Slow suicide by not eating. My life depresses me utterly.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sylviap, Apr 29, 2012.

  1. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    I've always been artsy and flippant and able to find the joy in life, but then I met him and we got married.
    He came from$ which frightened and intimidated me, not that my family was poor, but my forefathers were slaves, where his were nazi. West Indian and German. I've wanted to die of such shock and horror about a certain amount of coldness and depravity that I shan't go into... I mean, all this communing with former lovers and having such poor taste in humor, lacking an intellectual threshold of any sort. I feel like I'm a rat In a guilded cage surrounded by an army of pink inappropriate elephants. I haven't eaten for so long. I want to run, but I gave up everything to make a new life, now I see a preset one of buffoonery and callousness and excess that my stomach cannot take. What bacchanalian rubbish is this? Am I mad? Or culturally inept to deal with the first world?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to leave hun and make a life for YOURself okay find your self again hugs
     
  3. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    I don't know how to leave... I made a vow but I don't think people who have prenups should be taken at their word. I will never give up my friends or family for you, that is what he said today. I gave all mine up when I left home. I never asked him to, just I don't want to commune with your ex girlfriend who is now dating your brother or your best friends wife you had a threesome with the same year I met you! I mean come on? How can you woo someone and drop tasteless bombs like that? My stomach literally relieves itself in their presence. They make me actually sick, I wake up panicked and run to the Wc to throw up. I'm on lorazepam and odansetron for my nausea. But I can't
    I've like this. Unless I become lobotomized or have a grand epiphany where this utter nonsense can be filtered into sense that I can digest, I need top.ot my escape, or plan my funeral... I have nothing to lose because i own nothing, so my life is all I must save...
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It seems as though you've wound up in a relationship where he means more to you than you mean to him: relatively speaking. I hate those! If it's taking this great a toll on your own personal health, that cannot be a good positive sign for the future, and you've got to ask yourself, "is it worth it?" Maybe so, maybe no, only you can know... But I don't think you're in love with the way he treats you or behaves with former favorite girls. Ask yourself this--if the situation were reversed, and you were engaging in these types of relationships and causing him turmoil by having a particular kind of distressing family, would he be okay with it? Still stick around? Cherish you? I don't know the answers but that doesn't meant that I can't ask the questions... Leaving is actually pretty easy: It's over... Okay, so it's maybe not that easy, but it kind of is, when you discover if it's what's really best for you. Just be direct, truthful, assertive. At least, I would! Oh, and starving yourself? It's probably not the most pleasant way to go... But what do I know!
     
  5. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    Nö he absolutely would not. I know what I must do, but the hardest part, isn't the ending so much as the start... As much of a fool as I have been, I have to get back on track, because whoever I am or whatever I am cannot thrive here, only wither and die. Unless I assimilate and become something other than my self... I have had 3 stress related miscarriages, and horrible nervous breakdown. I have come to the point where I'm slowly letting my heart strings snap and unload one by one. Until it is no more. I just need to plan better. I have no country no job nothing. But the antithetical mercy that others condescend to bestow upon me. I have too much pride for this. I cannot yield, so I must run like I am on fire.
     
  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Holy Cow!! I didn't know that it was THAT bad.. I'm really sorry to hear how much you've suffered--I do commend you on your urge to fight forward and change that which is totally and completely wrong. It takes great courage, drive, commitment & determination, but I know that you not only can, but will do it! I can feel it in your words: the strength.:) I don't think that--despite how healthy or happy one may feel in a relationship--it is good to devote your entire being and personality to that one individual. In other words, your whole personality is tied to them: & therefore, dependent upon them. That's all too much power to be giving anybody in what should always be (for me any way) an equals relationship. That is, regardless of stature, you treat one another as equals: 50-50. Glad to hear you're preparing to take the first step; 'tis always the trickiest of the bunch, but, as they say, the journey can't begin without it! :D
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2012
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Sylvia - you have gone through great pain and know you must leave to save yourself, or you will wither up and die. He is not in a marriage with you - he has no idea what the word means. He has used you and is abusing you, so there is no "marriage" - in the correct term of the word. You do not have to fulfil your vow to stay in something that has turned out to be such a nightmare, because this is not what you vowed to do. Marriage, in your eyes, means something else, that he certainly is not doing his side of the bargain, hun. Use everything you can muster to run like that fire, as you say :) Blessings and strength,
     
  8. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    I've decided that this will not kill me. Stay or don't stay I feel clarity now. Even though I know that things will always be like this and I have to learn to ignore certain, well many things, somehow I know the universe has already charted this course and serenity is my only option. Not submission, like a neo imperialist slave, but observant practical serenity. I've allowed too much of my goodness and inner peace to be destroyed by my nerves and ironically the nerve of 'others'. But today I wake up 15 lbs underweight with I horrible cold, but I feel so light and clear now. I surrender to the I am. And I guess I'll leave me there.... Everyone and everything dies. I'm 27, but I no longer sing.
     
  9. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    Wow, tonight was so bad... I can't even begin, because so much was so bad. I was able to eat a quarter of a tomato, then the things some people say, well they don't really amaze you but... I dunno. I know this is vague but. Wow. I have a nine hour flight tomorrow and heaven only knows...
     
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, Sylvia - I wish you well in the choices you're making, and hope that you will continue to post to gain strength and enjoy the community on here. Strange, but I've just read in today's newspaper a column about "trade-offs" in relationships, which sounds like what you have decided to accept. Because, we live in a material universe and still need to be practical - it might not be practical for you to leave. But I do hope that as time passes, you will be able to find a way to sing again. Blessings and strength to you hun. :pinkrose:
     
  11. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    So my husband says that I am the problem. That I have to learn to be a 'yes man' and my not eating because I am uncomfortable, is not fair for everyone else, because it makes them uncomfortable. I just need to get on board... Ha.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2012
  12. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Your husband is dead wrong here. Make no mistake about it, he doesn't know what the heck he's talking about. I've witnessed first-hand the damage starving your-self can do, and so it is not so simple a solution to come by. In any case, have you been treated professionally for this sort of thing? I know my good friend I'd mentioned before saw a therapist on a weekly basis for five years of graduate school: & it even took her four or five failed psychologists before she found one that she felt comfortable with and liked well enough to continue. However it happens, I hope that you get the help that you need--VERY SOON. All My Best!!
     
  13. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    i'm back home eating a little better. but my nerves are so frayed. i caught a horrible cold while abroad last week and my body is so weak to fight it after such a long period of 'fasting'. He's thoroughly upset with me and wishes i were a different person right now. the animosity is so utterly unnecessary for me right now. all i want is to sleep and ignore him. but at 3 am he wakes fidgeting and finding things to be upset about- just like what he accuses me of hahaaha. oh well. i just want to eat and get better and not let this cold have me. he said going to a doctor after a whole week of horrible coughing, with a bit of blood here and there is a waste. I'd pay for it myself but i can't drive :) so i ought to take a taxi tomorrow if needed...
     
  14. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Good! That's precisely what you should do! Go see that doctor! Now, it sounds to me like your husband is a little bit sick himself. There's a saying in the group therapy session I go to by the lead psychologist, that, sometimes the healthiest members of the family are the ones who are here (there) getting help. And it's their other family members who need to be there (here) even more. I remember when my old friend's doctor told her that if she didn't stop starving herself, her body was going to start eating its own organs, staring with the Heart! I do hope that you begin to feel better soon!
     
  15. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    it will be so wonderful to have a human group session where i could talk but in the middle of here there doesn't seem to have facilities for disturbed people like me. my problem may seem negligible and somewhat contrived. they think i do this for attention- they never bothered to get to know me or understand and respect where my comfort zone begins and ends! i used to think i was liberal before I got here, but this has made me soooooooooooo conservative and introverted. these little forums and anonymous suicide numbers are the only places i vent with any kind of encouraging feedback! thanks so much for replying!
     
  16. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    p.s. i'm trying a whey protein powder drink to try and re-feed my body a little bit. is that ok? food is still tough, since i'm not too comfortable to really eat since the trip.
     
  17. Sylviap

    Sylviap Member

    all of a sudden he wants me to talk about my feelings. I don't dare. this is a trap. I'm not stupid. "what's on your mind?" "why wont you talk to me?" to hear what? i have nothing to complain about, no problems and the only thing wrong with me is me? I'm pretty sure that is what his recorded behavioural patterns shall manifest by way of discourse. He never has a real opinion, he just overrides the actual topic and zeros in on that it is me. So I take his word for it and say nothing. i rather vent in a semi anonymous chat room than open myself to someone who allegedly i should but practically can never, trust! Burn me once, shame on you! this time would make it the millionth. He's not a person I can or could confide or trust to tell my feelings to. Not because he is bad, but because he seems a bit more shallow and one track minded than most intelligent people i know. he's too afraid of real issues- he'd rather save the trees in the amazon (which we all should) than actually listen to why i cry or cannot eat or sleep or function socially. he's asking but he doesn't want the truth. because he is part of the problem and as soon as anything pertaining to him or his family manifests in the said discourse, in any way that is not flattering, he immediately disavows it and casts it off as rubbish. he's not going to get any fuel from me but silence and the weakest smile i can muster.