I was sexually assualted a few months ago and i cant get it out of my head. I think about it, i dream about it. I'm loosing sleep, its stressing me out, i feel like i am loosing my mind. I only told two people, my boyfriend who learnt by accident and a guy friend who had helped me through my self harming and suicide attempts. I havent told anyone else, i'm scared what they might think of me. I was humilated, vilolated. I'm not scared it will happen again though when it is dark and i am walking home i do get paranoid a little at every shadow it seems. I'm scared what others might think of me. I know i need help to get passed it but i dont want to talk about it in detail. My boyfriend doesnt know what to do aswell, i can see the pain and anger in him when he wakes me from a nightmare. I feel as if its my fault too.. my fault i got taken advantage of. If i had only fought a little harder, shouted louder. I got away eventually from him before it turned into rape but he still touched me, and i feel sick thinking of it. I've started to get back into old habits. Cant take the darkness and the fear anymore. I cut again. I craved that relief you feel even if for only a few seconds. Strange how the pain can become so comforting in a time of need. I've also been contemplating killing myself... I dont want to wake in fear, i dont want to see his face in my dreams, i dont want to feel his hands on me if i even daze out. I hate reliving the experience. I've been trying to fight these feelings. Telling myself its all in my head but i cant help but feel so alone, and scared. Seems i am not afraid of the man himself but of my mind and the memory. I dont want to live like this.