Hi there. My name is Matt and I am suicidal. Lately I've just been focused and keeping my mind occupied, and left my family's home for 2 years to clear my head. I'm 18, College Student, Game Designer, MMA fighter, Artist, Musician, and I like too cook *And yes, I'm a very good cook" lol... My depression is uncontrollable and I cry myself to sleep every night because it hurts that bad. I became suicidal after realizing that everything is not okay in my life and became anti social because I developed a fear of emotions. I believe that I cannot be hurt if no one can come close and hurt me. I even pushed away my own girlfriend because when I got too attached, the fear in my mind grew and the depression got deeper. SO, as the title says, I'm slowly losing my sanity and I feel completely alone. Alone mixed with a whole other bunch of emotions. I can walk in the streets without having an anxiety attack and I don't like talking to people. I don't communicate much with my family, I used to self harm and have suffered from depression since I was 7. My mood right now is, what's the point of even trying to live anymore, no body even cared to begin with and those who did, they were too late and the damage was already done. My "heart" is completely shattered and my will to live is fading again. I usually bring myself up by becoming better and learning new things, but today I am reminded that the feeling is not gone and it still hurts just as bad. I just need someone to vent to, or talk to. I'm scared to tell someone face to face because they always have such ignorant answers or say the same thing I"ve been hearing for years. All I want to do is to smile the way I make other people smile because I could really use a real smile; not the type from youtube or jokes, but something reassuring.