I've been thinking a lot lately. Shocker. Me thinking a lot. But the irregular bit is that I've been thinking positive thoughts. They're not so positive in my mind. They're just like small little epiphanies that spring up in my mind making me feel better about life, in those moments anyway. They help me to not drown or dwell in this depression. It's not like I sit there and force myself to think positively. It's more a feeling that comes from within. One came to me in a big way the other day. I hold a lot of pride and what's more I pride myself on being prideful. But someone dear to me, close to me was angry at me because I was too prideful to accept or ask for help, until I broke down and admitted I needed help. I didn't ask for it from him but he was still there forcing me to confront the possibility of accepting help. You see I have this opportunity where I can participate in a clinical study for depression and it could be very good for me, and hey maybe even for humanity- that might be a little egotistical- but you never know and I decided because I don't have the motivation to work to get there- it's pretty far and I don't have a car- that I wouldn't go. But it struck me, this is the one thing bogging me down. This is the one thing that effects my life in such a horrific and constant way that I feel I can never escape it and I'm not willing to work for it? That's nonsense. I'm willing to work towards my degree. Work towards finding a job but not work towards helping myself? And there are so many other ways I could help myself I realized, instead of sitting inside complaining and moaning. Honestly, I don't know how others put up with me sometimes. Anyway, that's just a bit of what I've been thinking. If it makes any sense.... -Britt.