Slippin' and slidin'
- Thread starter itmahanh
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Guilt. I feel so guilty getting help and support. That's not me. I dont want to loose my friends here. Down cycles arent just a few hours and everything is all right. I dont want people to get mad thinking I'm not trying and leave me. I cant loose my friends from here you are all I have left to lean on. Just let me go ok.
Im sitting here thinking about what a f**ked up person I really am. My little one is trying to play with me and I cant find the energy. I dont want to be Mommy and daddy anymore. I dont want to have to do everything alone anymore. I dont want to be bipolar anymore. I dont want the cancer anymore. I dont want to be me anymore. I dont want to be anymore!!!!!!!
Ok so today think I've levelled out on the down side. And that's good cuz this I know, understand. The suicidal thoughts and urges I am comfortable with. They never leave me so I know I wont be alone. I have the method and everything I need except the time. So I'll do as I usually do, wait for the right time. If it appears it appears if it doesnt it doesnt. There will ALWAYS be another down cycle. Not like I'm ever going to get any better. See a silver lining. Always looking for that silver lining. I'm bipolar as long as my pathetic brain keeps trying to keep me alive. Yipeeee!!!! Yeah, that was sarcasism :dry:
woke up with this thing this feeling today. dont know howto explain it. you know the really anxious nervous feeling of anticipation over something you really arent going to enjoy but cant do a thing about it. I'm physically shaking. And it's been all day. those words dont eevn come close to explaining it. its like i need to ecplain but i just cant nothing even comes close. then said something I thought was right today. but now i know it was wrong and now i'm all screwed in the head. parked the truck at the crossing and just walked. i saw the green light forthe east bound and kept praying for it to come it didnt. now i'm going out cuz carol is coming for nate and i feel like it's gonna happen its finally gonna hapen just so panicky inside damn it !!!!! i need to explain it!!!! its like its so importmnat that someone know. but i can t get the words. and it wont go away. and im so embarrassed nmow for saying what i did to this person. and so many things all in my head all at aonce and all the time. and i nmeed to make it all stop!!!!!!!!!!!!! got ta go need to prettty up for some reaason that is really important right now too. like i have to look presentable. fuck i dont know whats happening whats going on but it feels so important. like everything i was or am depends on it
I dont know who i am anymroe. but i know that no person is ever going to love me the way i see love. i have lived many years with out a lot o f things but that i cant do it. the urge is so strong and all i can think is i want a hug a real hug someone to hold me and make me feel like i exsit. and it is never goign to happend. instead i get raped or abused eerytome i think someone loves me . i can t do this im a loving person and have only ben used and hurt when i think i fouidn someone to love me back thats all thats inside now is urges to jsut stop the pain.l the feeilng the thoughts that manic shit from yesterday is still in me. and now knowing i will never be lvoed gently but always abusviely and for soemone elses ego trip or needs well all i know is i need to make it stop. im sory
feel just like you, if only there was someone to make me feel that I do exist, that I am worthy of love, this forum definitely helps, but yeah, it's not the real thing, although we never know, and it is the truth, we never know what might be waiting just around the corner, that's what keeps me, the curiosity,
and don't be sorry, no reason to be :hugtackles:
and don't be sorry, no reason to be :hugtackles:
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