Slowly losing my sanity...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CompletelyWeird, Apr 18, 2013.

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  1. CompletelyWeird

    CompletelyWeird New Member

    Hi there. My name is Matt and I am suicidal.
    Lately I've just been focused and keeping my mind occupied, and left my family's home for 2 years to clear my head.
    I'm 18, College Student, Game Designer, MMA fighter, Artist, Musician, and I like too cook *And yes, I'm a very good cook" lol...
    My depression is uncontrollable and I cry myself to sleep every night because it hurts that bad.
    I became suicidal after realizing that everything is not okay in my life and became anti social because I developed a fear of emotions.
    I believe that I cannot be hurt if no one can come close and hurt me. I even pushed away my own girlfriend because when I got too attached, the fear in my mind grew and the depression got deeper. SO, as the title says, I'm slowly losing my sanity and I feel completely alone. Alone mixed with a whole other bunch of emotions.
    I can walk in the streets without having an anxiety attack and I don't like talking to people.
    I don't communicate much with my family, I used to self harm and have suffered from depression since I was 7. :(
    My mood right now is, what's the point of even trying to live anymore, no body even cared to begin with and those who did, they were too late and the damage was already done. My "heart" is completely shattered and my will to live is fading again. I usually bring myself up by becoming better and learning new things, but today I am reminded that the feeling is not gone and it still hurts just as bad. I just need someone to vent to, or talk to.
    I'm scared to tell someone face to face because they always have such ignorant answers or say the same thing I"ve been hearing for years.
    All I want to do is to smile the way I make other people smile because I could really use a real smile; not the type from youtube or jokes, but something reassuring.
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hi Matt, sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I also push people away so that I can't get hurt, or so I can't hurt them. But they usually leave on their own. So I know how hard it can be to feel so alone. Yeah, most people won't have very good answers for you if they haven't experienced depression or suicidal feelings. At least that's my experience, but it's good that you are here now because this is a place where people will definitely understand you and not judge you. I know you have a hard time talking to people, but maybe talking to a doctor or psych would help. If only to keep you safe and not do anything to hurt yourself. I hope that being here and letting out some of those bad emotions can help, if even a little.
     
  3. CompletelyWeird

    CompletelyWeird New Member

    Your name made me laugh lol Sorry. and yeah, I'm trying to better myself and I did see a psych.
    It didn't end well after she lied to my face...........:s bad memory
    Also im trying sooo bad not to self harm like i used to:s
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2013
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Haha don't be sorry, I'm glad it did make you laugh. Wow that sounds like a bad psych, but they aren't all bad. Maybe you can keep looking, don't give up until you find someone who listens to you and really helps you. I know how hard it is to keep from self harming, I relapsed after a few months of not doing that. Is there anything you can do to keep yourself distracted from that?
     
  5. CompletelyWeird

    CompletelyWeird New Member

    nope.................. nothing, thats why i came here orelse i would drown in my thoughts
     
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Sorry to hear that, and I hope that talking about things here is helping ease the pain a bit. I know that helps me, when I know that I'm not completely alone, because there are people here to listen and support. Even if it's not the same as being there with someone, it's still good to have people to turn to when you need it most.
     
  7. Ataraxia

    Ataraxia Member

    Hi Matt it sounds like you are going through text book severe depression. Its not a good feeling.....the world is always black. Nothing positive that ever happens makes you feel good yet the slightest negative situation utterly crushes you. I know the feeling. I have done a lot of research on the subject and in your case you may benefit from a combination of medication and therapy. Please seek out a psychologist and psychiatrist near your area for treatment. I have had people in my life that have benefited greatly from treatment. Your anxiety attack especially can be bought to manageable levels through medication. If you do not have/cant afford health insurance; most states have programs for people with low income. A simple online search of mental health services in your area should bring up results. I wish you the best of luck.
     
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