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Slippery slope?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Lisani, Nov 21, 2011.

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  1. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    I have a few suicide attempts in my past, either five or six, I can't recall correctly anymore - but the point is this, after having made one, or several, do you find yourself more predisposed to jump to the ultimate conclusion?

    I'd wager many of us suffer from black and white thinking; so, when the world doesn't feel so white, it's all black, and we might as well throw in the towel. Ugh, sorry if I'm not making a lot of sense, I know that likelihood of additional attempts increases with the number of attempts already transpired, my real question is this:

    For those of us who try time and again to find that escape, do we value life less or just have a lower threshold than the common denominator? Sure, some attempts are purely attention-seeking, and I have been down that road; I've also transversed it's more serious track pretty thoroughly.

    Maybe I've just fried what little brain cells I had on those five -or six- attempts. We all want meaning, and nothing and no one can definitively provide it... why do we torture ourselves in the pursuit? Maybe that's why I want out so often, but who knows.

    I still didn't ask a real question, so I'll offer this: If you've tried, especially if you've tried multiple times, do you think you're always going to slip quickly into that mindset whenever you're distressed?

    Why didn't I come with a reset button?

  2. Dionaise

    Dionaise Member

    I cant speak for others, but yes, I think that after my attempts, I seem more

    inclined to jump to that ultimate conclusion. I'll admit that whenever I'm feeling

    down, or stuffs going down, I tend to at least consider it seriously. Frankly, that

    scares the hell out of me, as it seems I can be really good, but literally in less

    than an hour, I can be on that dangerous threshold of contemplation. I too

    wonder much of what youve said, and also wonder if it makes us a little more

    immune to the situation. What i mean by this is that we make more serious

    attempts or consider a lot more, perhaps by making plans. Its hard to say

    with these things
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    As twisted as I know it sounds, the more attempts I've made, the more I think of it as my "escape hatch". I've been in therapy for years, and I've tried to change my thinking, but I think that if I didn't have that option, I would feel so much more helpless than I do. The irony is, after a dozen or so failed attempts, my "escape hatch" is clearly faulty! But I can't give it up. And I think about it every single day, and make a conscious decision every day not to do it, until I do.

    Anyway... just wanted you to know that I "get" you. And wouldn't it be nice if we came with a "reset" button, or as I always say, if we could do a "system restore" on our lives? Sending friendship and hugs... :console:
  4. I'm_trying

    I'm_trying Active Member

    I've only had two attempts so I can't really compare. But the second time I planned extremely well. I do think in terms of black and white everyday. And over the littlest things.

    I've always wondered if we're weaker. I think its both honestly. We value life less which does make us more weak then the average person. But everyone goes through things differently and has different coping skills.

    I know for sure I am going to slip into that mindset. And I can tell the difference between when that mindset is serious or not. Anyways whats your definition of an attention-seeking attempt?
  5. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    Thanks for the replies, and apologies that I never followed up until now. I appreciate hearing other's thoughts on this. In response to your question Littlestoxie, I guess I can explain my perspective like this:

    (This is a personal assessment and I do not intend to judge for folks across the board!)

    Attention-seeking: I'm lonely and miserable and want to feel some other way. I want to be noticed. I don't know how to be/don't want to be/can't be noticed through positive means in an acute enough way to feel any better. I'll do something dangerous looking (and probably really dangerous), but uncertain and inaccurate instead. Then I'll have a new wound to lick for a while and maybe some other folks will feel sorry for me. Major problems with this: 1. Danger! I might overdo my "not-serious" attempt and either die or permanently incapacitate myself. 2. This does not work! It's a off-brand bandaid distraction for a while, then it wears off. Additionally, the more you pull this stunt the less people react and the more resentful they become. Ergo, I'm done with "look-at-me!!" gestures. (Again, this is a personal evaluation only, do not take offense!)

    Serious: I don't want to wake up. My problem here is, while I can attest to two such minded attempts, I'm a typical girl and go for those slower and less successful routes. As proof, I'm still here - even after a three week coma and a declaration of "brain death" at one point. I'm not proud of this.

    Well... I don't know if I accomplished anything by explaining that, but, yeah, we're all good at ruminating here, right?

  6. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    Is this me? This sounds like me. Although, for me, its more like "if it works, grand! if it doesn't, then at least I'll have something else to think about and maybe some people will feel sorry for me. Maybe some of them might even help me."

    I don't want to be an attention-seeker, but if I am at least it would explain why I always think about death and always fall back on thoughts of suicide.
  7. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    ive only tried once, and it was a completely serious/non attention seeking attempt, but I was too shaky to make it work properly. It wouldve worked if I wasnt so shaky. that was also a long time ago in mental time for me, and i was very different then. i dont mean other peoples attempts arent 'serious' more that i actually wanted to die

    i entered a period of deep stagnation afterwards that had a few blips in it, but for the most part I was okay, but just fake okay. i was good at shoving it pretty deep under but it fucked me in the ass in the long run. that lasted about 4 years, but felt like 40

    i tend to feel 'darker' when im down but i often seriously think about the stuff when im mentally fine, sometimes even more when im thinking straight than when im thinking less straight. i guess its because im a rationalist overall, not impulsive. its kind of why im still around, since no method really appealed to me and every single one seemed too risky or painful until pretty recently

    risky meaning less than 99% chance of working....not taking any chances with something like this, especially when the end consequence can be brain damage or internal bleeding or something

    similarly, its an 'escape hatch' for me, but only works slightly...i would never make an attempt unless i was absolutely sure it was going to work. which i guess makes it less effective as a coping mechanism since it always feels surreal or like its never going to end since i dont have much first hand experience with attempting or whatever
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2011
  8. gripster

    gripster Member

    I have never tried but am coming to the conclusion that it is the best option, whats worrying me is that if I am not successful I would be on this route too, keep making attempts and hoping that someone will care enough. I am an engineer so know that I could make it foolproof but for some reason keep drifting towards what I would term soft options, does this mean that I am crying out for help or just not far enough down the road yet, I am here looking for help I guess and its nice not to be judged, my dark moments are not yet dark enough but I feel that they are beginning to get out of control, I think I am too ashamed of them and I dont want them to become public except when it is time to go.

    @Lisani < I am afraid that I am attention seeking, yet I shy away from such activities at all costs so want some one to notice without the drama, I have tried Samaritans but they only listen I think I need dialogue?

    Not sure about the Reset Button, normally you put the machine back in Manual Control or Off even, then clear the blockage or obstacle and press Reset. I think I am actually broken but the problem is no-one has noticed, this sometimes happens when a tell tale bulb goes, the whole system is screaming via one tiny bulb for help but the bulb is broken and no one sees
  9. Sadspirit

    Sadspirit Member

    I have three attempts. I feel I have a very high threshold. I have been through so many traumas. I have been so strong for so long. I believe the first two times were attention seeking. The first when I was 13 after I was molested. The third time was an all out try that failed. I haven't tried again only because I will not try again until I absolutely know it will be successful. Do I value life less? Yes. I don't value life at all. It has been nothing but pain right from the door. Do I think in black and white? Yes. But I feel I am entitled because it is a fact...life sucks. Maybe not for some people, but I...and a lot of others...haven't been so blessed. In the last couple years I've started thinking about it every day. I am so tempted to just go ahead and try it again using anything...but I don't want it to fail again so I've been able to stop (although I have begun to self harm by slamming my hands against the walls). I found my perfect method, it suits me and is 100% guaranteed, so as soon as I can afford it, I will do it. We don't need a reset button, we need an "off" button.
  10. maries

    maries Active Member

    i've been wondering the same thing ever since i actually understood the complexity of suicide, and not just "i want to kill myself"
  11. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Having that high threshold is a total bitch in my experience; sometimes I wonder if it'd just be better to be less insightful and more impulsive...since at least I would've had a few chances of things ending. Trying to rationalize everything away never worked. Being at a midpoint between a human and a machine doesn't work either. You either have to be full machine, or full human. If you're stuck in between, the two sides destroy each other, particularly if you have an aggressive personality as I do.
  12. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    double post fail
  13. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    Hi all, and thanks for your input.

    I'm going to shirk my own thoughts here and ask, what's so wrong with being attention-seeking?

    Yes, it's stigmatized as selfish, especially for those of use who fall into the old black-and-white thinking pattern - which most suicidal folks struggle with. Still, if you're so miserable, distraught, traumatized, perplexed, afraid, etc., that you're fit to quit, what alternative is there than to seek attention? I'm not vying for suicidal gestures here, but I am ready to preach against stigma from my own little soapbox. I know I'm generalizing, but we're the lost and lonely who don't feel they possess the right to be otherwise. We feel marginalized, misunderstood, pigeonholed, and fingered as an untouchable type in the world. The pettings of therapists and drug-pushers fall flat because they don't ring true: they're being paid, and even if they truly care, we're quick to assume their care cannot possibly extend to us in the singular.

    I know this doesn't make much sense, and I apologize; to be more direct: Attention-seeking gestures/attempts may be the first sign of positive mental health in a suicidal person. They show that person doesn't want death as much as they want to feel loved and accepted. I know it sounds trite, but if any part of you still craves, still yearns for something better - if you can still feel pain, then you haven't really given up. You may want to give up, you may choose to believe you've given up, but if you still hurt, you're still engaging with this world. I've never met anyone who was truly apathetic, plenty of folks who wanted, tried, and convinced themselves they were, but not one who actually was. For all of us here, we're still reaching out, still applying effort even when we say we aren't. We're all attention-seeking, and if we find no other positive quality in ourselves, then maybe it's time to consider attention-seeking as a candidate.

    I'll get off my soapbox now. For this moment, I'm accepting my attention-seeking ways as useful at least - catch me in another five minutes and I might say otherwise. Either way, it's food for thought.

    Take care.

  14. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    yeah thats probably true in a human sense, a person who is truly off the deep end wont desire any of those things and will be completely 'despondent'. but i think even those who have given up still *want* it, they may just see it as futile and no longer try. its impossible or at least very difficult to become fully like a machine

    as for the term its just a dismissive type thing
  15. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    Thank you.
  16. Simon22

    Simon22 Member

    Hmm thanks for sharing this wonderful post really like ur post gripster it is quite helpful discussion in this thread thanks u so much for the impressive post......
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