends before, I haven't had sex yet but it's not something I worry about. It feels a little like I'm walking in the shadow of my brother sometimes, who's far more social and outgoing than I am, but I have my own friends and I'm comfortable with them. To be honest, my best friend is female and she always says things like "I want to know how you're feeling" but we're getting older now and it feels like she's maturing whereas I'm standing still. It's like...life is some road I'm walking down and I'd just like to take a break and rest on the side for a little while. I apologize for how long this is going on for, I didn't think it would be this much of a ramble. I'm just so sad all the time and I can't find a reason for it and I just wanted to tell someone else how I feel. Normally I'd talk to my friend about these things but it's all I talk about lately and even if she doesn't say so I know she must be getting tired of it. Sometimes I wonder if it's a chemical imbalance that'll always be there, people are always saying that medication never works and they feel as crummy taking it as they did without. I don't know, I don't want to commit suicide because it would hurt some people and the thought of oblivion frightens me a little. It isn't that I don't like life, I do, it just...depresses me a lot sometimes. A few nights ago my friend said something like(I don't remember the words exactly) "everyone feels like that, I feel like that sometimes, I just don't talk about it. Whenever something good happens I'm all happy and stuff, like now that that idiot finally called(boyfriend) I'm great, but when the good stuff leaves that feeling is what's left. Who knows, maybe it'll always be there, you can't worry about it too much, weirdo." Is it strange that I have so much difficulty with this? I just want to lie down and say I'm going to take a nap for a while and forget everything and wake up and feel like everything says I'm supposed to. I think a really sad, tired sigh pretty much sums up the way I feel more often than not these days. Anyway, if you made it this far thanks much for reading, I know it's long and pretty boring. I read a few posts before making this one and there are some good people here. It's nice to see people helping eachother out and know that there are some good ones left in a world that's pretty much gone crazy over the last few centuries.