Slowly being pushed to the edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Davec27, Aug 15, 2016.

  1. Davec27

    Davec27 Member

    i suspect most people here are young (under 50) and may not understand this, but I am recently retired and realise lots of regrets in my life. I am a doctor, lost £1m through a scam, now feel bad about not spotting it and failing my children. Had loads of medicine and psychotherapy seen every week, nothing seems to have helped. I suspect I cannot last out much longer.
    Really desperate but neve one to complain previously. Only had 3.days off sick in 40 years until this.
    It seems like nothing left to help.
    Lots of kind words and sympathy but it feels inevitable and I am very dangerous,
    I have an enviable life. No need to work, beautiful wife and children, income and yet I am tormented with self loathing. It will be really bad for all of them.
    No talking treatments have worked, in fact they have opened a pandora station box of additional worries and regrets.
    I feel doomed, every day a struggle. Really bad
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Dave, I'm a little bit older than you :) welcome to the forum. I retired 2 yrs ago, I was an RN in an inner city emergency room for 20yrs. Basically retired because of back injuries and to look after my 87yr old mom who passed away last year. I understand about regrets, last Christmas I was seriously planning on ending it.
    You said it yourself Dave, you've got a good wife and children and I'm sure you mean the world to them, stick around for them my friend. This is a good place where you can air your feelings and there's a lot of good people here that are going through similar problems, they help and support you. You're not alone Dave, there's no judgement here, just understanding and friendship. Take care and pm me if you want to talk privately.
    lightning05 likes this.
  3. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this and that you have lost that money, it must be very difficult. I once saw my mother lose a lot of money (I was present when she found out) and it was absolutely awful for her and hard for me to see. Do I think she's a failure? Of course not. Do I want her money? Of course not. Do your children need £1m? I doubt it. Something much more useful might be an example of being able to live without mentally torturing oneself, a sense that life is ok whatever the weather.

    Therapy can bring up a lot of stuff that we don't want to look at. I recently had the same experience and retreated but that is exactly the stuff that we need to look at closely, not to judge it but to examine it objectively. How did it get there? Do I want it in my life? Forgive yourself, I 'm sure you have helped a lot of people in your life and that you have a lot more to offer.
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi dave and welcome to SF. I am 51 for my sins going on 91, or at least thats what my body tells me some days. One thing life has taught me in those 51 years are that regrets are not worth shit. We did what we did at the time because we thought it was the right thing to do, what does regretting it now do to change it? But I do appreciate pandoras box. I have found some memories that are best left on the top shelf where I put them many moons ago.

    We are all fighting for our lives on a daily basis here at SF, so you are not alone. You have probably treated scores of people like myself, I dont know, but that does not make you or anyone else immune. So here we all are, in a great community of likeminded individuals, all helping to support each other through thick and thin and trying to ensure that we are all here to see tomorrow. You can talk to us, join us and become a part of what SF is and I believe be of help to a lot of us with your knowledge. I have found that trying to give something back is very rewarding. No one gets judged here, no one gets ridiculed, no one gets bullied or intimidated.

    So what exactly is wrong? I have severe/major depression coupled with anxiety and have survived twice. Thats why I am here. I was looking for survivors who might be feeling how I felt and I found SF. I am doing therapy, one 2 one and group and am being a good kid and taking my meds. Nothing much has changed, but I gave my word that I would try and stay alive and I intend to honour that. If I fail, sobeit, but at least I know I gave it my best shot.
    liktheangel likes this.
  5. Davec27

    Davec27 Member

    It's just that I've been trying so hard for so long and need to exercise hard to keep control of those thoughts. Previously a national level endurance athlete, my current efforts are pitiful in comparison to my peer group that I was previously with. I keep trying and by most people's standards probably do a lot, but it's now so hard whereas previously I loved it, and I'm only doing half the amount and so continually losing fitness. Previously I had 10 years of getting faster and further every year and my peer group have continued with that.
    It's so difficult.
  6. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are extremely hard on yourself there Dave. There are other ways to control thoughts, but they take time and effort and practice. I am trying Mindfullness techniques but its difficult for me to concentrate for very long, but by the end of the year, I want to be able to do 15 minutes. Its a short term goal in the long term recovery plan. Maybe you can do something like that with your exercising. Just small goals to increase your efforts, not expecting to be back up to speed in the blink of an eye. You set yourself up to fail if your goals are unrealistic, so try hard to make sure you just be sensible with it.
    IamTetsuo likes this.
  7. Davec27

    Davec27 Member

    Yes done a 2 week mindfullness meditation silent retreat. It is some help, also while cycling and swimming try mindfullness techniques, but it's not enough
  8. Davec27

    Davec27 Member

    I can't see a way out.
  9. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Hi @Davec27 . It seems like you are very physically active. Do you find that you are hard on yourself when it comes to exercise as well? Can you see exercise as an outlet? I am very sorry to hear about what happened with the money and your career. Therapy is so hard when it brings up the things that we try and hide from ourselves the most. I have been in and out of it for years because of childhood trauma and I have been suicidal and depressed for most of my life (although I am half your age) so I feel a bit odd giving advice. But just know that you are not alone and on SF you will find lots of people that want to help. There have been times where being on this forum has literally saved my life. Although I am sorry that all of us on here feel so terribly, it is a relief at times to talk to people who know exactly how you feel from all over the world and different age groups. I hope you can hang in there for your kids. I don't have any and not sure that I ever will but it seems like you are a great father and that maybe focusing on being a dad can help relieve some of this pain you are feeling? Are you taking any meds currently? If you are maybe you need a different dosage. Please keep posting here for support.
    Brian777 likes this.
  10. Davec27

    Davec27 Member

    Thanks for the comments but things are getting steadily worse as this cotinues to push me further over the edge and become more incapable of doing doing even simple things. This week I saw 3 different psychiatrists, I think because they want to cover themselves as I am so high risk. They cannot agree about treatment, have reluctance to prescribe in view of my previous side effects, some of which have been life threatening. I am getting weaker and my family are finding it uncomfortable being at home with me. It feels like the end will be soon.

    Anyone got any ideas I may not have tried?
  11. Davec27

    Davec27 Member

    Yes those are fine words and you have done well. However I am aware that everyone is very different and our struggles with suicidality very individual. Much as I would like to leave my regrets behind I am constantly being reminded of them. Yes I do find giving is helpful but worry that this may be immersing myself with the very people who are most dangerous to me namely those that may think and conclude suicide is the answer.
    As to having 2 attempts, I'm afraid I am a doctor and so would guarantee to succeed first time (as a high achiever)
    Also as a previous athlete, I find my current efforts pitifully minor. Yes I am hard on myself and that is a big part of the problem.