I had a opportunity to gain access to my parent's safe and having not self-control I took it. I took one of which is my actual dosage, and I took it in the morning with my morning dose for a total the normal amount. I'm not going to bullshit. I did it to get high. It didn't actually work though. In fact though I didn't really get a buzz, I there little significant negative effects, which considering how much I took is actually a bit surprising. I went to class like normal, and I actually felt pretty good. I was in a good mood which is rare for me. I was able to pay attention in class and I actually was able to function without much effort. Because I have ADD, stimulants do not really make me high to begin with, though it's not impossible. I obviously wasn't thinking about that when I took the pills. I did think when I took the keys to all the safes, which I still have. For the first time ever, I actually apologized to my Dad for all the things I've done over the years, being disrespectful, being a asshole. Being a smart ass. Making careless mistakes. Not thinking before acting or saying. Not thinking about how my words and actions affect those around me. Always wanting to be right, blaming others for my own mistakes. In fact while under the effect of these pills, I was more honest than I've been in quite some time. I finally accepted responsibility. I finally realized that my Dad yelled at me not because he's mean, but because I did something wrong, I made a mistake. 99 percent of the time if he's yelling at me, there is some legit reason behind it. I know what I did was wrong, that I was lucky as hell something bad didn't happen. But it's these times that are reason I still struggle with substance abuse. Because even though the entire concept is bad, in practice it has had some positive effects beyond a short release. I'm struggling to bring myself to put the keys back. I haven't had access in a month. I know it's bad. I know I need to stop. But part of me doesn't want to. And I'm having a hard time fighting that part of me. What happened today could have been so much worse. And if I had chosen to take more severe drugs, today could have turned out differently. I always say I can't help it. But that isn't true. I can help it. I am not addicted. I have a problem, but I can stopped. I have stopped before. It is not impossible for me to stay clean, just hard. But Life isn't easy. It certainly won't get any better as I get older. I know I have a problem. I know I can stop. I'm sure this is a substance problem. I think it's a impulse control problem. If it wasn't drugs it would have been something else. I refuse to believe that drugs control my life. I can stop at any time.