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Slow motion

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Aug 15, 2010.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That's what it feels like. Everytnhing is moving that way. I've lost my home, some really important people and friends in my life, money, hope, desire.

    So i come crawling back here. Beaten and ready to say fine, thne world wins. I cant do this all alone. I have nothjing left to give or offer. I cant do "alone". One place in tnhe entire world that I feel a little like I belong, someone might understand me. But then i feel guilty cuz it's like I always take from here lately and never seem able to return the esame for others.

    I never know how to say help. Atleast not so others listen or hear me. So i'm here whispering with all i have left. Please.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you have come back here
    this is where you need to be
    among people who understand
    god you know one is me
    i hate the system
    all of them
    how they abuse you so
    i just glad to see you back here my friend
    please dont leave me again
    battered and bruised
    worse to wear
    but hey your a fighter
    your still here
    no matter what the hell they do
    they will never take that part of you
    i care i hear and i see that your there
    please now stay
    don't disappear
    you have alot of love to give
    and so much knowledge to
    i am your friend and so many more will agree
    this is the the place for you to be.
    slow motion is better than no motion at all my friend
    in time another speed will come
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're asking for help and so glad to hear from you.....I am one of many who miss you..
    We don't expect you to help out when you need help yourself..that's what's good about this forum ...
    It must be a horrible situation that you are in..I can only imagine....
    Please keep reaching out.....

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome back Carla,, I know besides myself that alot of people here have missed you!! You belong here..You are a big part of this family..Take care Sis!! Love, Joseph
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    carla- you don't have to worry about anyone here!

    when you came back and posted, you have no idea how relieved but also worried i felt, and talking to you, and hearing your words meant the more than the world to me.

    i can't say i am you, and i understand everything you're going through- but i can imagine the feeling of slow motion and disconnection because of the upheaval in your life recently.

    you sound like you want to scream help for yourself? or for others to hear you? i hear you, even though you are whispering.

    i hear you.
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Whether you know it or not you are a help. Shareing your struggles and being open about your feelings help others with the confidence to do the same. It is not too late for you and you are NEVER alone. You have a choice to fight your trials alone or to allow others to help you over come them. If you choose to fight alone you can be sure to stay where you are, but when you choose to ask for help is when you will see progress. I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings..
  7. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    welcome back carla. Don't worry about helping others. You come first. You have to do something to help you! I've been reading your posts and it really does seem like not much is going right for you, and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. Just know that there are many of us here, myself included that love and care about you. If you need someone to talk to, just shoot me a PM. I'm more than happy to help you. I care about you and I want to see you get through this. I know for a fact, that you can. You are VERY strong. :wub:
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am right there with you on the slow motion. Right now my life seems to crawl everyday feels like a lifetime. When I look back on the last three years of my life time blew by. Our mood effects our perception of time.

    I have been with same with helping others. I have been lurking and seeking help. Sometimes we cannot help others if we cannot help ourselves.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks all!!!!!!!!!!!! this feels like home. This feels safe. This feels like I would imagine real care and loving to feel like. Why cant it be like this in RL???? Just one person to hold me, give me a so badly needed actual hug, let me cry, not say a word, just hold me and let me be who I so badly want to be for just a few minutes!!!!! I hate me so much right now.
  10. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    I know what you mean about the hug thing, carla. If I could I'd be there in a heartbeat to give you a hug, hold you and comfort you and let you cry on my shoulder. :) I don't know if it means much, but it's true. You deserve to be happy. You're so strong. just keep hanging in there.
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You're not responsible for people's reactions you talk about, and that you crave outside of here.

    They are. It's their issues, not yours.

    I'm so glad you feel safe here......because your world outside here, sounds very unsafe, dismissive, lonely, uncaring and pretty chaotic and fragile. :hug:
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No sorry. Not strong. I was once. But it's gone. It's only my body functioning on instinct now. It breathes because it doesnt know how not to. It moves in a daze just because it has to. I dont get up and out of bed each morning with my littlest one because I want to. But rather I have to. If not for that, I wouldnt get up at all. God how I wish that could happen. Just lay there and rot away body and soul, to nothing like the rest of me has become. Nope not strong at all anymore. Just waiting for the instinct thing to finally give up, like me.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    as long as you child is with you there
    that instinct as a mother will be too
    a child who gives love and hugs and smiles
    a child who hold you so close too
    you have that special connection
    a child who keep you here
    get joy from everything he does
    love unconditionally hard to get
    he doesn't hate you not one bit
    your here to stay not rot away
    here to help him fulfill his dreams
    no matter how dark it seems
    hold onto that special little one
    and all the love he gives.
  14. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    So glad to see you on, though very sorry to hear of the conditions. Please keep fighting. :hug:
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm a fucking nutcase. I dont know what happened. I was so stressed and confused when I got there. I remember the usual..." so what's up?" I talked about trying really hard to take a stand against my mom. He started saying something, then the black sucked me in. I remember saying ( and to be honest I dont know if I said it out loud or only in my head) "why doesnt anyone hear me, see just how tired I am". The next clear thing was being pulled really hard to my feet and being hit on the back. I apparently just opened my purse took out some meds and popped a handful right there!!! He said he was in shock and honestly couldnt react at first. He thought I was kidding around. But when my hand came down empty and I had swallowed really hard, he just grabbed and did the first thing that he could think of. All I did was cry. Like a little child being punished for a misdeed. The "panic button" was pushed and the police arrived, and off to the hospital we go. Hours later and my usual, "they didnt ask the right questions so I didnt have to give the "ultimate" answer to the doc and I was on my way. It still feels like a dream. But trying to convince the pharmacist to refill a month supply of meds when I should still have 2 more weeks on me, well, kind of reeks of reality. Yeah I'd have to say I'm feeling suicidal. It's in my head 24/7. FINALLY it's taken over. About time!!!!!!!!
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    carla- i'm not sure exactly what happened but that sounds frightening, and like you say it was like you were in a dream and wasn't exactly in control of what you were doing, which must feel even more scary. you might have been dissociating when you did that, i don't know.

    the whole experience sounds awful and humiliating.

    do you still feel like you're in a dream now?
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    That must've been awful for you ....
    how are you feeling now?

    If I was there I'd give you a huge *HUG*
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I'm glad that you're back Carla. Please don't give up hun. :hug:
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad he saw how unstable you are and that he was able to get you some help right away. You were disassociating Carla you were you had no control andhe saw that. I am glad you are here now amongst friends you know we all care we are your family okay stay here stay strong
  20. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hang in there, Carla dear. I'm around if you'd like to talk. :hug:
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