Slippin' and slidin'

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Oct 28, 2009.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I see the signs. I'm about to start down cycling. I dont want to!!!!! I want to stay here. But I wont. No matter how much I pretend I can stay... I cant. People have accused me of not reaching out. Not saying help when I should. Well this is the teeny weeny window of opportunity. Someone please grab me and dont let me slide. Dont let me slip into the darkness. Dont let the suidical thoughts and urges take over my life again. Please just let me be me and not my damn bipolar!!!!!!
  2. mkandy

    mkandy Member

    What signs are you seeing? What makes it so bad? Tell me your thoughts and what triggers them. Sometimes it's hard to see the light when there are things clouding your mind. I want to help, I want you see that it will be worth it. If you hang in there and talk through it.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    everyone of us are here. you do reach out. you are having a bad moment and remember how things were going for you just recently. things looked good for you. we all have our bad days. let it pass and continue with your positive attitude you had a week ago or so.

    you can do it.
    youve done it.

  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    You've got to keep writing, telling us what's going on, saying anything and everything - can't hold onto you if you stay silent. How about talking about what you've been doing today?
  5. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    I know you do not agree with some of my posts, and I was in two minds as to respond because of this. However, YOU offer some good advice on this website. You assist/advise troubled people and help them with some of their ailments and confusion.

    It is funny how we can advise other people because we have been there, but when it comes to our own well being we are sometimes a little complexed. It is easier to help others than it is ourselves, because basically we all have a good heart. We do not want to see people suffer, whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically. It is human nature to want to help, at least for the majority of us.

    There are a few things I can suggest, but I suspect you may have tried them. Changing your mood stabilizing meds being the obvious. Have you joined any support groups that deal directly with Bipolar? Perhaps talking with people who have the condition, you may learn what has work or is working for them?

    There is another forum for people with Bipolar:

    Hopefully that link works.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Itmahanh please hang on we are all here keep talking to us keep distracted come on you can do this sending you some support:hugtackles::rose::girlpower
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm standing right next to you Sis...You know you can always PM me and just vent.. Let it out..I will hang on and not let you slip into the darkness..You would do the same for me.. So let her rip and I will listen and offer what advice I can..You are loved by so many here..Remember that O.K.???
  8. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    You know what....I have grown so attached to you and your support, that I honestly dont know what id do if you ever hurt yourself. I would be totally gutted. I truely care for you and think you are a great person and an amazing human being. These words come from the bottom of my heart - i mean every word!!!!! I wish you could love you as much as I love you. You protected me on a few occassions from my depression and I owe you so please let me have the chance to try to repay you.

    Be kind to yourself, you have no idea how wonderful you are.!!!! x
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so tired of fighting it. I just want to let go and take whatever happens if I stop fighting. I'm trying I really am!!!!!!!!! But right now that doesnt feel like it's going to be enough.
  10. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You know we're with you...and you know you know you can pm me any time!

    Please stay safe!

  11. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I'm tempted to say, stop fighting so much, let us do some of that for you. Only for that to work you've got to keep talking, keep telling us how you are, what you're feeling, what's going on. Then we can fight for you. :arms:
  12. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    You DO deserve something. You deserve a whole lot. When you post to other people's pain, you're not just saying it to be nice, you mean it, you believe they deserve it.

    Well, you might not be able to believe it of yourself, but WE do, we know you deserve it, so everyone who posts and says those things, they mean it, they are telling you YOU DESERVE TO BE CARED ABOUT. And yes, because you give so much to others. But also, because of who you are, because you're in pain, because you're fundamentally a really good person. (How else could you have ended up blaming yourself for the shit others have loaded onto you eh?)

    Just keep talking.
  13. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    We do know you deserve to be cared about!!!!

    And I do care about you!
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    This is too hard. I want to shut down and shut out everything and everyone. It's all I know.

    My case worker just left. He shows up from time to time unannounced. His first question all the time is "do you feel suicidal today" (he has to ask that because their main concern is Nate's safety). I looked him straight in the face and said yes. He said ok then went on about the business he came for. Then he asked about the house situation. So I said, I wont be needing one. The kids will be better off with the little bit of money I will see from the sale than us trying to survive off it as a family. I gave him my lawyers name and number in case he doesnt contact CFS once I'm dead. He said ok I'll note that. I told him all the things Nate's Dad has and hasnt been doing lately. And low and behold, I find out he is working for CFS as a respite worker!!!!! I suggested that they do a better background search on this guy cuz he aint what they think he is.

    I didnt beat around the bush about anything. He got up headed for the door and then said okay winters coming so probably wont be back til early spring. Anything else he could do for me? I said no thanks you've just done more than enough. Bye.

    I need to isolate. I need to hide away. Helping me isnt important as helping others right now. The proof to that just walked out my door. Helloooo down cycle. This is what I really need. This is were I belong. My thoughts and urges and my aloneness.
  15. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Well he's an arsehole. It's pretty obvious he either didn't want to make any effort in helping you, or he was playing silly little games like 'I'll call her bluff'. Don't get hooked into that, see him for the petty little bureaucrat that he is. He's paid to do a job (no matter that he didn't do it), and he obviously doesn't see caring as part of that job.

    And you've got an argument on your hands here! Helping you seems to me to be THE ONLY important thing right now. So don't go away, stay here, REACH OUT! and keep reaching out. (Think how you're gonna make all the people that you have helped feel good by letting them help you now.)


    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    ok, you need to find another case worker and get your self some help. if things are crashing down mentally for you, i suggest calling SOMEONE in a hospital or something. i say hospital because im not sure of your total situation.
    the bottom line is .... make some calls and get some help. we dont want to see another one of us bite the dust.

    dont do it for us, do it for you.
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks but that is the last thing I would do. I've been standing at that door too many times. Didnt work for me. And the guilt of making that call tears me up. I always think someone or something who would of benefitted from the police or doc being there needs this more than me. Even staying here trying to hang on to the rest of you's is making me feel soooooooooooo guilty. Like I'm attention grabbing or something. The thoughts tell me to stop it and just go isolate. Dont bother others. But for right now, they havent taken over completely and this is the first time in a very long time that I've wanted to put up a fight to the thoughts. But I'm not doing a very good job of it. Sorry.
  18. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Guilt is one of those things that only the person feeling guilty sees anythng wrong in what they're doing. There's no judgements here, only acceptance. And I think you've done pretty good so far, hanging in here this long. I'm with you all the way.
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Come on you are the best you give and you give and i appreciate all you help and support as do others. NOW it is time for support for you. If you need help you call for it Call your crisis line call the hospital call and call again until you get the help you need. You and your child deserve the best and to not be treated as second best. Please keep up the fight we are here with you just remember that. Please if it get to the point where the pain is to much pick up your phone and call and get help you deserve You are so worth the fight as is your child Hang in please call your councillor in the place you live call mayor anyone who will listen and get you the support We are always here for you so please never never feel guilty about asking for help or for posting or anything everyone cares here about you don't forget that.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    thats just the hurt talking. giving you invalid reasons to do what you SHOULDN'T DO.
    sometimes we have to keep trying till we find the right one. like violet said, your worth it and so is your child.

    dont give up. you had a taste of what it was like to feel good. if you did it once you can reach that again.
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