Slipping

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by AfterFact, Oct 17, 2012.

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  1. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    I had a opportunity to gain access to my parent's safe and having not self-control I took it. I took one of which is my actual dosage, and I took it in the morning with my morning dose for a total the normal amount. I'm not going to bullshit. I did it to get high. It didn't actually work though. In fact though I didn't really get a buzz, I there little significant negative effects, which considering how much I took is actually a bit surprising. I went to class like normal, and I actually felt pretty good. I was in a good mood which is rare for me. I was able to pay attention in class and I actually was able to function without much effort. Because I have ADD, stimulants do not really make me high to begin with, though it's not impossible. I obviously wasn't thinking about that when I took the pills. I did think when I took the keys to all the safes, which I still have. For the first time ever, I actually apologized to my Dad for all the things I've done over the years, being disrespectful, being a asshole. Being a smart ass. Making careless mistakes. Not thinking before acting or saying. Not thinking about how my words and actions affect those around me. Always wanting to be right, blaming others for my own mistakes. In fact while under the effect of these pills, I was more honest than I've been in quite some time. I finally accepted responsibility. I finally realized that my Dad yelled at me not because he's mean, but because I did something wrong, I made a mistake. 99 percent of the time if he's yelling at me, there is some legit reason behind it.

    I know what I did was wrong, that I was lucky as hell something bad didn't happen. But it's these times that are reason I still struggle with substance abuse. Because even though the entire concept is bad, in practice it has had some positive effects beyond a short release. I'm struggling to bring myself to put the keys back. I haven't had access in a month. I know it's bad. I know I need to stop. But part of me doesn't want to. And I'm having a hard time fighting that part of me. What happened today could have been so much worse. And if I had chosen to take more severe drugs, today could have turned out differently. I always say I can't help it. But that isn't true. I can help it. I am not addicted. I have a problem, but I can stopped. I have stopped before. It is not impossible for me to stay clean, just hard. But Life isn't easy. It certainly won't get any better as I get older. I know I have a problem. I know I can stop. I'm sure this is a substance problem. I think it's a impulse control problem. If it wasn't drugs it would have been something else. I refuse to believe that drugs control my life. I can stop at any time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2012
  2. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    I just reread my post. I do have a substance problem, and while drug don't control my life, if I could stop at any time, then I would be clean right now. While I had a good day today, what I did was not good for me. It was not right. What I posted above is part of what I say to myself in my head. I always somehow find a way to justify everything I do. I am having a hard time fighting that part of me. I do not think I am addicted, but I do have a problem with prescription drugs, and I don't think I can honestly say that I have total control at this point.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2012
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sad to read this...have you gotten help? Please make sure you get what you need and PM me if I can guide/support you in any way
     
  4. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    I haven't gotten help. As I said above I did apologize to my Dad and in the process patch up our relationship. For the first time in months I had an actual conversation with him. We didn't argue. The house was peaceful for once. So I think that was a huge burden that I lifted off my back, because I should done that a long time ago. I didn't get help because this was the first time in a month that I had done anything like this. I've said from the beginning this is one thing I need to deal on my own. I fucked up yesterday, but it was the first time in over a month I had done something like this. To be honest, the temptation is still there, the access is still there, and I'm struggling to not give into the temptation. But I don't think being in a hospital will benefit me right now. And after finally apologizing to my Dad and starting the process of mending our relationship, something like this would not be helpful right now. What bothers me is that it take a ridiculous amount of pills to bring myself to actually take accountability for my actions and be honest.
     
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